Let’s Go

beautiful, Beauty, Creative Writing, Future, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Nature, New, Peace, Personal, Relationships

Everyday I am alive, the realization that I have no idea what I’m doing sets in a little bit more.

That my anxiety is a hormonal reaction, and that everyone sees the world very differently.

I’m discovering how I want to see the world, and the person I want to become.
Seeing what makes me genuinely happy, figuring out how to deal with difficult people/situations, and the ongoing struggle to react in ways that represent who I want to be.

I’m finding that I need someone to love. There is an overwhelming amount of love inside of me that I want to give, paired with my extensive barriers that my experiences have created. It’s near impossible to trust when I have given so much love to find that I was being used. Naïveté in it’s purest form, to love someone who has no intentions of loving you back.

I also have the need to travel, to go somewhere that no one speaks my language and I’m scoffed at for being american, and to taste food that was prepared farther away from my home than I have currently been. I want to ride a plane across the ocean, look out the window and be afraid. I want to skydive, ride in a hot air balloon, bungee jump, and watch the sunrise in India while a bustling city wakes up below me. I want to sip a latte in Paris as it rains, eat a orange in the south of France, kayak in Greece, I want to see and go everywhere.

I want to learn how to love running and to be someone the weak envy.

I want to eat avocado toast for breakfast with a cup of black coffee everyday at five-thirty in the morning before I have to go to work.

I want to save money, and have a life I am proud of living.

That is really what I want. To be proud of my life. Escape limiting beliefs and achieve everything my heart desires. I know I can. I will.

Where Are You?

fuck you, Her, Journal, no trust, Partner, Personal, Relationships, sex, sexual harassment, stalker

I started going to therapy, so far I’ve been twice. I’m not doing well. I’ve been increasingly more insecure and unhappy with myself over time – noticing things I hadn’t before and losing sleep over back fat or my stretch marks. I’ve been rejected, almost raped, and ghosted so many times now that I’m giving up on finding anyone worth being with. They’ve either fucked my sister or have confederate flags hanging in their room – or something equivalent. There’s the emotionally unavailable, the too eager, the borderline sexual assaulter, the one who loves too hard too fast and then it fades, the one who stays with me cause it’s convenient, the one who loves me but I don’t feel the same, the one who is way too old for me.

Where is the one who works with me? Where is that type?

This Is the Post

Journal, Personal, Relationships

I’m impulsive, and I have feelings as well. Those two things together do not work well, when they combine in a person shit tends to go down and messes are made, life gets fucked up.

But because I am impulsive and emotional, I do things like I am right now. I do things like confess shit.

And once I get it in my head that I want to do something emotional and impulsive, there is literally no stopping me, because both of those things take hold and just run with whatever it is. And then my logical side is like “Yo, girl, what the fuck are you doing? You need to chill tf out and stop right now because jesus christ you’re insane.” but I never stop, and it is really not a good thing.

I know how this is going to play out too – I’m going to finish writing this piece, then I’ll reread it about three times, post it, reread it (and find a typo, at which point I’ll go back in and fix it) and then I’ll contemplate if sending this to you is really the best idea. I’ll come to the conclusion that it’s not, but I’ll do it anyway. Because fuck it, life is short and we have to live it to it’s fullest while we still can. But then you’ll get the link, and I’ll be like oh fuck he’s read it, and I’ll wait about ten minutes, at which point I’ll start worrying because TEN MINUTES, and you might start typing. You might respond. But you might also not. At this point, there’s only speculation about what will happen. And that speculation is why I’ll send it.

So, you probably know this, because I wasn’t trying to hide it (I wanted to be fucking obvious, anyway). But I like you, not in the friend way. I like you in the kind of way that I would like to drink tea with you on cold days while reading our favorite books and cuddling with a fluffy cat kinda way. I like you in the kind of way that takes over a person’s mind, and I can’t think about much else. In the kind of way that I want you to know.

But I’m decently intelligent, and I know that the odds are not in my favor. I know that we have been sharing awkward glances, and that what happened before wasn’t ideal (I mean, you’ve seen my boobs and I came into the band room and realized you weren’t interested in me because well, it was just obvious). But because I am a hopeless romantic and I am overwhelmed with the intense need to express these feelings in a very obvious and cringe-worthy way, I figured why the hell not? (Actually, I have come up with about a million reasons to not do this, and just about one that I should, but I’m doing it anyway.)

I like you. I like your hair, your laugh, your awkward gestures during PE, I like that we both despise the same people in class, that you play in band, that you seem emotional and caring, that you’re not obnoxious and loud, I honestly just like you. I like that you smile in an innocent, yet knowing way. That you aren’t an asshole. I like that you are compassionate and won’t directly tell me to back off because you’re really just a nice person. I like you. A lot.

I know this is futile, that you’re either not over your ex or you just simply do not feel the same way, but I wanted to tell you. It’s going to make my life miserable, and I’ll avoid you 110% more than I already was, and I’ll act like I’m not watching you out of the corner of my eye, but I will be, and I’ll act like I didn’t see you when I pass you at school, or that I haven’t noticed our math classes are adjacent, but I will have noticed these things. I won’t be able to ignore them.

So yeah, I have feelings for you.

 

Such is Life

Future, Journal, Love, Personal, Relationships, Smiling

For someone who loves writing as much as myself, I sure have a hard time writing pieces that accurately color what my life is like. Most of what I write is done through cynicism and anger, but only because those are the things I don’t want my life to be.

Muse is my outlet, it is the cleansing stream in my life that allows me to function – it’s my way of communicating with myself, of telling someone how I feel minus the confrontation.

I’m not sure I have ever come right out and said this, but everything I write on here has a motive – almost every post I intend for a particular person to read. Sometimes I send what I write to them, sometimes I’ll send them a link a few months after writing it. Sometimes I let the posts sit, I let those emotions live on through the internets vast expanse, never to be read by the person who I want to read them. Such is life.

I know who I want to read this post. I know who it is that I want to see my snapchat stories, who I want to respond to my messages and send cute selfies to me – I know very well who it is. I know too well.

Yesterday I was questioning if I still was attracted to them, after a pretty awkward encounter I was left concerned and after that I received a message which told me they weren’t ready to move on from their ex. I’ve been rather melancholy since then.

Don’t get me wrong, I sincerely want them to fully recover from their break up and get over their ex — because that’s a really shitty place to be in. I don’t want to pretend that I understand how he feels, or what has gone on in their head, because that’s impractical of me. I also don’t want to pretend like their happiness is my only reason for wanting them to get over their ex. It’s definitely not my only reason, and it’s not my motive for writing this either.

I’m afraid I have actually started having feelings for him.

Before Sunday,  I just thought he had some really nice hair and a decent jawline – but now I cannot stop myself from becoming a complete imbecile in front of him. I forget basic hand-eye coordination and how to function as a fucking person. My laugh turns into this awkward snort, and I swear I look so unattractive when I like someone. It’s instinctual for me to glance over at him – because if it wasn’t, I sure as hell wouldn’t be doing it.

The timing here is absolute shit – I’m under the impression that he’s wanting to get over his ex and not have anything complicated right now, and that’s the exact opposite of what my feelings would do.  Feelings complicate everything – for as great as they are, they are equally as troublesome.

If I tell him how I feel, I’m pretty certain he would just become distressed by the knowledge. I know I would be. I shouldn’t say anything to him about this. I probably shouldn’t tell anyone. I should just stop mentioning him altogether, stop texting Staci about him, stop talking to Miro about him..

But he’s gorgeous, and funny, and almost exactly what I want in a partner – whether you asked me in kindergarten, five months ago, or today. He also reminds me of San Francisco Jacob. My feelings for him were dangerous – I lost all of my good judgment when I talked to him.

Since the current predicament means that he and I can’t get closer, I don’t want to have feelings for him at all. But I do have those feelings, and I don’t want to let them go.

The only pure thing in life is love, and I will cherish it every time it comes into my life. But just as love comes into our lives, it’s almost inevitable that it will be ripped from our tight grasp or fall apart on it’s own and just knowing that makes these feelings bittersweet.

Wondering that if I read this in the future, knowing what will happen (or what will have happened) if he will fizzle out of my mind and life in three weeks, or if I read this in 5, 6, or 7 months and we have just broken up, or if I remember the time I did something extremely stupid and sent him a link to this blog – and then I’ll sit back and wonder if he ever checked it after that. I’ll cry. Or maybe we end up having a short sexual fling and I’ll cringe thinking back on it.

