Life Update: New Feelings

beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, feminism, fuck you, Future, Her, Hope, Journal, Love, Loving Life, New, Partner, Perfect, Personal, Relationships, Sexuality, Small Things, Smiling

It’s been awhile since I posted, mostly because my laptop stopped working. I’m beginning to realize that I post on here so I can look back at my life with a roughly complete set of documents on how I felt at a particular point in time.

It’s interesting, seeing how I’ve struggled in the past compared to how I struggle now. The recurring issues, what I was once passionate about – the things that got me angry or made me feel loved.

I currently have feelings for someone. It’s really bad. Kind of taking over my life. But that’s always how I can tell that it won’t become something – I’ve never dated someone I was infatuated with. It’s just never happened.

But jesus she’s beautiful. Distracting, even. I find myself forgetting what we’re doing in class because of the way she taps her foot or smiles. I’m worried she only sees me as a friend, though.

Last year, we entertained the idea of being something – which she couldn’t have forgot (could she??). We were talking for like a week before she told me she wasn’t over her ex. So I let it go and went on with my life and kept talking to Charley to pass the time. That worked all summer – but now I’m back at school and have two classes with the most beautiful person on campus, she is impossible for me to ignore.

I want to know everything about her, the details about her childhood, her greatest fear in life, I want to hang out on Saturdays in our pajamas while she plays video games and just hang out. I would be happy just to be in her presence. She’s talented, beautiful, funny, and just plain perfect. I have a feeling that my sister and close friends are tired of hearing me talk about her, and I understand because I’ve definitely been there with someone – when they just won’t shut the fuck up about a person that they’ve liked for ages but never pursued anything with.

It’s just annoying.

But the thing is, I am worried to pursue anything because we tried things out like four months ago and she let me down easy. The thing about not being over her ex is 50% chance a way of not hurting me while also getting me to go away or 50% the truth. SO, if by chance it is the first option, I don’t want to make a fool out of myself by declaring an undying love for her beauty and mind when she is totally not feeling it.

I’d rather keep my mouth shut and slowly die inside as I grow more and more fond of her. I’ve been rejected so many times, I probably couldn’t count. Actually, I could – I am just happy naive. But my point is that I don’t want to be rejected again. My heart couldn’t take it, not when I feel this strongly. I’d probably be bed ridden for a week and not be able to eat again.

She does talk to me, though. Which is something. She waved at me the first day of class, and talks to me before class too. I wonder if she can tell how flustered I get? Or if I blush.. I’ve been known to blush before.

My heart physically aches when I think about her. This is so shitty and also so fucking amazing.

Why do I feel this strongly when I like someone?

God. It feels like something is wrong with me because everyone else seems to just ease into relationships. They go so goddamn smoothly and no one is put in an awkward position of liking the other person more.

Why can’t I be so fucking smooth? Just enough for her to realize I’m not a total nut job.

Even though I sorta am

She said she liked my art today.. Probably just being nice, because what else would have been a polite response? I shouldn’t let it get to my head.

FUck. Why do I have to respond 2 minutes after I get a goddamn snapchat from her every time? She takes like 20 minutes, but I’m over here, Ms. Needy Asf, and responding lightning fast. No wonder she is acting unsure – I’m way too clingy. Fuck. I need to be more detached, don’t I? Show that I’m not gonna be a psycho bitch…

I hate when I write posts like this and I think about how the future me knows how this all pans out. Like, do I go psycho and smash her car windows while screaming and crying because we dated for a year and I found out she never loved me? Do I confess my feelings to be rejected and told she isn’t that into me, and we’re better off as two gay people who are just friends? Or maybe we move to Hawaii and live there until we’re 100 and raise chickens on a property overlooking the ocean and drink coffee early in the morning as we watch the sunrise? I kinda like that last option a lot. Perhaps I never say anything. I just let this perpetual mood swing go on until we graduate and go our separate ways in life. I hate that thought, of moving on with my life and just having her not be a part of my everyday life.. Shit, and I felt like a three day weekend was going to be rough.

I really have feelings for this girl, but I don’t know what the fuck to do right now.

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Let’s Go

beautiful, Beauty, Creative Writing, Future, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Nature, New, Peace, Personal, Relationships

Everyday I am alive, the realization that I have no idea what I’m doing sets in a little bit more.

