Preemptive

Journal

Okay so I’ve already kinda had my heart fractured by Kyle. How stupid is that?

He mentioned that if he fails one of his classes, he’ll probably be moving home at the end of this quarter. Like- okay drop that bombshell after we spent all of yesterday bonding?? Okay. I’m looking for a relationship- one that’s going to last longer than three months. Yet I’m already attached and he already has hurt me. We have been talking constantly, I cut fuckboys out already. ones with Huge Ass Nine Inch Dicks. For Kyle. I did that for Kyle.

Hey Kyle, Cole would have still been around if you hadn’t been so sweet yesterday. I probably would have been having meaningless sex with his big dick tonight if you hadn’t wrangled my goddamn emotions in.

Instead I’m a little heartbroken because I can’t expect a freshman to pass a class they haven’t been attending most of the quarter. So that’s awesome- and I know my dumbass is still gonna talk to you until you figure out whether or not you’re gonna stay, so I’m gonna get even closer to you, and by the time we know if you passed or not I’ll PROBABLY BE IN LOVE WITH YOU.

So I’ll say this preemptively- THANKS FOR BREAKING MY HEART.

Okay now let’s continue these next few weeks like I don’t already know this and still fall in love like a dumb bitch.

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Stranger

Journal

I’m angry at you for leaving.

But, everyone knows anger is a secondary emotion.

I’m sad that you left.

Sadness is an affliction. My sadness comes and goes, I only miss you sometimes. Like when I’m sitting at my favorite coffee shop back home, thinking about how you’d like it. Or when I see the croissants I used to bring you after work.

But sadness eventually dissipates and every other person I’ve broken up with is a distant memory now. One day you will be too.

But right now I think about how you would love it here.

I’ve slept with a lot of guys since you, seen even more- but I still use you as a timeline.

One day I’ll wake up and I’ll think of you as a stranger again.

Closed

Journal

I have so many emotions, but it’s mostly just pain right now.

My heart literally aches. I couldn’t stand up or keep my eyes open at work. I was crying so much.

I got so used to having T around.

But I’m also really mad at him for just giving up like that. I know he can’t help that he’s just done, but from my perspective he just gave up. Stopped trying. I was willing to do anything to help the relationship, and he wouldn’t even bother to talk about it.

I deserve better than that.

One day I’ll be with someone who gives me what I deserve. One day someone will treat me right and I’ll look back and wonder how I ever accepted so little effort from someone.

Because he didn’t put a lot into our relationship, I didn’t ask him to. Yet I put my entire self into it, I made him a priority and I shouldn’t have. I gave him way too much of myself too fast, I shouldn’t have been with him every day. I shouldn’t have been so available.

Next time I won’t. Not until I have been with them a long time and they’ve proven they care too.

Those four months felt like a year. I haven’t accepted it’s over yet.

Update

Journal

I haven’t seen T in a week, and it’s going to be at least four more days until we see each other again.

I’m tired. I’m cranky. Moody. Whatever words you want to use..

He didn’t make me orgasm the entire week before this too. I got used to expecting it to happen.. and then it just didn’t.

He finished fast, I wasn’t enjoying the sex as much, I started zoning out. I don’t know. Just sort of lost its oomph.

And so here I am, two weeks without having an orgasm. I’m angry. Easily frustrated. Honestly? Wondering if this relationship has what it takes to last.

T is in Oregon looking at colleges. I’m back home, dealing with the frustration and anger that comes with being near Leo again.

I don’t want to go back to the city- it’s nasty and cold and gloomy. I only really know T and my roommates outside of work- and work is honestly just awful. I hate it.

Riley thinks I have depression, and I think she’s right. I get really sad, and cry a lot. Irritable.

I’m wondering if it’s the birth control. Or maybe it’s just me.

Whatever it is, I’m incredibly stressed and want it to be over.

I’ve had an entire week off of everything except family.

Not sure if that counts as a vacation.

I’m also sick, which is wonderful.

Dear

Journal, Letters

Dear T,

I think about you a lot. Sometimes in benign ways, sometimes in loving ways, sometimes in sadness, or in hope. I’d like to imagine we’ll grow old together, laugh like we do now when we’re well into our 70’s. The kind of love I have for you is different than the ones I’ve felt before. I’ve written about how it’s functional, but it’s also warming. Frustrating. Endearing. Something worth working at. I think you’re a special kind of person, just a little better than the rest. Your sense of humor is something else, and I feel satisfied when I’m around you. We just vibe.

