Men Can Be Awful

Failure, fuck you, Journal, New, no trust, Partner, Personal, Questioning Sexuality, Relationships, Sexuality

There has been so much going on in my life – from guys to my sister moving back in to my grandpa passing away, and it’s all stressing me out a bunch.

My relationships with dudes have been less than great recently, first there was Charley – the dude I met online and seriously regret seeing because I had sex with him and like tbh I shouldn’t have and none of it felt right. Like, I should have known that anyone willing to drive from three states away to see me when they’d only known me for less than 100 days was gonna be sketchy. Like, I’m sorry Charley, but I’m also not because I was very uncomfortable and you did push me into things faster than I was ready and I’m sorry that you’re insecure and can’t handle me criticizing you at all.

After Charley, there was Kylan – we were just gonna be friends with benefits, but we hung out twice and I changed my mind post VCF-insertion and when my naked body was underneath his naked body and he was aggressively holding me down and forcefully giving me TOO MUCH tongue.

Then there was this weird run-in with Talon when I messaged him and was like “missing you” and he was like “Missing you too, but I have a girlfriend that I’m only dating cause I’m not over Felicia” and I was like “Talk to me when you are single” and he was like “I will” and we left it off like that and went to bed, but the next night he sent “Lol jk that’s never gonna happen” and I was like “LOL I’m happy you said that cause I was drunk last night”, but like I wasn’t drunk and totally did miss him.

Then The nEXT DAY – Mr. San Francisco JACOB fucking messaged me after ghosting me for a goddamn year. Like, this son of a bitch just hits me up outta the blue, responding to the last question I sent him this time last year, and like I was being super cautious and saying shit like “Um yeah well I’m not gonna send you nudes because self respect and also you ditched  me for an entire year and how will I know you won’t do that again?” and he was like “I’ve Changed”

news flash.
HE HADN’T CHANGED.

tHAT son of a bitch hasn’t spoken to me, responded to my last message or snapchat in two whole days.

I’m not gonna be all desperate like last time because I have far more self-respect. But, fuck him. Also, he is now Vegas Jacob, because he moved.

I am seriously considering if I’m bisexual or just lesbian – at least girls don’t fuck you over, I’ve never been fucked over by a girl, it’s why I don’t write about them on here.

And like my grandpa passed away last week. Tomorrow is his funeral. I don’t know how to respond to this yet.

Dirty Dishes and Climaxing

Family, Future, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust, Personal, sex, Sexuality, Uncategorized

To say that I am confused or that I don’t understand the things that have happened to me would be an understatement. I believe that under all the stress and mental illnesses that have crept in and hijacked my mind, I am still happy somewhere in there. To find that happiness again will be a major task, and I’m willing to take it on.

If I could have one wish granted, it would be for clarity and understanding of the problems I have at hand.

I have felt overweight and cumbersome this last week. When I imagine myself walking down the stairs, I feel like an overweight walrus and I can feel the fat on my thighs jiggling. I can’t wear anything but loose clothing because my stomach looks enormous and this all started when my mom mentioned that she saw me binge eating.. I hadn’t done that in a long time, but I did that once and ever since I have felt like my entire body is made out of lard.

My sister stormed out of the house today and drove two hours to stay with her boyfriend, and none of us are sure if she’s moving out or if this is temporary. My mom was in tears all night, she cried on my shoulder… Someone else’s wet tears on my bare skin is an uncomfortable feeling.

I’ve been through so much, what I’ve learned is that I do not like being alone. I cry when I’m alone. I hate myself when I am alone. I get angry about the mistakes I’ve made and scream when I’m alone. I yearn for companionship and to be loved when I am alone. If I had an instruction manual, it would say that I require partnership 24/7 and to be intensely cared for without me realizing it – once I am aware that someone loves me, I stop loving them. I detached myself and become emotionless toward them.

When I love someone and find out they love me too, it’s like maintaining masturbation when people are awake. You know you’ll have a hard time climaxing just because your little sister is screaming and your mom is yelling about how no one does the dishes – and any chance you had of continuing with pleasure goes down the drain because dirty dishes and climaxing are not compatible.

That’s what happens when someone loves me. I can’t maintain my feelings. They go away without any chance of revival, unless scenarios change.

Fake Faced Cunt

anti feminism, Athiesm, Athiest, Awareness, beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, equality, feminism, fuck you, Her, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, Personal, school, Sexuality, Uncategorized

So I might have mentioned that I was going on a school trip to San Francisco, and if I didn’t, well.. My bad.

But I went. It was my second time there and it was really fun.

But The Little Cunt-Faced Bitch also was there. She and I had a few tense moments. I really do not like her, and I’ve tried to sort out why that is.. The best conclusion that I have made is explained best in this message I sent to Cadence about her.

