I feel disconnected from the world.
Travis left me on read for four hours after I told him I got my barista certification.
I try so hard for him, I put in so much fucking effort for him, and then I get hit with that?
I said I was gonna make an apple pie from scratch for him and his family this thanksgiving, but like? Why? I wanted to, but only if I feel like there is equal effort put in. I don’t really.
I let this guy finish inside me after I’ve been done for a few minutes already. I fucking shower before I see him every time with no exceptions – and we hang out all the goddamn time. I’m out here shaving my legs everyday for him. Bringing him and his family leftover pastries when I close- I give them my coffee mark-outs from work. Like. I pay for him almost everywhere we go, I’m sucking his dick, I’m getting to know his little brother.
And he left me on read for four hours after I told him good news.
Then you leave me on read? Really?
Fucking thought my birthday was on the wrong day. And on top of that he admitted he forgot to get me a gift?
It’s OKAY for those things to happen, but telling me them is just like rubbing in my face how much you don’t care.
I told him my birthday. More than once.
I’m tired. I feel like I deserve more than that.
He just told me that he didn’t respond because he found out his brother won’t be coming home for thanksgiving. So why didn’t he just message me that when he found out? Why didn’t he just communicate this?
Everywhere I look I feel like I’m making up signs that we won’t work. I don’t want them to be there, I’ve just become so cautious in my relationships. I’ve been broken by so many people, I’m always looking for the cues I thought I missed before..
Getting left on read was one of them. Watching the other person slowly lose interest in you.
On the outside I look totally calm, but inside it’s this downward spiral inside my chest that’s sickening. I feel awful.
What if I look back one day and shake my head for being such a dumb bitch? Willing to do what it takes to make something work when the other person wasn’t working nearly as hard?
I guess I don’t know what went down with his brother ((still waiting for him to respond to me about that)) – but if I can find time to message him on days that I work 8+ hours and having a mental breakdown, I feel like he can message me on a day when he was probably just cleaning his room before thanksgiving and dealing with whatever family drama is going down.
I’m giving him the most – I shouldn’t be when he isn’t doing the same.