I worry about you a lot. I know I’ve been reckless in the past, but when I know you are being harmful to yourself, it bothers me. I want to help you be the healthiest version of yourself, so it hurts to see you drunk or high. Hypocritical, right? I get plastered and high off my ass, and then don’t want you to.

I worry you’ll cheat. Or leave me for someone else. I know you know a lot of rich, hot, athletic girls who go to your school. So why me? Why the minimum wage working college student who has six roommates? I’m pretty, but I’m not gorgeous. I’m not as well-liked. I’m pretty dislikable. Sassy. Resting bitch face. Gets fat easily. Not a bunch of friends.

I guess you see something in me. Or that’s what I hope.

You’re at a concert right now with one of your friends. Elizabeth. You never really mentioned her before so it feels weird to know you’re at a concert together. You told me she has a boyfriend and that you guys never had a thing for each other. Still, I worry.

If you can’t tell, I worry a lot.

Will we be together in a year? Will there be some great thing that breaks us apart? Will we last eight months even? I want to. I’m scared to say I want it because I’m worried it will end up hurting me more later on. I’m worried that saying I love you, saying I want you to be in my life for years down the road, I’m worried these things will end up hurting me when something happens. If we break up.

It’s hard to attach.

× en·er·gy

Journal

I feel disconnected from the world.

T left me on read for four hours after I told him I got my barista certification.

I try so hard for him, I put in so much fucking effort for him, and then I get hit with that?

I said I was gonna make an apple pie from scratch for him and his family this thanksgiving, but like? Why? I wanted to, but only if I feel like there is equal effort put in. I don’t really.

I let this guy finish inside me after I’ve been done for a few minutes already. I fucking shower before I see him every time with no exceptions – and we hang out all the goddamn time. I’m out here shaving my legs everyday for him. Bringing him and his family leftover pastries when I close- I give them my coffee mark-outs from work. Like. I pay for him almost everywhere we go, I’m sucking his dick, I’m getting to know his little brother.

And he left me on read for four hours after I told him good news.

Alright, buddy.

Then you leave me on read? Really?

Fucking thought my birthday was on the wrong day. And on top of that he admitted he forgot to get me a gift?

It’s OKAY for those things to happen, but telling me them is just like rubbing in my face how much you don’t care.

I told him my birthday. More than once.

I’m tired. I feel like I deserve more than that.

He just told me that he didn’t respond because he found out his brother won’t be coming home for thanksgiving. So why didn’t he just message me that when he found out? Why didn’t he just communicate this?

Everywhere I look I feel like I’m making up signs that we won’t work. I don’t want them to be there, I’ve just become so cautious in my relationships. I’ve been broken by so many people, I’m always looking for the cues I thought I missed before..

Getting left on read was one of them. Watching the other person slowly lose interest in you.

On the outside I look totally calm, but inside it’s this downward spiral inside my chest that’s sickening. I feel awful.

What if I look back one day and shake my head for being such a dumb bitch? Willing to do what it takes to make something work when the other person wasn’t working nearly as hard?

I guess I don’t know what went down with his brother ((still waiting for him to respond to me about that)) – but if I can find time to message him on days that I work 8+ hours and having a mental breakdown, I feel like he can message me on a day when he was probably just cleaning his room before thanksgiving and dealing with whatever family drama is going down.

I’m giving him the most – I shouldn’t be when he isn’t doing the same.

func·tion·al

Journal

I feel like I’m willing to sacrifice more than T in our relationship. I’ve been working on personal growth, on making sure that I’m not being petty or actively trying to destroy the relationship. I know he puts in effort, he does a lot for me, things he doesn’t have to do that take active thinking about how I feel. However, at times it seems like he doesn’t really comprehend how I’m feeling. Sometimes it feels like he’s really distant, and it takes a lot of effort for me to not be selfish and throw a fit.. So far I haven’t, though.

He didn’t want to hang out tonight, which hurts. I wanted to see him. It feels like he is unwilling to sacrifice any amount of his own comfort for my sake. Tomorrow he has a race, and he mentioned he was really tired- but I have a midterm tomorrow and I worked an eight hour shift today. He’s a young guy, so I can understand that he might not be emotionally mature enough to separate selfish wants from actual needs, and that sometimes people sacrifice their wants to satisfy another persons need.

I’m feeling spread very thin. School is exhausting. Work is scraping my sanity away in droves. My poor bank account is bipolar. I found myself bawling over a meme about college students because it was too real.

