I’m Fine

Creative Writing, Failure, fuck you, Her, Journal, Memories, no trust, Partner, Peace, Personal, Relationships

Tears dropped from her eyes, “I’m fine,” no one was there to hear the statement “I’m fine” desperately repeated in a hysterical plea.

How could she be fine? Her grandfather lay in the ground, deep in a concrete hole. She felt sick – Their last goodbye would always be that; Their last. 

“I’m fine,” the words stuck to her lips like fly paper “I’m fine” a lump rose in her throat, her stomach felt like it was filled with acid.  

Her mother walked through the door, “Guess who hit goal today!” Completely oblivious to the breakdown the girl was having. “The sweetest older couple came in and bought two temperpedics!”

In that moment she realized how much she meant. That her mother’s job had more significance than her tears.

Later that night her sister asked to hangout, they would go driving and get Starbucks, and talk. Really, her sister would do the talking and tune her out if she said a word. Or complain that she never listened and used her for Starbucks because the girl didn’t have a job to pay – when she had been invited, said thank you, and apologized for not having the funds – when her sister had insisted she get something and upgraded her drink from a grande to a venti without asking – but then blamed her. 

The sister would talk about cheating on her boyfriend of the time, about going out and partying, and when the girl didn’t respond with “Ooooh, take me!” She was met with a glare, and asked why she was being judge mental.

Like she was supposed to support getting wasted and cheating – but she loved her sister. She didn’t want her to feel like she was taking advantage of her.. She went out with her sister because it was the only time they spent together anymore.. Even though she felt used and unwanted, she went because it was her big sister. She loved her more than anything else in the fucking world.

“I’m fine” she laughed when she passed her ex on the freeway, making eye contact. 

“I’m fine” when she slept with someone who she barely knew

“I’m fine” when she got an average SAT score

“I’m fine” when the dude who ghosted her popped back into her life and disappeared again.

But the world was crippling her, weighing her down when she realized just how average and mediocre she would become. When she realized she would be like her parents and barely be able to afford to pay the bills. Questioning her ability to survive when she was already thinking about how to kill herself, and had been for the last six years. 

Thinking about her dead grandpa, realizing one day she would die and there nothing she could ever do about it. 

She was anything but fine, in a world that masked and beautified anything terrifying. She felt lost, but didn’t want comfort. She wanted assurance, she wanted answers that didn’t exist, but most of all she wanted to feel loved, when no one had ever taken the time to make her feel cared for.

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Insanity

Journal, Personal, Poetry, Relationships

I get attached too easily,
Care too hard,
Love too endlessly.

My head is too heavy,
Heart too strong,
Legs too weak to carry.

I see too much in myself.
Too much, too little, in others.

I see myself in the clouds,
In the faces of people
That I have never met.

I love those, who I have never
Spoken more than four syllables to.

I see myself, I see love, and I see pain
In the eyes of those who I care for.

They see insanity in me.

An Apology for her Neediness

Blame, Future, Her, Hope, Journal, Love, Memories, New, Partner, Relationships

Thinking back on our relationship, I started seeing things that I wouldn’t have payed attention to before, I didn’t know they would mean something later on.

I was so much more emotionally invested than you, wasn’t I? I cared more about meeting your mom and family, I cared more about how I made impressions, and I think that you knew that we would inevitably break up, and so you didn’t care as much about those things. You didn’t even bother to try seeing me on New Years even though I had told you prior that it was important to me – you did the same thing when I invited you over to see Nate.. Was your dad’s house just an excuse? If I hadn’t asked to talk to you and made it sound so urgent, would we still  be together? Could we have been happy?

No.. We wouldn’t have been.

I want you to know that I did try – I took Riley’s advice about not breaking up just because a few bad things happened, to actively try to make the relationship work.. I don’t think you ever wanted to try and make things work. I think that you didn’t take it seriously.

I didn’t want to just be your girlfriend when you were a senior, I wanted to be with you for a couple of years.. I wasn’t planning on breaking up with you like I had done before – I wanted to stick it out. And guess what – we lasted just under 6 months together. My first relationship was longer. Your relationship with Ashley was longer.

It’s ironic isn’t it? You didn’t work with her because she didn’t show you affection, and we didn’t work because I was too affectionate and needed too much affection.

I wonder if you’ve told your mom. If you’ve told Gage and Wyatt. I wonder if you have ranted about me to your friends on Xbox.

I went to SLO with my mom today, we talked about her old boyfriends and went through her old yearbooks – she couldn’t remember half of their last names. I realized how much you won’t matter in twenty years – that helped.

I never stopped loving Sam, I hope I stop loving you.. I don’t want to have to deal with this pain too often.

I’ll get over this soon. I have a feeling you’re happier single anyway. No one to waste your time and money, no one to drag you around town during lunch.