“I’m not trying to convince you that you shouldn’t like her, but I am trying to help you understand why I don’t. She seems fake to me. I find her repulsive because she seems very shallow and like a people pleaser – which is annoying because I don’t dance around the truth, I don’t hide from what I know is true or what I witness. When I see signs that someone isn’t healthy for me, I get out. And I warned her about Caleb – how he gave me bad vibes – and she continued to date him until it bit her in the ass and even then, she made it sound so negative that I didn’t like him. Like, GIRL. I was trying to help you because I could tell he was an ass wipe. But nooooo – then I was just a bitchy girl sticking my nose in her business. When in reality, I was just being the independent and open person that I am and voicing my opinions because I don’t DANCE AROUND WHAT I SEE. Also, she uses guys to get confidence – for instance you, Thierry, Toby, and random dudes who she meets on the street (which I witnessed at least twice on our trip). I find that trait frustrating because its dependency. I fucking hate dependent people. So yeah. Those are some reasons why I don’t like her. She seems fake and she uses people.”

Copy and pasted, exactly as I sent to him.

So yeah, she got a septum ring, which I’m the only person at my school who wears one, and it’s a big deal that I did. So I felt like it was really fake of her to wear one when she doesn’t understand the meaning behind why people do. The image it creates, it’s not supposed to loosely mean powerful or anything like that… It’s feminism for some, it’s empowerment, it’s being LGBTQ or an ally…. I felt like she was degrading and making the septum ring worthless and stripping it of it’s meaning by wearing one.

She’s a straight, white, christian girl who lives in a home that’s VERY well off… I mean, they take trips all the time and get new clothes, her parents are together. She has an allowance. She has it a whole fucking lot easier than most people. That’s why I scoffed at her, called her fake (and also a bitch..) to her fake ass face.

She doesn’t get it, I resent her. I hate her.

If anyone reading this would like to give their two cents, offer a possible explanation of why I feel the way I do about her, that’d be nice.

Life Update: Moving, Gay Stuff, and Whatnot

bernie, bernie2016, bisexual, Family, forgotten, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Personal, sex, Sexuality, Small Things, Uncategorized

I took a leap of faith in moving, and now that I am here, I feel lost. I am home alone most of the time and my days blur together. When my sister is here with me, we do things. In fact we go all out.

I’ve been to Santa Barbara, Go Kart racing, and a Bernie Sanders rally in Santa Maria #bernie2016

That was so amazing, getting to see the man himself just feet away from myself..

But when she isn’t here, I’m left to my thoughts. I can’t go anywhere because I’m broke. I don’t have a job over here, and my funds are running low.. I can’t afford to go to Starbucks everyday like I used to if I don’t have money flow.

So I watch TV, I eat, I go on walks here and there. But I am still alone. I have started Drivers Ed, and intend on having a permit by the end of summer, but right now it doesn’t help my situation.

I miss having a boyfriend’s house to hang out at and someone to chill out with and eat junk food together with.

This next time, I just hope that I choose someone better than the last two.

Oh, that reminds me. I had sex. With a girl. And I also came out to my mom (in a taco bell drive through, on accident). But those are stories for another post.

Anyway.. I moved, and so the people that would have been potential relationships are now not and I don’t even know where I would meet people here. I probably won’t meet anyone for four more years, if I take a gap year, because it sounds like I’ll be doing school online and classes on a college campus.. So dating won’t really happen.

I guess I’ll be lonely for a bit longer.

Ouch ~

bisexual, fuck you, Her, Humanist, Journal, Love, Personal, Sexuality

Things that aren’t nice:

  • Telling someone you have feelings for them, then being rejected by that person.
  • Being friends with them
  • Seeing their posts “I need a significant other”

well, that fucked up my night.
Tears don’t stop after this point, do they?

I mean, I’ve been trying to be there. To be her friend… But friendship shouldn’t hurt this much 

Yeah, I like her still. 

Yeah, I listen to her playlists more than my own.

Maybe I know her better than I know myself, and that hurts because she doesn’t even care to know me like I know her.

She wouldn’t care if I told her I didn’t like bananas, would she? Yet I have it logged in my memory that she doesn’t. 

She probably doesn’t realize that even though everyone else called me cute today, I know she didn’t and that’s what stuck.

She doesn’t feel the same way, and in theory I can handle that. I can deal. 

But it’s harder than it sounds…

She enlightens me….

Yet, she snapped earlier and I wish I could have done something to make it all better.

But I’ll get up tomorrow and text her, I’ll ask her at the end of the day how she feels, I’ll see if I can make her problems disappear… 

This is the agonizing pain of liking a friend.

Grey Hues

Journal, Loving Life, Sexuality, Smiling

Most of today I’ve been in a state of a million nerves being plucked. I didn’t know what was wrong until after I fixed it, unknowingly in the moment, because I did it in on a whim.

