Poetry Not-Wednesday

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Frustration, anger, tension;

The anticipation of sweet release,

The abandonment and bitter scent of pain.

I wait in silence until I am free,

then I can be the sweet, the ugly, the fierce – me.

 

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Literally about Headphones

Journal, Uncategorized

Everything has been changing around here, between my emotional needs and my long-lasting fears, I’ve been having to confront a lot of issues.

I just tore apart my room looking for a pair of headphones. They’re just regular, old, iphone issued headphones with a microphone and audio adjustment button that Cadence gave me.

Before now, I never really thought much about how Cadence had given them to me – my appreciation for them stemmed from the fact that I could change the volume of my music at ease and pause it without a lot of effort. But as most things do, that changed. I lost the headphones approximately a week ago and it has been bugging me so much. I have another pair, but they don’t have the mic, and I’ve just never been as attached to them.

I  moved my bed, gone through every bag I’ve used in the last two weeks, cleaned my room, gone through the dirty laundry, looked through my sister’s stuff, and I have found a lot of other things – but not the headphones. The last time I recall having them, I was at a local coffee shop working on my resume.. I remember putting them in my bag, and I possibly used them again that week to watch shows on my computer, but I can’t recall if they had a mic or not.

It would bring me so much peace to just have them again.

Mental Preparation

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I believe that I’m beautiful, that I’m intelligent, I believe that people can like me. I also believe that when I like someone, I drive them away. Zach, Jacob (not dietz, the one with the curly hair from San Francisco) I liked both of them from the moment I laid eyes on them. I didn’t just like them, I was obsessed with something about them. I don’t know what it is, but they both  possess something similar that draws me to them like no one else has. Is that attraction? Is that what Sam and Cadence were missing?

I don’t know how to control myself around people who I’m attracted to.. I always feel so good, I feel like they must feel the same way toward me. But then I realize something, it’s the smallest thing at first, a short message or something they say – I doubt. But I continue, assuming I’m reading into it too much. He’s into me. Obviously. Then they take awhile to respond and I’m eagerly awaiting their replies. Thirty minutes. An hour. Two hours. twenty-three. I send another message just in case they didn’t know  how to continue the conversation. thirty minutes. an hour.. I’m crushed. It’s not as bad as before, but I doubt myself: my personality, the way I dress, how I communicate, my body, the way I take selfies, was I too ambitious..? What did I do this time to push away the ones I’m attracted to?

I’m mentally preparing myself for tomorrow morning when I wake up and there’s still no text. No snapchat. There will be nothing except the possible snapchat from Leslie or Justin or Katie. A facebook memory. No Ribbon in bed next to me. No Kendra in the top bunk. I’ll be alone. Sam will be there, but we don’t communicate well when one of us is distressed.

I really thought Jacob was into me. We got along, he asked questions, he loved my eyes. What changed? I pushed too hard, was too possessive, I must have been overbearing, sent too many texts before he replied. I must have been too eager, had too much passion, or maybe I overshared, maybe I was too real and talked about things that hurt too much. He didn’t open up to me like I did to him. Did I not ask enough questions about him? Am I too annoying? I must be too annoying.

I talk too much. I’m too selfish.

He isn’t responding. He must not be interested in me. I must not be interesting.

Life Update: Soul Sucking Life

Blame, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, fuck you, Future, Jealousy, Journal, Memories, Personal, school, Uncategorized

It’s really unfair, we live in a world where people don’t get invited to parties, where old friends forget you, and other people have it a whole lot better.

I figure I must come off as such an angry and jealous person, which I am.. But I see my friends and cousins, acquaintances too, who have parents that are still together, who have lawyers for fathers and BMW’s.. They have their own rooms, and more rooms in their houses than people living in them..

I’ve had that lifestyle before, which is one of the reasons it makes me so angry. I’ve had that. I’ve been able to live and not worry about the household income, where I didn’t have to think twice about every item in our shopping cart because of the price and worrying if we’ll have enough until the next paycheck.

I systematically turn off lights and other electricity-eating things because no one else bothers to and I’m worried that one month we won’t have enough money to pay everything.

Then there are those months where unexpected fees and bills pop up, and this time I’m really worried we won’t have enough for the month. We got an unexpected fee for $750 attached to our rent, which amounted to $2,000 when it was all said and done.

It must be nice to not worry about those things.. It must be nice to live in a loving family. To not have an assload of mental illnesses. To not worry about bills or prices.. To be able to hang out with friends and seamlessly enjoy time with other people.

My mom is quitting her job.. She can’t support all of us, even with a manager’s salary, and they just added a new person to her showroom floor, which means that she’ll be getting paid less. There’s this job that will be more stable, she’ll get a steady $30,000 a year.