My need for affection will be my downfall, won’t it? I wish I could have been less for you. I wish we could have worked. I liked your family, however quirky they were. I liked how you would get so invested in your games, how you would get annoyed at me. I liked your friends, and I could only wish they liked me too.

Maybe you were too important to me. I’m sorry.

I Ran Today

Failure, forgotten, fuck you, Future, home, Hope, Journal, New, no trust, Personal, school

My suicide note is a report card,
My ambition lost with the last F I received,
Every graded discussion has me in shambles,
Every Exam has me on my knees.

I never considered myself much of a quitter,
I left my conscience at home today,
Ran the mile real fast today,
Ran out of the house as I left today,

Forgot the last time I remembered
Forgot about a lot of things,
Can’t forget about the F today,
Can’t forget my keys

Laughed really hard at school today,
Laughed really hard before I cried today.
Hid what I felt and died today,
Hid from myself and what I want today.

F is for Failing

Failure, fuck you, Future, home, Humanist, Journal, New, no trust, school

I feel miserable.

I feel stupid.

I have one A.

I have one B..

I have three C’s.

I have one D.

I have one F.

I didn’t think high school would be this difficult.

I wake up in the morning, crawl out of bed and loath the day coming.

I feel like throwing up most days and I’m not sure why.

I always have a throbbing headache now.

I am self conscious about things that never used to bother me.

I find myself binge eating more than ever.

I hate myself for binge eating because I know I hate being unfit when I’m in PE.

I see the kids in PE and wonder why I let myself get where I have.

I see the kids in PE and hate that I can’t do a pushup.

I get home, look in the mirror, and I don’t look like myself anymore.

I find myself crying when I lay in bed at night.

I don’t know why.

I kick myself because there are other kids at my school who are in multiple AP classes.

They can keep their grades up. I don’t know why I can’t.

They are the kids who are in anatomy and chemistry, they can keep their grades up.

They know how to take the tests and do well on them.

These kids know how to do these things I have never done before.

I’m really stressed.

I’m second guessing everything I have ever thought of myself.

Some things haven’t changed.

I cheated on my physics homework last night.

I can’t live up to the standards I used to hold myself to.

This week, I’ve contemplated ending it all more than I would like to admit.

I’ve contemplated dropping out of school.

I’ve thought about how easy it would be to just walk into a busy street.

I get home and there is drama.

I have to do my homework.

I stay up late to get it all done.

I leave home and there is drama.

I get to school and I feel judgement.

I get to class early, judgement.

I get to class late, judgement.

I walk in the halls, judgement.

I change into my PE clothes, judgement.

Walking to class, there is judgement.

In the bathroom, waiting in line, judgement.

I have anxiety like never before – I can’t do any of my hobbies anymore.

Watch tv shows? Not unless I want to fail.

Fail. Failure. Loser. Slow. Incapable. Over confident. Fat. Awkward.

I just want a friend. A close friend. I don’t have one anymore.. In fact, I don’t really have anyone to confide in. My mom never has been good at those things, Riley doesn’t like to have me bringing her down, and that leaves Talon. To him, this is just self-loathing. Thanks. I have no real friends yet – there’s Allison in PE but we don’t talk or see eachother outside of there, and there is Noah. Sadly, I think those are the two people I have made acquaintances with. Noah wouldn’t be able to help and it would be weird of me to talk to him about anything besides the homework we have in common. I don’t even know Allison’s last name.

Once again, I find myself in this place. I am alone. I am left to solve things by myself and with no one to give me sound advice that I can actually apply to my life. I guess that makes you, my readers, the only people connected to me this personally. I don’t know your faces, I don’t know your names, I don’t even know if you like me, but thank you. You’re here when I need you, you listen. You take the time to read what I am saying, despite how completely meaningless it feels.

Too Much, Too Little, Too Many Questions

Future, Hope, Jealousy, Journal, New, no trust, Partner, Peace, Personal, Small Things, Smiling

Right now I need to cry. I don’t know why, I’m not sure what is making me feel like this. Is it my doubts? My fears? My intuition? Can I sense that something is not right, or am I making a problem?

Isn’t that my life in a nutshell? I worry, make issues (referencing: sam), or I assume I have made an issue and later find out that I was correct the entire time (referencing: megan/cadence)..

My intuition told me to not trust Cadence because he was so close with Megan – now my intuition is telling me to be alert. It’s telling me to keep my eyes open, pay attention to my situations.. Should I trust? Opening myself up to trust someone new is terrifying.. They can hurt me, they could end up being untrustworthy, or they could just be playing with me.

I’m too eager. I care too much. I love too much. I’m too sensitive. I am too much.

What if he isn’t over her? What if this really means nothing to him and he’s just good with words and convincing me? What if.. There are so many what ifs.

I started questioning when I felt distance, wondering if this was really as great as I had assumed. Most things aren’t. Most things disappoint, hurt, or anger me once I find out the truth. I’m hesitant to care.. I’m nervous because if this isn’t some sort of satirical joke, it’s not going to be like the last two. Somehow, it will be realistic for me. I don’t have plans to move away. I don’t have a college I’m set on. I don’t even have any set plans for my future.. This could end up being longer than any other relationship I have had.

I don’t want to commit myself to someone who isn’t ready, to someone who I might not be sexually compatible with, to someone who after the first week of seeing eachother already is wanting a break. Is it doomed from the start? Are these things workable? Am I finding issues where they aren’t?

On the other side of the argument.. The last time I felt as relaxed as I do in his arms, I was an infant. He makes me calm, happy, relaxed. He makes me smile naturally, like no one else has been able to do since before the divorce. Then I must pose the question to myself – am I being too attached too soon? Do I care too much? Did I allow myself to be too vulnerable too soon? Push things too far too fast?

I wish I understood, but I never understand. I wish I wasn’t as inhibited as I have become since moving. I also wish I wasn’t abused, but we all know how that worked out.

My Perfect Partner

Athiest, beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, Domestic Violence, equality, Family, feminism, Future, Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Memories, Partner, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Religion, Small Things, Smiling

My perfect partner.. They would be assertive, taller than me, about a year older than me, pretty fit or small, kiss really well, their occupation would be in a field of science, they would be a mathematical person with soft emotions, we would share the same taste in music and humor, they would be atheist or buddhist. Preferably would have brown or dark hair, would wear leather shoes (probably oxfords or sandals). They would play chess, read for leisure, cook occasionally. High libido, masculine but not necessarily male. They would love theatre like Shakespeare and have wanderlust. They would aspire to know everything they could, never stop learning. They would love foggy weather, as well as the rainy days. They would share my nerdy side, loving Lord of the Rings and Sherlock as much as me. They would understand that I have many emotional issues, including but not limited to PTSD, depression, anxiety, and binge eating. They would understand that sometimes I really just need to be left alone or have things that are just mine and don’t share. They would let me go through everything I need to – like dying/cutting my hair, losing or gaining weight, that sometimes I get jealous and I can’t help it. They wouldn’t mind me spam texting them when I feel like it, that I can over analyze things because of my past. They wouldn’t mind that I can overreact to things, that sometimes I need weeks or months to just cry. Sometimes I can’t sleep. They would understand that I have a really difficult time loving people, that I have a really difficult time trusting something that isn’t fantasy or an animal. They would understand that I am a person who fluctuates in everything: emotions, weight, ideas. I’m constantly changing and don’t like settling. They would understand that I have a very hard time trusting men specifically, that I have a lot of triggers, that when I love I love fully and will commit like nothing else in the entire world because they are mine and they understand me. They would need to be passionate and caring, interesting but not a douche, kind but not delusionally so. They would never leave me. They would be really sexual, enjoy the mystery of large cities and live in one with me. Their last name wouldn’t start with an S because I don’t want my initials to be ASS (which sucks because I have a tendency to attract and be attracted to people with surnames that begin with S). They would be down for adventure at any hour. They wouldn’t let me get stuck in my ruts where I forget what I love..

Most importantly, I want to be attracted to them in the way that I fall in love instantly. The kind that makes me crazy, the kind that I can’t sleep over. Where I yearn to know everything about them and once I know that, I want to learn more.

They would be feminist, an ally or part of the LGBTQ community, they wouldn’t support anything anti-LGBT, they would understand the importance of spreading the knowledge of domestic violence. They would love me as much as I love them and I wouldn’t doubt it. They would like small dogs and cats, enjoy poetry and a cup of tea. They would own professional clothing – as a male they would wear a navy suit, as a woman a pencil skirt and blazer.. They would hold my hand when we were shopping, they would hug me often.. I would never doubt them.

This person makes me believe in love. They make me warm and happy inside.

I’m Suspicious (with reason)

Blame, equality, feminism, forgotten, fuck you, Future, Her, Hope, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust

I’ve been considering things, and I’ve known for quite some time that I was uncomfortable with my reaction to Cadence/Megan (aka Bitch Faced Cunt). How I had essentially blamed Megan for Cadence’s actions, how I took it out on her. It made me feel like a terrible feminist, like a terrible person.

After a conversation with my mom this evening, it came to me. I wasn’t a bad person or feminist for reacting the way I did. If Megan had been a man in the same scenario, I would have reacted the same way. I wasn’t degrading her as a girl, I was degrading her because she was a shitty person who did some shitty things. I had my reasons for being suspicious about her during my relationship with Cadence, and it turned out the suspicions were accurate.

