Life Update: New Feelings

beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, feminism, fuck you, Future, Her, Hope, Journal, Love, Loving Life, New, Partner, Perfect, Personal, Relationships, Sexuality, Small Things, Smiling

It’s been awhile since I posted, mostly because my laptop stopped working. I’m beginning to realize that I post on here so I can look back at my life with a roughly complete set of documents on how I felt at a particular point in time.

It’s interesting, seeing how I’ve struggled in the past compared to how I struggle now. The recurring issues, what I was once passionate about – the things that got me angry or made me feel loved.

I currently have feelings for someone. It’s really bad. Kind of taking over my life. But that’s always how I can tell that it won’t become something – I’ve never dated someone I was infatuated with. It’s just never happened.

But jesus she’s beautiful. Distracting, even. I find myself forgetting what we’re doing in class because of the way she taps her foot or smiles. I’m worried she only sees me as a friend, though.

Last year, we entertained the idea of being something – which she couldn’t have forgot (could she??). We were talking for like a week before she told me she wasn’t over her ex. So I let it go and went on with my life and kept talking to Charley to pass the time. That worked all summer – but now I’m back at school and have two classes with the most beautiful person on campus, she is impossible for me to ignore.

I want to know everything about her, the details about her childhood, her greatest fear in life, I want to hang out on Saturdays in our pajamas while she plays video games and just hang out. I would be happy just to be in her presence. She’s talented, beautiful, funny, and just plain perfect. I have a feeling that my sister and close friends are tired of hearing me talk about her, and I understand because I’ve definitely been there with someone – when they just won’t shut the fuck up about a person that they’ve liked for ages but never pursued anything with.

It’s just annoying.

But the thing is, I am worried to pursue anything because we tried things out like four months ago and she let me down easy. The thing about not being over her ex is 50% chance a way of not hurting me while also getting me to go away or 50% the truth. SO, if by chance it is the first option, I don’t want to make a fool out of myself by declaring an undying love for her beauty and mind when she is totally not feeling it.

I’d rather keep my mouth shut and slowly die inside as I grow more and more fond of her. I’ve been rejected so many times, I probably couldn’t count. Actually, I could – I am just happy naive. But my point is that I don’t want to be rejected again. My heart couldn’t take it, not when I feel this strongly. I’d probably be bed ridden for a week and not be able to eat again.

She does talk to me, though. Which is something. She waved at me the first day of class, and talks to me before class too. I wonder if she can tell how flustered I get? Or if I blush.. I’ve been known to blush before.

My heart physically aches when I think about her. This is so shitty and also so fucking amazing.

Why do I feel this strongly when I like someone?

God. It feels like something is wrong with me because everyone else seems to just ease into relationships. They go so goddamn smoothly and no one is put in an awkward position of liking the other person more.

Why can’t I be so fucking smooth? Just enough for her to realize I’m not a total nut job.

Even though I sorta am

She said she liked my art today.. Probably just being nice, because what else would have been a polite response? I shouldn’t let it get to my head.

FUck. Why do I have to respond 2 minutes after I get a goddamn snapchat from her every time? She takes like 20 minutes, but I’m over here, Ms. Needy Asf, and responding lightning fast. No wonder she is acting unsure – I’m way too clingy. Fuck. I need to be more detached, don’t I? Show that I’m not gonna be a psycho bitch…

I hate when I write posts like this and I think about how the future me knows how this all pans out. Like, do I go psycho and smash her car windows while screaming and crying because we dated for a year and I found out she never loved me? Do I confess my feelings to be rejected and told she isn’t that into me, and we’re better off as two gay people who are just friends? Or maybe we move to Hawaii and live there until we’re 100 and raise chickens on a property overlooking the ocean and drink coffee early in the morning as we watch the sunrise? I kinda like that last option a lot. Perhaps I never say anything. I just let this perpetual mood swing go on until we graduate and go our separate ways in life. I hate that thought, of moving on with my life and just having her not be a part of my everyday life.. Shit, and I felt like a three day weekend was going to be rough.

I really have feelings for this girl, but I don’t know what the fuck to do right now.

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Men Can Be Awful

Failure, fuck you, Journal, New, no trust, Partner, Personal, Questioning Sexuality, Relationships, Sexuality

There has been so much going on in my life – from guys to my sister moving back in to my grandpa passing away, and it’s all stressing me out a bunch.

My relationships with dudes have been less than great recently, first there was Charley – the dude I met online and seriously regret seeing because I had sex with him and like tbh I shouldn’t have and none of it felt right. Like, I should have known that anyone willing to drive from three states away to see me when they’d only known me for less than 100 days was gonna be sketchy. Like, I’m sorry Charley, but I’m also not because I was very uncomfortable and you did push me into things faster than I was ready and I’m sorry that you’re insecure and can’t handle me criticizing you at all.

