Men Can Be Awful

Failure, fuck you, Journal, New, no trust, Partner, Personal, Questioning Sexuality, Relationships, Sexuality

There has been so much going on in my life – from guys to my sister moving back in to my grandpa passing away, and it’s all stressing me out a bunch.

My relationships with dudes have been less than great recently, first there was Charley – the dude I met online and seriously regret seeing because I had sex with him and like tbh I shouldn’t have and none of it felt right. Like, I should have known that anyone willing to drive from three states away to see me when they’d only known me for less than 100 days was gonna be sketchy. Like, I’m sorry Charley, but I’m also not because I was very uncomfortable and you did push me into things faster than I was ready and I’m sorry that you’re insecure and can’t handle me criticizing you at all.

After Charley, there was Kylan – we were just gonna be friends with benefits, but we hung out twice and I changed my mind post VCF-insertion and when my naked body was underneath his naked body and he was aggressively holding me down and forcefully giving me TOO MUCH tongue.

Then there was this weird run-in with Talon when I messaged him and was like “missing you” and he was like “Missing you too, but I have a girlfriend that I’m only dating cause I’m not over Felicia” and I was like “Talk to me when you are single” and he was like “I will” and we left it off like that and went to bed, but the next night he sent “Lol jk that’s never gonna happen” and I was like “LOL I’m happy you said that cause I was drunk last night”, but like I wasn’t drunk and totally did miss him.

Then The nEXT DAY – Mr. San Francisco JACOB fucking messaged me after ghosting me for a goddamn year. Like, this son of a bitch just hits me up outta the blue, responding to the last question I sent him this time last year, and like I was being super cautious and saying shit like “Um yeah well I’m not gonna send you nudes because self respect and also you ditched  me for an entire year and how will I know you won’t do that again?” and he was like “I’ve Changed”

news flash.
HE HADN’T CHANGED.

tHAT son of a bitch hasn’t spoken to me, responded to my last message or snapchat in two whole days.

I’m not gonna be all desperate like last time because I have far more self-respect. But, fuck him. Also, he is now Vegas Jacob, because he moved.

I am seriously considering if I’m bisexual or just lesbian – at least girls don’t fuck you over, I’ve never been fucked over by a girl, it’s why I don’t write about them on here.

And like my grandpa passed away last week. Tomorrow is his funeral. I don’t know how to respond to this yet.

Her.

Questioning Sexuality, Sexuality

Maybe I’m just confused, I’ve been through a lot recently. 

Is it possible that I have serious issues?

I think I’m bisexual now, but thinking about telling anyone I know closely terrifies me after what happened.

I came out to my friend, she is very open and loving, someone I trust. The only problem between her and I is that she believes there is a god and that being gay is wrong because he says so.

Which, is an oddly conformed belief if you knew her.

So when she told me that what I was feeling was just the confusion of my “Bisexual” friends, I started worrying that was really the case, but the more I tried stopping those feelings, it was like tampering with breaking floodgates. 

All hell broke loose and I think I am obsessed with that girl now.

I’ve been having “lesbian thoughts” for awhile now, nearly a year, but tried to pass it off as nothing. Because, everyone fantasizes about kissing someone of the same gender.. right?

I also came out to my ex-boyfriend, but instead of talking to me about it, he asked if it was because of him… Then he proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t really bisexual and this would pass.
It all started when I got into my first relationship. When he and I would kiss, sometimes I’d close my eyes and imagine he was a girl. A specific girl. I also had quite a few sexual dreams about this girl I currently have feelings for (I think?). When that happened, I shook my head and passed it off as nothing.

It was just a dream. 

maybe five.

I just found her interesting and enthralling.

I wasn’t bisexual, of course. I just was picking up on her confused sexuality.

right?

Right..?

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME I’M RIGHT HERE.

This scares me, I couldn’t just tell my family about this. I want to talk to someone about it, but the only person I’d feel comfortable talking to it about would be her and knowing me, I would use the oppurtunity to profess my feelings.

and she would probably be creeped out by that.

Can anyone help..? Or am I a bundle of shit-ridden emotions?

 

Who am I?

Athiest, Journal, Loving Life, Personal, Questioning Sexuality, Smiling

As homework takes me as prisoner and the world grows darker, I try and keep a bright mind. It becomes difficult when everything starts spinning faster.

What makes this time of my life even more confusing is the fact that I’m currently questioning my sexuality. There’s this girl at my school and I either really like her as a friend and it makes me like her as a person. Or I’m obsessed. and I think it’s the latter.

I want it to be the latter…

She has the most beautiful eyes and we can hold intelligent conversations. I find myself staring at her lips, wondering what they would feel like in between mine.

I enjoy her company immensely. Maybe we are just “kindred spirits”, as Anne from Anne of Green Gables would say.

Just maybe…

_____________________

I know I need to hold off on inspiring my emotions for now. I am just getting over Guy #2 and it’s been five months since Guy #1 and I broke up. This could all just be sad, confused feelings.

I broke up with someone and got rejected in a short period of time and now I’m thinking I might be bisexual.

I need time. Time may not solve problems, but it gives me a moment to think about everything that I need to, so I can come to conclusions.

She is beautiful.

Little Smiles

Family, Loving Life, Questioning Sexuality, Sexuality, Small Things, Smiling

Today could have been a really awful day for me, but I have a new approach to looking at my life.

I have problems with my dirty room, or the fact that I have procrastination issues. But, I’ve decided that if I’m going to procrastinate, which I will, then I should at least enjoy it. So no guilt, but knowing I will still get done what I need to.

I have been questioning my sexuality recently, something I didn’t think I would ever do. But, liking someone can change that. She is interesting, and we have the best conversations, which maybe she and I are just really good friends, but maybe we are more. Something between us just connects and I love that. Though, I doubt she is interested in me (she is bisexual though). Because that seems to just be my luck with people I have feelings with 🙂

But I enjoy her company and opinions on things, we have a lot in common. People in our town wouldn’t support it, in fact, my family wouldn’t agree with it. My mom would, but no one else in my family. (Except my uncle who moved away when he came out. No one talks to him anymore.)

So, unless these feelings get out of hand, she and I will remain friends.

I have a feeling that this will pass though.

______________________

Sometimes I am content, like right now. I have a Salted Caramel Mocha, and it’s venti. I really enjoy this autumn weather too. I splurged today and bought new makeup and brushes, as well as new Eos. The little things that bring me happiness, and sure, maybe it’s momentary happiness, but what else is life for? Why do we live if not for the small moments that bring small smiles to our faces? I think those smiles are the most important because everyone has the big smiles, but having little things in your life that make you smile involuntarily many times a day are what make us all special, because everyone smiles at birthday parties and weddings, but not everyone smiles at new chapstick or a new makeup brush. It’s what makes us unique and wonderful as people.

I love having days when everything makes me have those little smiles. It makes life worth living and trudging through.

I hope you, