No matter where you go in life, there will be somebody somewhere who is looking to entice a reaction out of you. Everybody and their mother has an opinion on the way that you conduct your life – and it’s the human condition to be negative unless we are actively working against it. So one can draw the conclusion that most will have a negative opinion of you.
The peanut gallery in your life is probably telling you everything you’re doing wrong – I know mine is. It’s good to glean little bits and pieces of it, so that you don’t lose touch with reality. However too much of it, and you might as well have downed a bottle of arsenic. It’s best to not confront these people, however tempting it might be, because keeping your mouth shut preserves your integrity. I don’t keep my mouth shut often, therefore I have little integrity left.
How am I supposed to keep my mouth shut when my integrity is being threatened? When I have put my life into my work ethic and people begin to criticize it? After I have spent a year planning my life, and the first step I take my family tells me is a bad decision? I have been trying to make the right choices – I am saving money, I am independent, I am going to college, and yet the devil is in the details because I “picked the wrong city” and they tell me they don’t support me, when that is all that I have asked of them.
I haven’t asked for money when I had to eat cold beans out of a can with a make-shift foil spoon. Or when I lived in a fucking shed. When I was walking ten miles a day because I had no car.
Or now, when I have zero dollars in my bank account and cannot afford groceries.
You can talk all that you want about my bad attitude and my resting bitch face, you can complain all that you want about me- if you do it to my face. Right now, left and right, I am hearing about people who talk about me behind my back. I’m hearing from people who feel free to text me about what a terrible person I am and all of the intricate things that they believe are wrong with me- all from behind a screen.
Say it to my face. Look me in the eye and tell me what you think is wrong with me.
Because I bet you’ll see the human inside of me. I bet that you won’t be able to choke those words out, because once you see my face and my eyes and my demeanor, you’ll realize I am more than your opinion of me. I am a complex human, I am more than what you have seen, and there is not a single person on this planet who knows every side of me.
So, Grammie, you don’t think I can survive on my own in San Francisco? That’s alright, I don’t think I can either. However, this isn’t your life. These are not your decisions to make. And I have decided that I am willing to take a little chance and see if I can. It wouldn’t be hard, it wouldn’t be rewarding, it wouldn’t be worth it if everybody could do it.
So you think I have a resting bitch face? You are right, I do. However, Allison, you would too if you had to walk twenty minutes in one-hundred degree heat to get to work, where you have to tolerate and be nice to people who pass judgement on you for doing your job as their supervisor and asking them to do the easiest job they will ever have.
So, Jarred and Haddie – you guys think I pick on you. You’re absolutely right. I do pick on you, but before you running and telling on me, I only pick on you because you are lazy as shit and have the worst work ethics I have ever seen in people. It’s my problem that I let it affect me, but you are never going to escape the fact that you have been handed everything in life and therefore will never understand the value of sweating, or a dollar for that matter.
So Leo, and Nate, and Joe, and literally anyone who has ever gossiped about me and then tried to act like my friend. You are so replaceable in my life. Have a little backbone or substance or whatever you want to call it. Why be so flimsy in your opinion? Like I mentioned above, tell me to my fucking face what you think about me. Even if you don’t, I’m going to find out what you said. People talk, as you obviously know, and what you said will get twisted into the ugliest version possible, and eventually make it to my ears. I know what you guys say about me, and I think you are all mother fucking pussies for not saying what you think to me.
People say I am argumentative. That I’ve got rough edges and a rough personality, and I’m too honest. They say that I am irrational and have some sort of chip on my shoulder. People have called me entitled and lazy and a million other things that prove to me that they have no clue who I am. If any of them had bothered to get to know who I actually am, they would realize I am one of the softest and most giving people they had ever known. They would see that I don’t have the option to be lazy. They would understand that the supposed resting bitch face that I’ve got isn’t always there.
But no one tries to know me, and the story ends there.
It’s no one’s job to try to understand me, but I think it’s hypocritical to expect anything less than the superficial unless you put energy into me.