After Charley, there was Kylan – we were just gonna be friends with benefits, but we hung out twice and I changed my mind post VCF-insertion and when my naked body was underneath his naked body and he was aggressively holding me down and forcefully giving me TOO MUCH tongue.

Then there was this weird run-in with Talon when I messaged him and was like “missing you” and he was like “Missing you too, but I have a girlfriend that I’m only dating cause I’m not over Felicia” and I was like “Talk to me when you are single” and he was like “I will” and we left it off like that and went to bed, but the next night he sent “Lol jk that’s never gonna happen” and I was like “LOL I’m happy you said that cause I was drunk last night”, but like I wasn’t drunk and totally did miss him.

Then The nEXT DAY – Mr. San Francisco JACOB fucking messaged me after ghosting me for a goddamn year. Like, this son of a bitch just hits me up outta the blue, responding to the last question I sent him this time last year, and like I was being super cautious and saying shit like “Um yeah well I’m not gonna send you nudes because self respect and also you ditched  me for an entire year and how will I know you won’t do that again?” and he was like “I’ve Changed”

news flash.
HE HADN’T CHANGED.

tHAT son of a bitch hasn’t spoken to me, responded to my last message or snapchat in two whole days.

I’m not gonna be all desperate like last time because I have far more self-respect. But, fuck him. Also, he is now Vegas Jacob, because he moved.

I am seriously considering if I’m bisexual or just lesbian – at least girls don’t fuck you over, I’ve never been fucked over by a girl, it’s why I don’t write about them on here.

And like my grandpa passed away last week. Tomorrow is his funeral. I don’t know how to respond to this yet.

Ouch ~

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Things that aren’t nice:

  • Telling someone you have feelings for them, then being rejected by that person.
  • Being friends with them
  • Seeing their posts “I need a significant other”

well, that fucked up my night.
Tears don’t stop after this point, do they?

I mean, I’ve been trying to be there. To be her friend… But friendship shouldn’t hurt this much 

Yeah, I like her still. 

Yeah, I listen to her playlists more than my own.

Maybe I know her better than I know myself, and that hurts because she doesn’t even care to know me like I know her.

She wouldn’t care if I told her I didn’t like bananas, would she? Yet I have it logged in my memory that she doesn’t. 

She probably doesn’t realize that even though everyone else called me cute today, I know she didn’t and that’s what stuck.

She doesn’t feel the same way, and in theory I can handle that. I can deal. 

But it’s harder than it sounds…

She enlightens me….

Yet, she snapped earlier and I wish I could have done something to make it all better.

But I’ll get up tomorrow and text her, I’ll ask her at the end of the day how she feels, I’ll see if I can make her problems disappear… 

This is the agonizing pain of liking a friend.

Her.

Questioning Sexuality, Sexuality

Maybe I’m just confused, I’ve been through a lot recently. 

Is it possible that I have serious issues?

I think I’m bisexual now, but thinking about telling anyone I know closely terrifies me after what happened.

I came out to my friend, she is very open and loving, someone I trust. The only problem between her and I is that she believes there is a god and that being gay is wrong because he says so.

Which, is an oddly conformed belief if you knew her.

So when she told me that what I was feeling was just the confusion of my “Bisexual” friends, I started worrying that was really the case, but the more I tried stopping those feelings, it was like tampering with breaking floodgates. 

All hell broke loose and I think I am obsessed with that girl now.

I’ve been having “lesbian thoughts” for awhile now, nearly a year, but tried to pass it off as nothing. Because, everyone fantasizes about kissing someone of the same gender.. right?

I also came out to my ex-boyfriend, but instead of talking to me about it, he asked if it was because of him… Then he proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t really bisexual and this would pass.
It all started when I got into my first relationship. When he and I would kiss, sometimes I’d close my eyes and imagine he was a girl. A specific girl. I also had quite a few sexual dreams about this girl I currently have feelings for (I think?). When that happened, I shook my head and passed it off as nothing.

It was just a dream. 

maybe five.

I just found her interesting and enthralling.

I wasn’t bisexual, of course. I just was picking up on her confused sexuality.

right?

Right..?

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME I’M RIGHT HERE.

This scares me, I couldn’t just tell my family about this. I want to talk to someone about it, but the only person I’d feel comfortable talking to it about would be her and knowing me, I would use the oppurtunity to profess my feelings.

and she would probably be creeped out by that.

Can anyone help..? Or am I a bundle of shit-ridden emotions?