T was planning on taking a gap year, however now he’s saying that he’ll go to a college up north. We have been officially dating for a little over a month, and I’ve spent more time with him than anyone else up here. I’ve had more sex with him than anyone else, ever. He’s good looking. He’s athletic. He’s very intelligent. He’s social. He’s like, long term relationship material. Hell, I could see myself with him in ten years. I feel like myself around him. I become a really good version of myself when I’m with him and I can’t explain it. It’s like, all of a sudden I am emotionally mature and put his needs above my own but also have self respect and boundaries, and I give him the space he wants and he gives me the attention I want.

It’s functional.

I can communicate my concerns to him, and he communicates his, then we work to fix things.

I wouldn’t dare tell him this any time soon, but I think I could love him. I’m worried he doesn’t feel as seriously.

It has only been fifty days.

He’s younger than I am, and when I was his age I didn’t want to be held down. I’m worried he’ll come to that conclusion too. I’m worried that when the time comes for him to go to college next fall, he’ll leave me..

But I can’t worry about that yet, if I worry too much I’ll ruin the relationship we have right now, and then when he goes to college I won’t have any relationship to fight for. I will have ruined it preemptively.

I’m still concerned. I don’t want to waste my time here. I would rather be single than in another short relationship.

I don’t want to fall in love just to be ripped apart again. I wouldn’t be the same.

T

Journal

Disconnected from the world, broke, heavy truth that I will always be poor, that I will break my back working at a job for the rest of my life and never find contentment because I am always on the go.

T is sweet, he has done some thoughtful things for me and I feel like we have connected – but last night when he was drunk at the party, he told me that he has a superficial thing for this other girl, and he was staring at another girls tits (which were 100% on display, but..)

We had a conversation the other night about how he’s tired of us hanging out and doing the same thing every night- and I understand, but the way he said it just straight up hurt me. He made me feel boring, like I was the problem, and the conversation felt like we were going to break up. He kept mentioning wanting a change and I didn’t know how much of a change he wanted. It made me insecure, and triggered a depressive episode.

I got to thinking about just how much time I have given him, we’ve been together 50 days and most nights I go over to his house for three hours. We watch a movie, fuck, talk, and I was enjoying that. He wants more variety, and I get it, but there seems to be some sort of difference between the two of us, because I find a lot of comfort in the relationship, so I enjoy chilling together. He wants something more exciting, and I’m not sure what exactly that is.

My underlying fear is that he will eventually use this as an excuse to leave me.

I’m so scared of that. I’ve been single for so long, I let myself attach to T in a way I never could before I knew myself. I’m still insecure, though. Some insecurities are stronger than others. I’m afraid of being abandoned. I’m afraid of having no one. He’s the only person I’m truly close to up here, and if I lost him.. it would be very difficult for me emotionally.

He is a good guy, a little emotionally immature, but I think he has good intentions. All of his friends love him, and I think that says a lot.

The stuff that happened at the party, I’m not trying to dwell on it. I can see a future with this guy, if all goes well. He is serious relationship material, and we share the same philosophies and have a similar vision for what we want our lives to look like.

When he tries, he makes me feel cared for. I just wish that was all of the time.

Chronic

Journal

Can you feel it? Seeping in through your pores? Crawling up your spine as an ache? Disguised as the creaking of your joints, it settles in.

You cannot escape it.

Sitting up, your back ceases. You cannot move. The bags under your eyes have gained weight. Your temples begin to pulse.

Dehydration. Chronic exhaustion. Your body needs rest, water, food.

Life does not permit. There are bills to be paid, groceries to be bought, work to be done, chores that go neglected, school work that sits on the desk though the week.

Once you get home, though the intention was there to do these things, you fall into bed and cannot rise.

There is no time. It has been stolen from you, your life, these precious hours have been plucked like daisies of last year. You had no choice.

fa·tigue

Journal

I never have a day off- bags under my eyes grow into an old expression on my face. Something more permanent, harder to dispose of with a cup of coffee or one good nights rest.

I’m happier in my free time, however.

Laying in bed to take a nap, it has become the most luxurious commodity I can imagine.

Always smelling like espresso grounds and dish sanitizer. Can’t get the smell out of my pants.

And when the thought lurks into my mind to slow down and take a day off, I remember why I’m working so hard right now. One day I want to be able to sleep in until 10 everyday. One day I want to be driving a car with heated leather seats and unnecessary lights everywhere. One day I want to go shopping at Sephora and Whole Foods without having to check the prices on everything I pick up.

So that means San Francisco. That means University. That means putting myself through school. Long months. Long hours. Minutes of insanity. Long walks late at night after twelve hour days, five hours of lectures and an entire workday all in one- can’t sleep anymore. not even when i’m exhausted.

not even with a glass of wine.

or a hot shower.

or sex.

Exhaustion weeps from my pores.