Regrets

Journal, Memories, Personal, Poetry, school

I tell people not to regret, yet I do.

All of the fucking time, I regret everything.

I regret liking the people that I have, I regret telling people things, I regret moving to the coast, I regret leaving behind my friends.

I regret opening up about things to people who don’t deserve to hear it,
I regret not standing up for those who deserve it.
I regret oversharing.
I regret confessing my feelings to any and every person I have.
I regret leaving my dad, sometimes.
I regret cheating on my homework.
I regret calling out Kayleigh and Cadence for shit.
I regret having flings with guys who don’t matter.
I regret not loving myself more,
I regret being self-confident.
I regret bringing my sheet music up for show and tell in second grade,
I regret blaming Ciera for stealing my sea shells,
I regret being so fucking awkward.

Why can’t I just be normal? Just once.
Why can’t I fit in, just once?
I want to be loved, even just once.
I want to be cared about.
To be hugged, and feel wanted.

I don’t want to doubt.
Or second guess even once.

Is it so much to ask to be loved?

I just want to stand in the big grass field at ERCLC and watch Eric with his RC Airplane class, crashing their planes. I want to listen to the little kids make up ridiculous but genius stories. I want to see the moms who have their lives together, who buy stuff from the bakesales.

I want to organize events like I used to, be in productions with Peggy and Makena and Leslie and Fiona and even Cadence and Abiel. I miss everyone so much.

I miss being able express myself without sounding like some sort of freak – being able to wear my quirky knee-high socks and bright yellow shirts. I miss taking Archery with Eric and getting into Quarrels with Bobbi over stupid Neon Dance drama. I miss game nights, and going out that one time with the schools telescope to watch stars with the Astronomy club. I miss walking into Eric’s office and seeing a picture of me in there from Eli’s mental health photo shoot.

I miss the masquerade dance.

I miss Heather’s Journal class.

I miss despising Abiel for always bragging about her Travels.

I miss Theirry’s exuberant acting

And Katie as Mrs.Dowdle.

I miss the days when I would longingly gaze at Dustyn while he was in PE with Brian.

When I would wait until monday nights when I could go to Youth Group and see him.

I would always chew gum.

I would wear low cut shirts before I had boobs.

I miss sitting in the library with Riley and Lacey because we didn’t have a class that period, when Orion went to school with us.

Choir.

Orion’s broken perfume bottle.

Tiger. Debates in 1930’s.

Trying on dresses for the play in Peggy’s office, or Brian’s, or Eric’s, or Bobbi’s, or Yasoda’s.

I miss ERCLC. It’s my home.

I miss the bright yellow sunflowers that would bloom this time of year, and the pumpkins that would grow outside the library windows – the way Anonda would always smile at me, how I could climb the tree in front of Sage.

I miss going to Halloween parties in Three Rivers, eating Peggy’s chilli and watching the little kids sort and trade their sweets.

I miss house sitting for the Entz, how I slept in Zacks room.

I miss the valley.

I miss Elderwood.

I even miss living with Nana and Gramps.

It’s okay to regret, I guess. It’s okay to miss people, things, and the past.
I definitely do..

 

Advertisements

Breaking up

Hope, Journal, Love, Memories, Partner, Personal, school, Small Things

I hadn’t noticed, but you stopped saying you loved me four days ago.
I wasn’t paying attention, but you didn’t come to the door when you picked me up today.
It didn’t mean anything earlier, but you didn’t talk to me on the way to your house.

When you dropped me off, you told me not to message you.

You don’t love me anymore, do you?
I guess it’s time to unfriend your mom.

Time to get rid of the gifts you gave me.
Time to prepare for the awkwardness when we see each other in class.
Time to change your name from “Babe” to “That ex” in my contacts.
Time to walk alone at night from school when no one else can drive me.

Time for the fuck boys, the dating accounts, the being a bad ass bitch.
Time for the flirting with guys and ending my nights with binge eating and tears.

Today, we broke up. I started writing this post three days ago, and decided not to post it because I thought we could make things work.

But tonight, as I sat in your car and asked questions about why you had stayed with me and why you wanted to break up with me before, how you felt together.. And I couldn’t convince myself that it would work anymore.

I heard you say you were unhappy.
I heard you say we weren’t compatible.
I heard you say these and I couldn’t say a word.

So I broke up with you.
I got out of your car, and I walked home.
I walked past the place we had our first kiss – where I leaned on your shoulder and felt safe for the first time in months.
I got on the street where I live, and took off my shoes and ran – sobbing.
I saw where you would always park.