And despite the possible tears, the physical pain in my chest when I think of some happy memory together, the potential break up, there’s a slim chance that we would work out. I don’t even know if he has feelings for me or if he’s just physically attracted to me , but that just emphasizes my point – because even knowing those detrimental things could happen, I want to try. I want to put myself out there and tell him how I feel.

I always come to the same conclusion when I am at this crossroad – do I tell them? Do I move on? What do I have to lose, when I could gain so much?

I always tell them how I feel.

God, I’m stupid and I will always be stupid for someone who shares my same morals and beliefs. It’s simply a bonus that he’s attractive – but it’s one I wouldn’t deny myself. He’s funny on top of it. Funny, attractive, intelligent, he’s even kind. I don’t want to pass this up, but I’m also scared that if I act on it I’ll decimate my chances of making anything work ever. I need to just wait a few days and see where life takes this.

I’m worried we won’t be compatible, though. After breaking up, I’ve been concerned that I’m just not compatible with a lot of people. What if I am too needy for him? What if I am too passionate and care too much for him? Talon thought he wanted that when we got together, and we ended up being perfectly wrong for each other.

But I would never compare Sam to Cadence, or Cadence to Talon, they have all been very different for me – none of them were similar. I can only expect that he would be different, and I sincerely hope that something will work out between us. He seems like a great person, someone I want to get to know very well.

I Ran Today

Failure, forgotten, fuck you, Future, home, Hope, Journal, New, no trust, Personal, school

My suicide note is a report card,
My ambition lost with the last F I received,
Every graded discussion has me in shambles,
Every Exam has me on my knees.

I never considered myself much of a quitter,
I left my conscience at home today,
Ran the mile real fast today,
Ran out of the house as I left today,

Forgot the last time I remembered
Forgot about a lot of things,
Can’t forget about the F today,
Can’t forget my keys

Laughed really hard at school today,
Laughed really hard before I cried today.
Hid what I felt and died today,
Hid from myself and what I want today.

F is for Failing

Failure, fuck you, Future, home, Humanist, Journal, New, no trust, school

I feel miserable.

I feel stupid.

I have one A.

I have one B..

I have three C’s.

I have one D.

I have one F.

I didn’t think high school would be this difficult.

I wake up in the morning, crawl out of bed and loath the day coming.

I feel like throwing up most days and I’m not sure why.

I always have a throbbing headache now.

I am self conscious about things that never used to bother me.

I find myself binge eating more than ever.

I hate myself for binge eating because I know I hate being unfit when I’m in PE.

I see the kids in PE and wonder why I let myself get where I have.

I see the kids in PE and hate that I can’t do a pushup.

I get home, look in the mirror, and I don’t look like myself anymore.

I find myself crying when I lay in bed at night.

I don’t know why.

I kick myself because there are other kids at my school who are in multiple AP classes.

They can keep their grades up. I don’t know why I can’t.

They are the kids who are in anatomy and chemistry, they can keep their grades up.

They know how to take the tests and do well on them.

These kids know how to do these things I have never done before.

I’m really stressed.

I’m second guessing everything I have ever thought of myself.

Some things haven’t changed.

I cheated on my physics homework last night.

I can’t live up to the standards I used to hold myself to.

This week, I’ve contemplated ending it all more than I would like to admit.

I’ve contemplated dropping out of school.

I’ve thought about how easy it would be to just walk into a busy street.

I get home and there is drama.

I have to do my homework.

I stay up late to get it all done.

I leave home and there is drama.

I get to school and I feel judgement.

I get to class early, judgement.

I get to class late, judgement.

I walk in the halls, judgement.

I change into my PE clothes, judgement.

Walking to class, there is judgement.

In the bathroom, waiting in line, judgement.

I have anxiety like never before – I can’t do any of my hobbies anymore.

Watch tv shows? Not unless I want to fail.

Fail. Failure. Loser. Slow. Incapable. Over confident. Fat. Awkward.

I just want a friend. A close friend. I don’t have one anymore.. In fact, I don’t really have anyone to confide in. My mom never has been good at those things, Riley doesn’t like to have me bringing her down, and that leaves Talon. To him, this is just self-loathing. Thanks. I have no real friends yet – there’s Allison in PE but we don’t talk or see eachother outside of there, and there is Noah. Sadly, I think those are the two people I have made acquaintances with. Noah wouldn’t be able to help and it would be weird of me to talk to him about anything besides the homework we have in common. I don’t even know Allison’s last name.