I’ve trusted my sister for a long time, and now I know that trust was not misplaced.

I came out to her as bisexual, and she didn’t make a big deal about it, which was what I needed.

I’ve only told four people now, three friends and my sister.

I needed her to know, she’s important to me. I needed her support, even if she doesn’t vocalize it.

All of a sudden, as I sit in a starbucks (as per usual), I feel as though things are right, and they didn’t before I told her.

I have a venti black coffee and it’s in a fall cup.

It’s chilly outside.

Things are right.


 The skies grey hue,

Gently comforting the day in new.

I hopefully play my cards,

wondering when I’ll tell you.

Her.

Questioning Sexuality, Sexuality

Maybe I’m just confused, I’ve been through a lot recently. 

Is it possible that I have serious issues?

I think I’m bisexual now, but thinking about telling anyone I know closely terrifies me after what happened.

I came out to my friend, she is very open and loving, someone I trust. The only problem between her and I is that she believes there is a god and that being gay is wrong because he says so.

Which, is an oddly conformed belief if you knew her.

So when she told me that what I was feeling was just the confusion of my “Bisexual” friends, I started worrying that was really the case, but the more I tried stopping those feelings, it was like tampering with breaking floodgates. 

All hell broke loose and I think I am obsessed with that girl now.

I’ve been having “lesbian thoughts” for awhile now, nearly a year, but tried to pass it off as nothing. Because, everyone fantasizes about kissing someone of the same gender.. right?

I also came out to my ex-boyfriend, but instead of talking to me about it, he asked if it was because of him… Then he proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t really bisexual and this would pass.
It all started when I got into my first relationship. When he and I would kiss, sometimes I’d close my eyes and imagine he was a girl. A specific girl. I also had quite a few sexual dreams about this girl I currently have feelings for (I think?). When that happened, I shook my head and passed it off as nothing.

It was just a dream. 

maybe five.

I just found her interesting and enthralling.

I wasn’t bisexual, of course. I just was picking up on her confused sexuality.

right?

Right..?

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME I’M RIGHT HERE.

This scares me, I couldn’t just tell my family about this. I want to talk to someone about it, but the only person I’d feel comfortable talking to it about would be her and knowing me, I would use the oppurtunity to profess my feelings.

and she would probably be creeped out by that.

Can anyone help..? Or am I a bundle of shit-ridden emotions?

 

Little Smiles

Family, Loving Life, Questioning Sexuality, Sexuality, Small Things, Smiling

Today could have been a really awful day for me, but I have a new approach to looking at my life.

I have problems with my dirty room, or the fact that I have procrastination issues. But, I’ve decided that if I’m going to procrastinate, which I will, then I should at least enjoy it. So no guilt, but knowing I will still get done what I need to.

I have been questioning my sexuality recently, something I didn’t think I would ever do. But, liking someone can change that. She is interesting, and we have the best conversations, which maybe she and I are just really good friends, but maybe we are more. Something between us just connects and I love that. Though, I doubt she is interested in me (she is bisexual though). Because that seems to just be my luck with people I have feelings with 🙂

But I enjoy her company and opinions on things, we have a lot in common. People in our town wouldn’t support it, in fact, my family wouldn’t agree with it. My mom would, but no one else in my family. (Except my uncle who moved away when he came out. No one talks to him anymore.)

So, unless these feelings get out of hand, she and I will remain friends.

I have a feeling that this will pass though.

______________________

Sometimes I am content, like right now. I have a Salted Caramel Mocha, and it’s venti. I really enjoy this autumn weather too. I splurged today and bought new makeup and brushes, as well as new Eos. The little things that bring me happiness, and sure, maybe it’s momentary happiness, but what else is life for? Why do we live if not for the small moments that bring small smiles to our faces? I think those smiles are the most important because everyone has the big smiles, but having little things in your life that make you smile involuntarily many times a day are what make us all special, because everyone smiles at birthday parties and weddings, but not everyone smiles at new chapstick or a new makeup brush. It’s what makes us unique and wonderful as people.

I love having days when everything makes me have those little smiles. It makes life worth living and trudging through.

I hope you, Reader, are having a wonderful day too. I hope you have someone in your life that you can take a moment to appreciate and love through their imperfections because you are eachother’s to love. I hope you can take a moment to appreciate your mother, and if you have them, siblings. Love them. Not just because they are family, but because they have dealt with you through your faults and that makes them very special. I’m not going to tell you to love your fathers, because I would feel hypocritical because I do not love my own. So, if you love your father, that is amazing and great. I hope you have a good relationship with your dad. But, love everyone just a little. That’s what I’d like to say to each reader who somehow finds this post.