I am a mess right now.
My mental health is the equivalent of scrambled eggs. Last night I hooked up with an ex-boyfriend. This morning, I am moving back to a small town and moving back in with my mom. I haven’t lived with my mom since I was seventeen. It’s been two years.
Which brings me to my next point, I feel empty. Unsure of myself, just like I did when I first moved to San Francisco.
I am nineteen, recently dropped out of university, suicidal, and moving back in with my mom. Adulthood is off to a great start.
Aside from feeling alone and like I have already failed – I’m also completely unsure of what I want to do.
I know what is expected of me, I know that I have created these expectations, and I know what I have proven I can do.
I don’t know my purpose yet,
I don’t know what I should actually be doing.
My focus was money when I moved to San Francisco. It was to obtain the quintessential idea of success.
My focus moving back home is to work on myself, and from the outside, everyone will be saying that I failed and gave up-
Which is completely true.
I gave up.
But not because it was hard or because I was incapable of doing it. I know that if I stayed in San Francisco and continued studying at State, I would definitely get a degree. Hell, I passed every single course I took my first semester- while working full time and having a serious relationship.
I did give up, but not on myself. I gave up on the fragile construct that a college degree and money would make me satisfied with who I am and what I have done with my life.
I value personal growth. I value kindness. I value hard work and honesty. I value people who are in touch with themselves.
I want to be proud of who I am and what I am doing.
It’s taking humility to move in with my mom. To accept help.
I have not been okay. But instead of pushing all of this down deeper inside of me, instead of pushing through at a job I hated and doing another semester of university feeling dread and emptiness, I am going to accept that I do not like how I have been living and I am going to accept that I have made mistakes. I am going to accept that I have been cold, callous, angry, and I am going to work on myself.
I am going to accept that I am moving back in with my mom, and instead of seeing this as some major setback in my life, view it as an opportunity to slow down and make some major changes in myself for the betterment of the rest of my life.