Dirty Dishes and Climaxing

Family, Future, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust, Personal, sex, Sexuality, Uncategorized

To say that I am confused or that I don’t understand the things that have happened to me would be an understatement. I believe that under all the stress and mental illnesses that have crept in and hijacked my mind, I am still happy somewhere in there. To find that happiness again will be a major task, and I’m willing to take it on.

If I could have one wish granted, it would be for clarity and understanding of the problems I have at hand.

I have felt overweight and cumbersome this last week. When I imagine myself walking down the stairs, I feel like an overweight walrus and I can feel the fat on my thighs jiggling. I can’t wear anything but loose clothing because my stomach looks enormous and this all started when my mom mentioned that she saw me binge eating.. I hadn’t done that in a long time, but I did that once and ever since I have felt like my entire body is made out of lard.

My sister stormed out of the house today and drove two hours to stay with her boyfriend, and none of us are sure if she’s moving out or if this is temporary. My mom was in tears all night, she cried on my shoulder… Someone else’s wet tears on my bare skin is an uncomfortable feeling.

I’ve been through so much, what I’ve learned is that I do not like being alone. I cry when I’m alone. I hate myself when I am alone. I get angry about the mistakes I’ve made and scream when I’m alone. I yearn for companionship and to be loved when I am alone. If I had an instruction manual, it would say that I require partnership 24/7 and to be intensely cared for without me realizing it – once I am aware that someone loves me, I stop loving them. I detached myself and become emotionless toward them.

When I love someone and find out they love me too, it’s like maintaining masturbation when people are awake. You know you’ll have a hard time climaxing just because your little sister is screaming and your mom is yelling about how no one does the dishes – and any chance you had of continuing with pleasure goes down the drain because dirty dishes and climaxing are not compatible.

That’s what happens when someone loves me. I can’t maintain my feelings. They go away without any chance of revival, unless scenarios change.

Life Update: Moving, Gay Stuff, and Whatnot

bernie, bernie2016, bisexual, Family, forgotten, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Personal, sex, Sexuality, Small Things, Uncategorized

I took a leap of faith in moving, and now that I am here, I feel lost. I am home alone most of the time and my days blur together. When my sister is here with me, we do things. In fact we go all out.

I’ve been to Santa Barbara, Go Kart racing, and a Bernie Sanders rally in Santa Maria #bernie2016

That was so amazing, getting to see the man himself just feet away from myself..

But when she isn’t here, I’m left to my thoughts. I can’t go anywhere because I’m broke. I don’t have a job over here, and my funds are running low.. I can’t afford to go to Starbucks everyday like I used to if I don’t have money flow.

So I watch TV, I eat, I go on walks here and there. But I am still alone. I have started Drivers Ed, and intend on having a permit by the end of summer, but right now it doesn’t help my situation.

I miss having a boyfriend’s house to hang out at and someone to chill out with and eat junk food together with.

This next time, I just hope that I choose someone better than the last two.

Oh, that reminds me. I had sex. With a girl. And I also came out to my mom (in a taco bell drive through, on accident). But those are stories for another post.

Anyway.. I moved, and so the people that would have been potential relationships are now not and I don’t even know where I would meet people here. I probably won’t meet anyone for four more years, if I take a gap year, because it sounds like I’ll be doing school online and classes on a college campus.. So dating won’t really happen.

I guess I’ll be lonely for a bit longer.