That my anxiety is a hormonal reaction, and that everyone sees the world very differently.

I’m discovering how I want to see the world, and the person I want to become.
Seeing what makes me genuinely happy, figuring out how to deal with difficult people/situations, and the ongoing struggle to react in ways that represent who I want to be.

I’m finding that I need someone to love. There is an overwhelming amount of love inside of me that I want to give, paired with my extensive barriers that my experiences have created. It’s near impossible to trust when I have given so much love to find that I was being used. Naïveté in it’s purest form, to love someone who has no intentions of loving you back.

I also have the need to travel, to go somewhere that no one speaks my language and I’m scoffed at for being american, and to taste food that was prepared farther away from my home than I have currently been. I want to ride a plane across the ocean, look out the window and be afraid. I want to skydive, ride in a hot air balloon, bungee jump, and watch the sunrise in India while a bustling city wakes up below me. I want to sip a latte in Paris as it rains, eat a orange in the south of France, kayak in Greece, I want to see and go everywhere.

I want to learn how to love running and to be someone the weak envy.

I want to eat avocado toast for breakfast with a cup of black coffee everyday at five-thirty in the morning before I have to go to work.

I want to save money, and have a life I am proud of living.

That is really what I want. To be proud of my life. Escape limiting beliefs and achieve everything my heart desires. I know I can. I will.

Where Are You?

fuck you, Her, Journal, no trust, Partner, Personal, Relationships, sex, sexual harassment, stalker

I started going to therapy, so far I’ve been twice. I’m not doing well. I’ve been increasingly more insecure and unhappy with myself over time – noticing things I hadn’t before and losing sleep over back fat or my stretch marks. I’ve been rejected, almost raped, and ghosted so many times now that I’m giving up on finding anyone worth being with. They’ve either fucked my sister or have confederate flags hanging in their room – or something equivalent. There’s the emotionally unavailable, the too eager, the borderline sexual assaulter, the one who loves too hard too fast and then it fades, the one who stays with me cause it’s convenient, the one who loves me but I don’t feel the same, the one who is way too old for me.

Where is the one who works with me? Where is that type?

Such is Life

Future, Journal, Love, Personal, Relationships, Smiling

For someone who loves writing as much as myself, I sure have a hard time writing pieces that accurately color what my life is like. Most of what I write is done through cynicism and anger, but only because those are the things I don’t want my life to be.

Muse is my outlet, it is the cleansing stream in my life that allows me to function – it’s my way of communicating with myself, of telling someone how I feel minus the confrontation.

I’m not sure I have ever come right out and said this, but everything I write on here has a motive – almost every post I intend for a particular person to read. Sometimes I send what I write to them, sometimes I’ll send them a link a few months after writing it. Sometimes I let the posts sit, I let those emotions live on through the internets vast expanse, never to be read by the person who I want to read them. Such is life.

I know who I want to read this post. I know who it is that I want to see my snapchat stories, who I want to respond to my messages and send cute selfies to me – I know very well who it is. I know too well.

Yesterday I was questioning if I still was attracted to them, after a pretty awkward encounter I was left concerned and after that I received a message which told me they weren’t ready to move on from their ex. I’ve been rather melancholy since then.

Don’t get me wrong, I sincerely want them to fully recover from their break up and get over their ex — because that’s a really shitty place to be in. I don’t want to pretend that I understand how he feels, or what has gone on in their head, because that’s impractical of me. I also don’t want to pretend like their happiness is my only reason for wanting them to get over their ex. It’s definitely not my only reason, and it’s not my motive for writing this either.

I’m afraid I have actually started having feelings for him.

Before Sunday,  I just thought he had some really nice hair and a decent jawline – but now I cannot stop myself from becoming a complete imbecile in front of him. I forget basic hand-eye coordination and how to function as a fucking person. My laugh turns into this awkward snort, and I swear I look so unattractive when I like someone. It’s instinctual for me to glance over at him – because if it wasn’t, I sure as hell wouldn’t be doing it.

The timing here is absolute shit – I’m under the impression that he’s wanting to get over his ex and not have anything complicated right now, and that’s the exact opposite of what my feelings would do.  Feelings complicate everything – for as great as they are, they are equally as troublesome.

