Family Stress

Family, Future, home, Journal, Personal, Relationships, school

My mom. If I were going to describe her in a few words, I would say she was brave and independent.

I have looked up to her for a few years now, but honestly there’s a lot that my mom has never offered me.

For one, emotional support.

She has the tendency to downplay my emotions so she doesn’t have to deal with my problems. Using phrases like “mind over matter” to push her agenda that we can overcome emotions simply by making yourself feel another way. Whereas, I believe in completely feeling the way I do before moving on to another thing, I don’t want to mask my emotions or hide from them – believing that such behavior simply delays the time I could spend feeling happier.

I don’t want to just shit on my mom, because while I do believe she has been a more than sufficient provider, she lacks the loving touch, open ears, and shoulder to cry on that I have always desired in a mother.

Those are things neither of my parents have been able to provide me, and I believe this has led to my intense desire to have a partner who I can hug and be close to.

She is rough, however also loving in her own way, but her rough nature makes it incredibly difficult to show her love. The things she wants done, and the ways I show her love are two entirely different things.

She complains a lot about how hard her work is, which I can definitely see – she is the manager of two pains in the ass, and is constantly having to fix their fuck ups. She is required to stay in that boring building, not allowed to use the internet for her own personal entertainment, and they don’t even have music playing.

But.. who doesn’t have problems like those that they have to deal with? Isn’t it just part of being a functioning person to separate your work/school struggles from home life?

Her attitude about life is depressing me. Often, I find myself wondering if I will be the same way. If I will find myself sitting on stairwells at 10pm when I am 40 years old, crying about where my life is going, the decisions I have made.

It was when I started looking at my mom this way, I realized how much I didn’t want to be like her.

I still admire her for everything she has done, accomplished, overcome… but I do not want to be her.

She is exhausting, never happy or content, she doesn’t even know what can make her happy. I’ve suggested she find a new job, but she doesn’t know how to get out of sales work because she has no college degree.


When I moved to the coast, I envisioned a healthy, happy family who lived together in harmony.

Instead, I have been met with more turmoil, anger, and chaos.

Is that just life? Can people live together without fighting, arguing, or bickering? Without petty remarks?

My mom’s boyfriend is another source of stress and discomfort for me. He is always angry – once he broke a container filled with rice when everyone else was gone. He kicked my dog, Ribbon, because she barked at him. He has grabbed me by the wrists before. He likes to intimidate and yell at people..

I’ve never been sexually abused, but I am really uncomfortable around him because I feel like he might do something. The bathroom door doesn’t close all the way in the winter because it’s swollen with water, and every time I go to shower and the door isn’t completely shut, the thought is there.


My sister Riley is mostly a source or relaxation, and honestly if she ever read this, I just want her to know that I just needed to get this out – but, she will inadvertently guilt me much of the time about things like my eating habits, the way I do my make up, or how I will cheat on my math homework occasionally.

Just the other day she said something that has really affected me – that she would kill herself if I got her sick.

I have been so paranoid about making sure I don’t get her sick, and honestly I would feel so guilty if I did (she is sick right now, but she doesn’t have the same symptoms as me)

but the thought is there and so is the guilt.


Which brings me to Kendra – writing this feels unfair because she is a kid, but her influence on my life is so great. She is loud, dirty, and honestly making my life so hectic/insane.

I look forward to when she is at my dad’s every other weekend, simply for the peace and quiet, and being able to keep my room tidy for longer than 20 hours.

She’s so poorly behaved, I don’t know how she makes it through school — she screams, kicks, throws the most bizarre tantrums over things like banana’s, and there’s close to nothing that I can plausibly do about it.

She just doesn’t like me some days. She’ll blatantly say she hates me, that I’m the worst sister. It hurts, I just want to be that person in her life who she can be around without stress and anger surrounding her family.  but honestly I can’t be that person for her. I have a very poor temper myself.


