This is a letter to myself – where I am pure me. Where I get personal, real, and talk about things that I would never consider telling the truth about.
978 people on OkCupid liked my profile – I’m almost to 1,000 and I’m already one of the hottest people on the app. They sent me this email and IDK, maybe they send it to people who have gotten a certain number of messages, but they said I was one of their “hottest” users and that since I got to that point, they would only show me to people who were equally as hot.
I average forty messages a day from new people, I’ve had a ton of guys confess their feelings to me in person.. So why do I have this voice in the back of my head telling me I’m ugly, worthless, and useless?
I’ve had Dustyn, Eli, Caleb, Ruben, Samuel, Michael, Matt, Garrett, Sam, Cadence and so many other people confess their feelings for me. Why is it that I think no one likes me?
I mean, if we’re gonna get super deep, maybe it’s because of my dad. He used to tell me things like that over and over again, he had me so well trained, I would do it to myself at night “I’m worthless, I’m worthless, I’m worthless.” I would say it over and over again to myself before bed, I needed to make myself think it, because if my dad believed it, well.. It had to be true. I had to be worthless, lazy, and scared to work because dad said so.
Is that what this is all about? Is my insecurity my fault, my father’s, or no one’s? Am I broken and feel like I can’t be loved because my home growing up was broken and had no love? Is that what’s going on? Is this why I feel it’s so important to be independent? Because I can’t stand to let myself have another person waltz into my life and abuse me until I’m so fucked up that I can’t love someone, then drop me like a glass dish on concrete to go fuck an old horse lady?
Also, I’m angry-jealous at my little sister because she’s spent more time with my dad than I ever have. He spends time with her and does things like go to the zoo with her… I’ve NEVER been to the zoo with my dad. Why does he care about her but not me? Did he not care about me the same way he cares about Kendra? Am I just unloveable?
I guess all the reasons above are the underlying issues about my insecurities. Why I have a hard time letting myself care about another person deeply. Why I haven’t cared about someone thinking it would be long term… ever.
Every time I like someone, I like to set an expiration date. With Sam, it was the end of the school year before I went to Ashland, Oregon. With Cadence, it was when I moved. I knew I needed to cut things off before they got too serious. I knew I couldn’t let them stay with me for a long time.. When our future would come up in conversation, I would laugh it off or change the subject. The idea of a future terrified me. I don’t want to stay with one person, I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to anyone like that again. Being vulnerable to my father got me the deepest wound I’ve got. PTSD, anxiety attacks, and insecurities.