If I tell him how I feel, I’m pretty certain he would just become distressed by the knowledge. I know I would be. I shouldn’t say anything to him about this. I probably shouldn’t tell anyone. I should just stop mentioning him altogether, stop texting Staci about him, stop talking to Miro about him..

But he’s gorgeous, and funny, and almost exactly what I want in a partner – whether you asked me in kindergarten, five months ago, or today. He also reminds me of San Francisco Jacob. My feelings for him were dangerous – I lost all of my good judgment when I talked to him.

Since the current predicament means that he and I can’t get closer, I don’t want to have feelings for him at all. But I do have those feelings, and I don’t want to let them go.

The only pure thing in life is love, and I will cherish it every time it comes into my life. But just as love comes into our lives, it’s almost inevitable that it will be ripped from our tight grasp or fall apart on it’s own and just knowing that makes these feelings bittersweet.

Wondering that if I read this in the future, knowing what will happen (or what will have happened) if he will fizzle out of my mind and life in three weeks, or if I read this in 5, 6, or 7 months and we have just broken up, or if I remember the time I did something extremely stupid and sent him a link to this blog – and then I’ll sit back and wonder if he ever checked it after that. I’ll cry. Or maybe we end up having a short sexual fling and I’ll cringe thinking back on it.

And despite the possible tears, the physical pain in my chest when I think of some happy memory together, the potential break up, there’s a slim chance that we would work out. I don’t even know if he has feelings for me or if he’s just physically attracted to me , but that just emphasizes my point – because even knowing those detrimental things could happen, I want to try. I want to put myself out there and tell him how I feel.

I always come to the same conclusion when I am at this crossroad – do I tell them? Do I move on? What do I have to lose, when I could gain so much?

I always tell them how I feel.

God, I’m stupid and I will always be stupid for someone who shares my same morals and beliefs. It’s simply a bonus that he’s attractive – but it’s one I wouldn’t deny myself. He’s funny on top of it. Funny, attractive, intelligent, he’s even kind. I don’t want to pass this up, but I’m also scared that if I act on it I’ll decimate my chances of making anything work ever. I need to just wait a few days and see where life takes this.

I’m worried we won’t be compatible, though. After breaking up, I’ve been concerned that I’m just not compatible with a lot of people. What if I am too needy for him? What if I am too passionate and care too much for him? Talon thought he wanted that when we got together, and we ended up being perfectly wrong for each other.

But I would never compare Sam to Cadence, or Cadence to Talon, they have all been very different for me – none of them were similar. I can only expect that he would be different, and I sincerely hope that something will work out between us. He seems like a great person, someone I want to get to know very well.

My Perfect Partner

Athiest, beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, Domestic Violence, equality, Family, feminism, Future, Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Memories, Partner, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Religion, Small Things, Smiling

My perfect partner.. They would be assertive, taller than me, about a year older than me, pretty fit or small, kiss really well, their occupation would be in a field of science, they would be a mathematical person with soft emotions, we would share the same taste in music and humor, they would be atheist or buddhist. Preferably would have brown or dark hair, would wear leather shoes (probably oxfords or sandals). They would play chess, read for leisure, cook occasionally. High libido, masculine but not necessarily male. They would love theatre like Shakespeare and have wanderlust. They would aspire to know everything they could, never stop learning. They would love foggy weather, as well as the rainy days. They would share my nerdy side, loving Lord of the Rings and Sherlock as much as me. They would understand that I have many emotional issues, including but not limited to PTSD, depression, anxiety, and binge eating. They would understand that sometimes I really just need to be left alone or have things that are just mine and don’t share. They would let me go through everything I need to – like dying/cutting my hair, losing or gaining weight, that sometimes I get jealous and I can’t help it. They wouldn’t mind me spam texting them when I feel like it, that I can over analyze things because of my past. They wouldn’t mind that I can overreact to things, that sometimes I need weeks or months to just cry. Sometimes I can’t sleep. They would understand that I have a really difficult time loving people, that I have a really difficult time trusting something that isn’t fantasy or an animal. They would understand that I am a person who fluctuates in everything: emotions, weight, ideas. I’m constantly changing and don’t like settling. They would understand that I have a very hard time trusting men specifically, that I have a lot of triggers, that when I love I love fully and will commit like nothing else in the entire world because they are mine and they understand me. They would need to be passionate and caring, interesting but not a douche, kind but not delusionally so. They would never leave me. They would be really sexual, enjoy the mystery of large cities and live in one with me. Their last name wouldn’t start with an S because I don’t want my initials to be ASS (which sucks because I have a tendency to attract and be attracted to people with surnames that begin with S). They would be down for adventure at any hour. They wouldn’t let me get stuck in my ruts where I forget what I love..