God, today was rough. Besides being sick, Talon was there today – apparently he’s finally changing schools. I have mixed feelings about it..

I keep forgetting that I made out with Sam when he was here.  I also keep thinking about Cadence, in the weirdest moments. I actually asked my mom for a Hundred Grand bar — something that I had only eaten with Cadence at his house. Which is reminding me of mini M&M’s, watching Archer, and drinking homemade iced tea on rainy days.. Staying at his house late at night, driving home on foggy Lovers Lane in Visalia..

I wore a tshirt he gave me the other day – but I keep remembering that he and Abiel are dating.. It still urks me.


School sucks. My teachers suck. The system sucks. The people who go to my school suck.  Waking up early sucks. Being sick sucks. Forgetting coffee sucks.

Why is being happy, content, and calm so difficult?

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I Ran Today

Failure, forgotten, fuck you, Future, home, Hope, Journal, New, no trust, Personal, school

My suicide note is a report card,
My ambition lost with the last F I received,
Every graded discussion has me in shambles,
Every Exam has me on my knees.

I never considered myself much of a quitter,
I left my conscience at home today,
Ran the mile real fast today,
Ran out of the house as I left today,

Forgot the last time I remembered
Forgot about a lot of things,
Can’t forget about the F today,
Can’t forget my keys

Laughed really hard at school today,
Laughed really hard before I cried today.
Hid what I felt and died today,
Hid from myself and what I want today.

Happy Father’s Day: Whores and Addiction

dads, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, fuck you, Journal, Memories, no trust, Personal, sexual harassment

This Father’s Day I will quietly, but unashamedly, denounce Father’s Day because my father was no father to me.

For years, I would listen to the sound of his voice echo throughout our house as my family would try to sleep. His drunken, loud, angry voice yelling at my mom about things she could not control. The same man who threw my sweet, innocent puppy into our concrete patio,breaking some of her ribs…

ronpup

(This could be her as a puppy, the resemblance is uncanny)

The man who slept with prostitutes when working out of town – and didn’t tell my mom before sleeping with her again. Who drank profusely and stared at his twelve year-old daughters breasts that puberty had spit upon her chest. He wasn’t a graceful man, he wasn’t a nice man, he wasn’t even kind. As the naive and uneducated kid that I was, I loved him. He made my life. I was Daddy’s Girl.

As much as I wish I could still accept him, I know things that tore apart any love or sentiment I had for him. He did things that can’t be reversed with an apology, or with a fatherly kiss on the forehead. Even those kisses he planted on my forehead when he left for work have been tarnished because of reckless actions he didn’t have to take. He let his addiction come before his family, he let his love for whores come before his daughters, he let his lust for breasts taint the way I will see him for the rest of my life.

We lived in fear of what he would do next and we sure made hell seem happy – in our nicely furnished home, with our name brand clothing and smiles plastered to our faces. Mom gently reminding us “Don’t air your dirty laundry“, because she knew exactly what would happen if people found out what happened behind our closed doors.  We did such a good job hiding it, when we finally came out and proclaimed the truth, no one believed us.

So, no. I am not celebrating father’s day. I understand that some people have nice fathers, however foreign that may seem to me right now. Some people love their dads, they might even have good relationships with them.. But to me, father’s day may as well be what Hanukkah is to an Atheist: absolutely meaningless.

Toxic Father with Vagina Face

Atheism, Blame, Church, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, fuck you, god, Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Personal

My father, who looks like he has a unkept vagina on his face (due to his awful mustache and beard), just recently held an “Atheism intervention” for me. Isn’t he a wonderful man?

He asked if I would like to get lunch with him, and as the silly woman I am, I agreed thinking he was finally showing love toward me.

Could I have been more wrong?

When I showed up, there was a table of middle-aged white men with their bibles on the table staring at me (no exaggeration).

I sit down, and find out that I have strayed from gods path for me and need to redeem myself.

One of the men kept asking me if I thought god would think I was “righteous”, and I didn’t realize they knew I was an Atheist, so I just kind of just shook my head and ordered a taco.