Once again, I find myself in this place. I am alone. I am left to solve things by myself and with no one to give me sound advice that I can actually apply to my life. I guess that makes you, my readers, the only people connected to me this personally. I don’t know your faces, I don’t know your names, I don’t even know if you like me, but thank you. You’re here when I need you, you listen. You take the time to read what I am saying, despite how completely meaningless it feels.

Too Much, Too Little, Too Many Questions

Future, Hope, Jealousy, Journal, New, no trust, Partner, Peace, Personal, Small Things, Smiling

Right now I need to cry. I don’t know why, I’m not sure what is making me feel like this. Is it my doubts? My fears? My intuition? Can I sense that something is not right, or am I making a problem?

Isn’t that my life in a nutshell? I worry, make issues (referencing: sam), or I assume I have made an issue and later find out that I was correct the entire time (referencing: megan/cadence)..

My intuition told me to not trust Cadence because he was so close with Megan – now my intuition is telling me to be alert. It’s telling me to keep my eyes open, pay attention to my situations.. Should I trust? Opening myself up to trust someone new is terrifying.. They can hurt me, they could end up being untrustworthy, or they could just be playing with me.

I’m too eager. I care too much. I love too much. I’m too sensitive. I am too much.

What if he isn’t over her? What if this really means nothing to him and he’s just good with words and convincing me? What if.. There are so many what ifs.

I started questioning when I felt distance, wondering if this was really as great as I had assumed. Most things aren’t. Most things disappoint, hurt, or anger me once I find out the truth. I’m hesitant to care.. I’m nervous because if this isn’t some sort of satirical joke, it’s not going to be like the last two. Somehow, it will be realistic for me. I don’t have plans to move away. I don’t have a college I’m set on. I don’t even have any set plans for my future.. This could end up being longer than any other relationship I have had.

I don’t want to commit myself to someone who isn’t ready, to someone who I might not be sexually compatible with, to someone who after the first week of seeing eachother already is wanting a break. Is it doomed from the start? Are these things workable? Am I finding issues where they aren’t?

On the other side of the argument.. The last time I felt as relaxed as I do in his arms, I was an infant. He makes me calm, happy, relaxed. He makes me smile naturally, like no one else has been able to do since before the divorce. Then I must pose the question to myself – am I being too attached too soon? Do I care too much? Did I allow myself to be too vulnerable too soon? Push things too far too fast?

I wish I understood, but I never understand. I wish I wasn’t as inhibited as I have become since moving. I also wish I wasn’t abused, but we all know how that worked out.

My Perfect Partner

Athiest, beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, Domestic Violence, equality, Family, feminism, Future, Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Memories, Partner, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Religion, Small Things, Smiling

My perfect partner.. They would be assertive, taller than me, about a year older than me, pretty fit or small, kiss really well, their occupation would be in a field of science, they would be a mathematical person with soft emotions, we would share the same taste in music and humor, they would be atheist or buddhist. Preferably would have brown or dark hair, would wear leather shoes (probably oxfords or sandals). They would play chess, read for leisure, cook occasionally. High libido, masculine but not necessarily male. They would love theatre like Shakespeare and have wanderlust. They would aspire to know everything they could, never stop learning. They would love foggy weather, as well as the rainy days. They would share my nerdy side, loving Lord of the Rings and Sherlock as much as me. They would understand that I have many emotional issues, including but not limited to PTSD, depression, anxiety, and binge eating. They would understand that sometimes I really just need to be left alone or have things that are just mine and don’t share. They would let me go through everything I need to – like dying/cutting my hair, losing or gaining weight, that sometimes I get jealous and I can’t help it. They wouldn’t mind me spam texting them when I feel like it, that I can over analyze things because of my past. They wouldn’t mind that I can overreact to things, that sometimes I need weeks or months to just cry. Sometimes I can’t sleep. They would understand that I have a really difficult time loving people, that I have a really difficult time trusting something that isn’t fantasy or an animal. They would understand that I am a person who fluctuates in everything: emotions, weight, ideas. I’m constantly changing and don’t like settling. They would understand that I have a very hard time trusting men specifically, that I have a lot of triggers, that when I love I love fully and will commit like nothing else in the entire world because they are mine and they understand me. They would need to be passionate and caring, interesting but not a douche, kind but not delusionally so. They would never leave me. They would be really sexual, enjoy the mystery of large cities and live in one with me. Their last name wouldn’t start with an S because I don’t want my initials to be ASS (which sucks because I have a tendency to attract and be attracted to people with surnames that begin with S). They would be down for adventure at any hour. They wouldn’t let me get stuck in my ruts where I forget what I love..