Most importantly, I want to be attracted to them in the way that I fall in love instantly. The kind that makes me crazy, the kind that I can’t sleep over. Where I yearn to know everything about them and once I know that, I want to learn more.

They would be feminist, an ally or part of the LGBTQ community, they wouldn’t support anything anti-LGBT, they would understand the importance of spreading the knowledge of domestic violence. They would love me as much as I love them and I wouldn’t doubt it. They would like small dogs and cats, enjoy poetry and a cup of tea. They would own professional clothing – as a male they would wear a navy suit, as a woman a pencil skirt and blazer.. They would hold my hand when we were shopping, they would hug me often.. I would never doubt them.

This person makes me believe in love. They make me warm and happy inside.

Life Update: Moving, Gay Stuff, and Whatnot

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I took a leap of faith in moving, and now that I am here, I feel lost. I am home alone most of the time and my days blur together. When my sister is here with me, we do things. In fact we go all out.

I’ve been to Santa Barbara, Go Kart racing, and a Bernie Sanders rally in Santa Maria #bernie2016

That was so amazing, getting to see the man himself just feet away from myself..

But when she isn’t here, I’m left to my thoughts. I can’t go anywhere because I’m broke. I don’t have a job over here, and my funds are running low.. I can’t afford to go to Starbucks everyday like I used to if I don’t have money flow.

So I watch TV, I eat, I go on walks here and there. But I am still alone. I have started Drivers Ed, and intend on having a permit by the end of summer, but right now it doesn’t help my situation.

I miss having a boyfriend’s house to hang out at and someone to chill out with and eat junk food together with.

This next time, I just hope that I choose someone better than the last two.

Oh, that reminds me. I had sex. With a girl. And I also came out to my mom (in a taco bell drive through, on accident). But those are stories for another post.

Anyway.. I moved, and so the people that would have been potential relationships are now not and I don’t even know where I would meet people here. I probably won’t meet anyone for four more years, if I take a gap year, because it sounds like I’ll be doing school online and classes on a college campus.. So dating won’t really happen.

I guess I’ll be lonely for a bit longer.

New Perspective

Beauty, bisexual, Future, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love

I’ve been through major transitions recently, and they have taken a toll on my emotional well being.

As one of my sweet friends once told me, you always have to take the garbage out to keep life running smoothly.

I forgot to take my hypothetical-emotional-garbage out a few weeks in a row and I was having to tip-toe around it.

I have taken a deep breath and found a new perspective, which is necessary for me every few months.

I’m liking this new view.

I finally took out the garbage, purged it over a few days and now it’s finally coming together, I had to drop a few responsibilities, but I’m getting stuff done and slowly gaining momentum again.

Who am I?

Athiest, Journal, Loving Life, Personal, Questioning Sexuality, Smiling

As homework takes me as prisoner and the world grows darker, I try and keep a bright mind. It becomes difficult when everything starts spinning faster.

What makes this time of my life even more confusing is the fact that I’m currently questioning my sexuality. There’s this girl at my school and I either really like her as a friend and it makes me like her as a person. Or I’m obsessed. and I think it’s the latter.

I want it to be the latter…

She has the most beautiful eyes and we can hold intelligent conversations. I find myself staring at her lips, wondering what they would feel like in between mine.

I enjoy her company immensely. Maybe we are just “kindred spirits”, as Anne from Anne of Green Gables would say.

Just maybe…

_____________________

I know I need to hold off on inspiring my emotions for now. I am just getting over Guy #2 and it’s been five months since Guy #1 and I broke up. This could all just be sad, confused feelings.

I broke up with someone and got rejected in a short period of time and now I’m thinking I might be bisexual.

I need time. Time may not solve problems, but it gives me a moment to think about everything that I need to, so I can come to conclusions.

She is beautiful.