I went through Cadence’s messages with her before (with his consent), and his reactions when I was on his phone made me uncomfortable. He looked nervous, he had that look in his eye – he was scared I was going to find something..

And I found out Cadence wasn’t a trustworthy dude. He sent nude photos of me to his best friend and lied to me about it when I confronted him.. He would lie to me about how often he talked to Megan.. Those things themselves really don’t bother me.. So what? Another dude has seen my breasts, I really don’t give a fuck about that. But he lied to me. And so what? He was talking to one of his friends, Megan. I wouldn’t have cared, but he lied.

He made himself suspicious by lying. He made himself a douchebag by lying. He was never the most trustworthy looking guy, I mean, he got banned from Target for loitering in the chip aisle and he knew how to slash tires (!?) which really should have sent more warning lights off than it originally did (duly noted, and to be assessed later), plus his parents were also banned from a whole city and his dad went to prison.. They also illegally sold pot.

Man. Bad family. I should really count my “blessings” that I got out of that relationship and it didn’t get any more serious.

The entire reason for this post is that I no longer need to feel guilty about my reaction to what happened, I blamed her not because of jealousy of her as a girl or because I was angry at Cadence, both of which I was accused of, but because the entire time I was right and as much as those two would like to deny my own accusations about how they did things together that they knew I would be uncomfortable and hid it from me, then lied about it, it happened and because it happened, I am entitled to feel as angry, annoyed, or flustered as I goddamn want to.

They can no longer make me feel inferior about having emotions or for having a negative reaction to something that they repeatedly lied and hid from me. I guess they were angry more that I had found out and less that it had happened.

Life Update: Moving, Gay Stuff, and Whatnot

bernie, bernie2016, bisexual, Family, forgotten, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Personal, sex, Sexuality, Small Things, Uncategorized

I took a leap of faith in moving, and now that I am here, I feel lost. I am home alone most of the time and my days blur together. When my sister is here with me, we do things. In fact we go all out.

I’ve been to Santa Barbara, Go Kart racing, and a Bernie Sanders rally in Santa Maria #bernie2016

That was so amazing, getting to see the man himself just feet away from myself..

But when she isn’t here, I’m left to my thoughts. I can’t go anywhere because I’m broke. I don’t have a job over here, and my funds are running low.. I can’t afford to go to Starbucks everyday like I used to if I don’t have money flow.

So I watch TV, I eat, I go on walks here and there. But I am still alone. I have started Drivers Ed, and intend on having a permit by the end of summer, but right now it doesn’t help my situation.

I miss having a boyfriend’s house to hang out at and someone to chill out with and eat junk food together with.

This next time, I just hope that I choose someone better than the last two.

Oh, that reminds me. I had sex. With a girl. And I also came out to my mom (in a taco bell drive through, on accident). But those are stories for another post.

Anyway.. I moved, and so the people that would have been potential relationships are now not and I don’t even know where I would meet people here. I probably won’t meet anyone for four more years, if I take a gap year, because it sounds like I’ll be doing school online and classes on a college campus.. So dating won’t really happen.

I guess I’ll be lonely for a bit longer.

Toxic Father with Vagina Face

Atheism, Blame, Church, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, fuck you, god, Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Personal

My father, who looks like he has a unkept vagina on his face (due to his awful mustache and beard), just recently held an “Atheism intervention” for me. Isn’t he a wonderful man?

He asked if I would like to get lunch with him, and as the silly woman I am, I agreed thinking he was finally showing love toward me.

Could I have been more wrong?

When I showed up, there was a table of middle-aged white men with their bibles on the table staring at me (no exaggeration).

I sit down, and find out that I have strayed from gods path for me and need to redeem myself.

One of the men kept asking me if I thought god would think I was “righteous”, and I didn’t realize they knew I was an Atheist, so I just kind of just shook my head and ordered a taco.

He took the attention off of me and then talked to my dad, but came back to me and asked again and this time I was flustered, I just wanted lunch and not to bother with strangers who were trying to shove this ultra-religious shit down my throat.

So I looked him in the eye and said “Well no, god wouldn’t think I was religious, because I’m an Atheist and do not believe he exists. So if he happened to really exist, he would not like that very much.” and he just sat there, then picked up his bible and turned to the story about Abraham when he goes to sacrifice his son to god (Oh, because that’s a great story to tell someone when you want to convert them).

He also kept repeating “God redeemed you with his blood, which is so holy.” and I wanted so badly to say “Do you worship god or his blood?” because he made it sound like such a precious gem.

I made the decision to not go to my dad’s house anymore, though.

He hurt me, and doesn’t respect my decisions. Until he can see me as a person and not judge my life choices, he won’t have me at his house.

I don’t need to subject myself to someone who makes me feel like I’m wrong all the time. Not for someone who doesn’t accept me.