Most importantly, I want to be attracted to them in the way that I fall in love instantly. The kind that makes me crazy, the kind that I can’t sleep over. Where I yearn to know everything about them and once I know that, I want to learn more.

They would be feminist, an ally or part of the LGBTQ community, they wouldn’t support anything anti-LGBT, they would understand the importance of spreading the knowledge of domestic violence. They would love me as much as I love them and I wouldn’t doubt it. They would like small dogs and cats, enjoy poetry and a cup of tea. They would own professional clothing – as a male they would wear a navy suit, as a woman a pencil skirt and blazer.. They would hold my hand when we were shopping, they would hug me often.. I would never doubt them.

This person makes me believe in love. They make me warm and happy inside.

Life Update: Moving, Gay Stuff, and Whatnot

bernie, bernie2016, bisexual, Family, forgotten, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Personal, sex, Sexuality, Small Things, Uncategorized

I took a leap of faith in moving, and now that I am here, I feel lost. I am home alone most of the time and my days blur together. When my sister is here with me, we do things. In fact we go all out.

I’ve been to Santa Barbara, Go Kart racing, and a Bernie Sanders rally in Santa Maria #bernie2016

That was so amazing, getting to see the man himself just feet away from myself..

But when she isn’t here, I’m left to my thoughts. I can’t go anywhere because I’m broke. I don’t have a job over here, and my funds are running low.. I can’t afford to go to Starbucks everyday like I used to if I don’t have money flow.

So I watch TV, I eat, I go on walks here and there. But I am still alone. I have started Drivers Ed, and intend on having a permit by the end of summer, but right now it doesn’t help my situation.

I miss having a boyfriend’s house to hang out at and someone to chill out with and eat junk food together with.

This next time, I just hope that I choose someone better than the last two.

Oh, that reminds me. I had sex. With a girl. And I also came out to my mom (in a taco bell drive through, on accident). But those are stories for another post.

Anyway.. I moved, and so the people that would have been potential relationships are now not and I don’t even know where I would meet people here. I probably won’t meet anyone for four more years, if I take a gap year, because it sounds like I’ll be doing school online and classes on a college campus.. So dating won’t really happen.

I guess I’ll be lonely for a bit longer.

Toxic Father with Vagina Face

Athiesm, Athiest, Blame, Church, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, fuck you, god, Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Personal

My father, who looks like he has a unkept vagina on his face (due to his awful mustache and beard), just recently held an “Atheism intervention” for me. Isn’t he a wonderful man?

He asked if I would like to get lunch with him, and as the silly woman I am, I agreed thinking he was finally showing love toward me.

Could I have been more wrong?

When I showed up, there was a table of middle-aged white men with their bibles on the table staring at me (no exaggeration).

I sit down, and find out that I have strayed from gods path for me and need to redeem myself.

One of the men kept asking me if I thought god would think I was “righteous”, and I didn’t realize they knew I was an Atheist, so I just kind of just shook my head and ordered a taco.

He took the attention off of me and then talked to my dad, but came back to me and asked again and this time I was flustered, I just wanted lunch and not to bother with strangers who were trying to shove this ultra-religious shit down my throat.

So I looked him in the eye and said “Well no, god wouldn’t think I was religious, because I’m an Atheist and do not believe he exists. So if he happened to really exist, he would not like that very much.” and he just sat there, then picked up his bible and turned to the story about Abraham when he goes to sacrifice his son to god (Oh, because that’s a great story to tell someone when you want to convert them).

He also kept repeating “God redeemed you with his blood, which is so holy.” and I wanted so badly to say “Do you worship god or his blood?” because he made it sound like such a precious gem.

I made the decision to not go to my dad’s house anymore, though.

He hurt me, and doesn’t respect my decisions. Until he can see me as a person and not judge my life choices, he won’t have me at his house.

I don’t need to subject myself to someone who makes me feel like I’m wrong all the time. Not for someone who doesn’t accept me.