He took the attention off of me and then talked to my dad, but came back to me and asked again and this time I was flustered, I just wanted lunch and not to bother with strangers who were trying to shove this ultra-religious shit down my throat.

So I looked him in the eye and said “Well no, god wouldn’t think I was religious, because I’m an Atheist and do not believe he exists. So if he happened to really exist, he would not like that very much.” and he just sat there, then picked up his bible and turned to the story about Abraham when he goes to sacrifice his son to god (Oh, because that’s a great story to tell someone when you want to convert them).

He also kept repeating “God redeemed you with his blood, which is so holy.” and I wanted so badly to say “Do you worship god or his blood?” because he made it sound like such a precious gem.

I made the decision to not go to my dad’s house anymore, though.

He hurt me, and doesn’t respect my decisions. Until he can see me as a person and not judge my life choices, he won’t have me at his house.

I don’t need to subject myself to someone who makes me feel like I’m wrong all the time. Not for someone who doesn’t accept me.

New Perspective

Beauty, bisexual, Future, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love

I’ve been through major transitions recently, and they have taken a toll on my emotional well being.

As one of my sweet friends once told me, you always have to take the garbage out to keep life running smoothly.

I forgot to take my hypothetical-emotional-garbage out a few weeks in a row and I was having to tip-toe around it.

I have taken a deep breath and found a new perspective, which is necessary for me every few months.

I’m liking this new view.

I finally took out the garbage, purged it over a few days and now it’s finally coming together, I had to drop a few responsibilities, but I’m getting stuff done and slowly gaining momentum again.

Little Smiles

Family, Loving Life, Questioning Sexuality, Sexuality, Small Things, Smiling

Today could have been a really awful day for me, but I have a new approach to looking at my life.

I have problems with my dirty room, or the fact that I have procrastination issues. But, I’ve decided that if I’m going to procrastinate, which I will, then I should at least enjoy it. So no guilt, but knowing I will still get done what I need to.

I have been questioning my sexuality recently, something I didn’t think I would ever do. But, liking someone can change that. She is interesting, and we have the best conversations, which maybe she and I are just really good friends, but maybe we are more. Something between us just connects and I love that. Though, I doubt she is interested in me (she is bisexual though). Because that seems to just be my luck with people I have feelings with 🙂

But I enjoy her company and opinions on things, we have a lot in common. People in our town wouldn’t support it, in fact, my family wouldn’t agree with it. My mom would, but no one else in my family. (Except my uncle who moved away when he came out. No one talks to him anymore.)

So, unless these feelings get out of hand, she and I will remain friends.

I have a feeling that this will pass though.

______________________

Sometimes I am content, like right now. I have a Salted Caramel Mocha, and it’s venti. I really enjoy this autumn weather too. I splurged today and bought new makeup and brushes, as well as new Eos. The little things that bring me happiness, and sure, maybe it’s momentary happiness, but what else is life for? Why do we live if not for the small moments that bring small smiles to our faces? I think those smiles are the most important because everyone has the big smiles, but having little things in your life that make you smile involuntarily many times a day are what make us all special, because everyone smiles at birthday parties and weddings, but not everyone smiles at new chapstick or a new makeup brush. It’s what makes us unique and wonderful as people.

I love having days when everything makes me have those little smiles. It makes life worth living and trudging through.

I hope you, Reader, are having a wonderful day too. I hope you have someone in your life that you can take a moment to appreciate and love through their imperfections because you are eachother’s to love. I hope you can take a moment to appreciate your mother, and if you have them, siblings. Love them. Not just because they are family, but because they have dealt with you through your faults and that makes them very special. I’m not going to tell you to love your fathers, because I would feel hypocritical because I do not love my own. So, if you love your father, that is amazing and great. I hope you have a good relationship with your dad. But, love everyone just a little. That’s what I’d like to say to each reader who somehow finds this post.