When I walked inside my house, my mom asked me what happened..

I texted my friends

I gathered all the stuff you gave me.

I archived our messages, but couldn’t convince myself to delete all the pictures of us on my phone. I’m not ready for that.

I showered.

And now here I am, sitting alone in my house sobbing because I realized how shitty our last kiss was. How I didn’t even say bye to your mom the last time I saw her. How I would have hugged your dogs one last time – but I didn’t think that it was the end, so how would I have known to?

I don’t know what to do. I feel really alone and I miss you, but I know that in a few days, or even weeks, I might stop realizing the things I mentioned. And slowly, I’ll stop thinking about you altogether. I’ll forget about our shitty last kiss, and about the fact that you couldn’t get me to orgasm the last time you tried – I’ll forget about all the things I did for you that I hated (blow jobs, namely).

But I am glad that we ended things before it got too serious. I couldn’t have been a military/army wife. I didn’t want to have kids. The fact that you went to church with your dad annoyed me, and honestly – we just had a lot of things we disagreed on.

It wasn’t until I realized that you couldn’t or were unwilling to make the same sacrifices as I was, that I knew we weren’t going to work. I thought you were okay with how liberal/needy I am, but I guess not.

I’ll miss getting lunch with you. I’ll miss meeting you in between classes. But we are over now, and I’ll just have to get over that.

Poetry

beautiful, Beauty, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Memories, Nature, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Poetry, school, Small Things, Smiling

Sweet voices, little voices

they wander in the garden.

Saying words that mean so little –

Saying words that mean so much.

Their words traverse through the garden,

they wander aimlessly.

The little voices have little feet

that will carry their bodies far.

I left

Babies, beautiful, bisexual, Family, forgotten, Future, Hope, Journal, Love, Memories, Peace, Personal, school, Uncategorized

I write, I move, I lose people I love, and the world goes on.

I finally made the decision to move to my mom’s, and it took me two years to finally come to terms with that. I knew it was what I needed to do, that all roads led here. It took that time to realize it would be the best, that it would make me happy.

I’ve had to juggle houses for so long, it doesn’t feel right staying in one place. I had to say goodbye to places and people. I’ve said goodbye to a lot of stuff, but the valley has been the hardest on me.

My last meeting, the last time I saw my Education Coordinator. He gave me a book, he told me about how he watched my growth in school. He handed me a folder of some of my most notable high school work. I cried.

I went to the parking lot, wishing I could pause time and say goodbye to every last thing there. Every place I had a special moment. Wishing I could give eternal hugs to every person I had come to know there. I cried.

My mom drove me out to my hometown, a little country town that’s mostly orange trees and cow pastures. We drove past my first house, and my second, third, and fourth. We passed people we once knew, but don’t anymore. Passed my first love’s house, he was out on his porch. Didn’t recognize us. We cried.

We kept driving, stopping in the town where I had been living these last three years. We stopped by my grandparent’s. Then to this mexican food establishment, I got some of my favorite tacos in all of the valley. Walked by the place Cadence works, by the place Megan’s mom works. By the old residence of a woman I knew who had to give it up because her cancer got too bad. I walked the streets of a town I had always known, to get in a car and drive to a city where I only knew my mom’s condo and a single barista at starbucks. I got in that car and I cried.

During that long car ride,I didn’t think about ex boyfriends or how I am plagued with PTSD. I didn’t think about how much I hated how my grandparents treated me, or that I hadn’t come out to my mom yet.

I thought about how I was leaving behind the only place I had ever lived or grown to love.

I was leaving behind my small town, one that I was so sure would be where I lived for years to come when I had been young. I imagined having a family and working there, I imagined where I would get married there, who I would invite..

But just like how I left Elderwood, and those people forgot me, I left Visalia. Pretty soon everyone I was close to, they will move on. We will remember things fondly, but they won’t be important anymore.

Now my friends are all hours away from me. Most of my family, too. I sleep on a sofa in a tiny condo and I sit alone and watch tv. I’m really lonely, I’m really frustrated, and I don’t feel loved like I had expected.

In a year and a half I’ll be an adult. In two years I’ll be off to college. In six to eight I’ll probably be graduating. From there, I’ll live my life. I’ll get a job, make friends, maybe even have a family. There will be holidays and deaths, births and marriages.. But I will never forget the day I left my childhood behind.