On top of all this, I see my friends from my hometown posting pictures of their summer parties and I’m 141 miles away, my life not any better than when I was there. I’m not even doing drivers ed because it’s too expensive.

I feel like I’m asking the world of the people in my life if I ask for even the smallest thing, but I keep their secrets and I cry myself to sleep. I try to keep to myself so I don’t burden them. But now Riley is considering backpacking through Europe with her boyfriend indefinitely and then I’ll be the oldest kid in the house and I won’t have her as my support or as a friend anymore and she is literally my only friend over here. Then I think about the next two years for me.. I’ll be home schooled..  No opportunities to make friends.. I’m going to spend my last years as an adolescent cooped up in a small condo with a toddler unless I make a change.

Sabotage

Blame, forgotten, fuck you, Future, Hope, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust, Personal, Uncategorized

I’ve always wanted to love someone and to be loved back – in first grade, I wondered what it would be like to kiss Max’s lips. In third grade, I started to see some issues with love surface that I’m still dealing with. Tristan was an ugly boy, he was a dumb boy, he was even poor.. But he was funny, and I liked him. Of course, I didn’t know I liked him. He made me so angry. I would have told you I hated him if you had asked. One time, I did this really stupid thing because he was making me so angry.. I wrote an insult on his table with my pencil.. I meant to erase it after he saw it, but I forgot and later both Tristan and I got pulled out of class to see the teacher because of it.

The point is, when there are feelings between a person and I, my gut reaction is
to be repulsed. To ruin it. To run and hide because.. no.

I wish I could understand this, because I desperately want to be in love and in a happy, functioning relationship where both parties are pleased with what’s happening and where it is going. But often times, I get in the way of that.. I sabotage it. There’s this gut instinct to ruin anything happy I might’ve had..

I mean, there is always the argument that I’ve possibly never been in a relationship that I was happy with. Never been with someone I could see myself with long term.. Maybe I just haven’t been in a relationship with someone I would want to be in a relationship with..

I’m just scared that the latter is not the case.. That I have been with someone where things could have worked out and I ruined it with my instinctual need to fuck up relationships..

Now, I am lucky that I have realized this because so far, I’ve only been in relationships that were not serious. They were high school, silly, makeout relationships. If they had been serious, long term ones.. Things would be more concerning.

 

Monopoly

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I’m poor. My family is poor. I only have savings that I set aside myself, my mom can’t pay for my college, and after a game of monopoly I’ve started seeing the world a completely different way. Three people can start the game with the same amount of money – they can all make thoughtful moves, but two can end up bankrupt while the third person is swimming in cash and has hotels on all their lands.

I lost faith in my future.. Where once I had thought that I could go out and make a name for myself, I’m wondering if those dreams are possible for anyone. Let alone me.. My mom works full time, and she’s the best at her job.. But she isn’t making enough to rent a two bedroom condo, when she needs a house to fit her family of five (who have regular visitors, so we might as well say 6+). My mom is considering looking for another job, which is nearly impossible since she’s working full time already. But it is how it is, and we aren’t making enough to support all of us. Bryan really needs a job, and fast. Fuck.. I even need to get a job, just so that I can be a social person and do things.

What am I supposed to do when I graduate high school? College doesn’t guarantee a job, and racking up student debt is a terrible idea if I can’t make enough money to pay it off. I like to think that I am doing everything I can to educate myself on what my future entails as an adult. I’m going to learn how to do my taxes, vote, drive, and do the things I need to be a good citizen.. But how can I be expected to do all these things? How can I be expected to get a job that allows me to pay for rent, utilities, taxes, groceries, gas, and all the debt I’m going to have from buying a car and going to college? How am I going to maintain a full time job alongside going to college?

I’m not a magician, I can’t pull money out of thin air or juggle all those expenses while trying to make something of myself..

All of a sudden, all of my big dreams and fanciful ideas feel naive and unobtainable. I will likely never be a CEO of some major business in New York, New York. I will probably never own a luxurious apartment in the Upper East Side or even a Birkin for that matter.. I’ll probably end up back in The Valley and doing some sad and uninspiring job that sucks the life out of me, just to make ends meet. I’ll end up going to community college and at a minimum wage job with kids and a husband I don’t love. I won’t be going to Yale or Harvard, I won’t travel the world in luxury, and I won’t even own a Steinway.

I see where I stand in the world. I understand my place.. There is little chance that I will ever succeed beyond a manager at some department store

Brave

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SLHARPERPOETRY

towering pine

Some things leave no room for misunderstanding,
like your climbs to the tops of towering pines,
and your belief that you can never cry.

At age five, you dream of a woman
with wings like a bat dressed all in black.
She swoops down, grabs you, pins you in her lap,
and while hitting you over and over, she’s whispering
that it will end when you stop struggling;
so you pretend to relax until her grip loosens
and then you fight to escape, but each time
her strength overwhelms you. It takes
several beatings before you realize
she is trying to help you, she is teaching you
how to be brave—
how to be so still
that you can let yourself have no feeling
when the scratchy hands are pressing into you,
like the night lets itself be swallowed by darkness.

An eight-year-old now, you’re standing
outside their locked bedroom door…

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Deep Wounds From Cupid.

dads, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, forgotten, fuck you, Future, Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust, Personal, Uncategorized

This is a letter to myself – where I am pure me. Where I get personal, real, and talk about things that I would never consider telling the truth about.

978 people on OkCupid liked my profile – I’m almost to 1,000 and I’m already one of the hottest people on the app. They sent me this email and IDK, maybe they send it to people who have gotten a certain number of messages, but they said I was one of their “hottest” users and that since I got to that point, they would only show me to people who were equally as hot.

I average forty messages a day from new people, I’ve had a ton of guys confess their feelings to me in person.. So why do I have this voice in the back of my head telling me I’m ugly, worthless, and useless?

I’ve had Dustyn, Eli, Caleb, Ruben, Samuel, Michael, Matt, Garrett, Sam, Cadence and so many other people confess their feelings for me. Why is it that I think no one likes me?

I mean, if we’re gonna get super deep, maybe it’s because of my dad. He used to tell me things like that over and over again, he had me so well trained, I would do it to myself at night “I’m worthless, I’m worthless, I’m worthless.” I would say it over and over again to myself before bed, I needed to make myself think it, because if my dad believed it, well.. It had to be true. I had to be worthless, lazy, and scared to work because dad said so.

Is that what this is all about? Is my insecurity my fault, my father’s, or no one’s? Am I broken and feel like I can’t be loved because my home growing up was broken and had no love? Is that what’s going on? Is this why I feel it’s so important to be independent? Because I can’t stand to let myself have another person waltz into my life and abuse me until I’m so fucked up that I can’t love someone, then drop me like a glass dish on concrete to go fuck an old horse lady?

Also, I’m angry-jealous at my little sister because she’s spent more time with my dad than I ever have. He spends time with her and does things like go to the zoo with her… I’ve NEVER been to the zoo with my dad. Why does he care about her but not me? Did he not care about me the same way he cares about Kendra? Am I just unloveable?

I guess all the reasons above are the underlying issues about my insecurities. Why I have a hard time letting myself care about another person deeply. Why I haven’t cared about someone thinking it would be long term… ever.

Every time I like someone, I like to set an expiration date. With Sam, it was the end of the school year before I went to Ashland, Oregon. With Cadence, it was when I moved. I knew I needed to cut things off before they got too serious. I knew I couldn’t let them stay with me for a long time.. When our future would come up in conversation, I would laugh it off or change the subject. The idea of a future terrified me. I don’t want to stay with one person, I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to anyone like that again. Being vulnerable to my father got me the deepest wound I’ve got. PTSD, anxiety attacks, and insecurities.

Zatoichi

fuck you, Her, Jealousy, Journal, Love, no trust, Personal, Uncategorized

Why do I let this get to me? I mean.. It makes me angry – it makes me jealous. I’m mad.

Why am I mad?? It’s like being a little kid on the playground and someone just took my toy, but just multiply that by one hundred and make the situation about two guys and another girl and how everyone has always compared us.

I don’t hate her – she’s been my friend for six years. I like her. But the fact that people have made her my competition angers me. I love her, I love who she is.

I know that but Cadence had a thing for her and so did this other guy I know, so did stephen, so did a million other guys. She is an awesome person, so how can I be angry about this? Because any chance of Cadence liking her now totally angers me?

Because it does.

He likes her posts now. He talks to other girls. Why does that upset me if I don’t like him? I don’t want my exes to date people, I do the same thing to Sam, my other ex. I sometimes feel like I could still like him.. But he was too hurt by me and won’t talk to me for longer than a few hours.

I talked to Sam today.. He gives me this sort of comfort – maybe it’s because when we were together, I gave him all of my love and attention. I also really cared for him in a way I could care for a first boyfriend.

I still feel connected to him and I found out that one of the major reasons I broke up with him wasn’t even real.. I thought he was conservative/right wing, but apparently he’s a fucking liberal. HOW didn’t I know that? We dated for seven months.

I guess we never discussed politics. Or anything remotely important or opinion based.

But still….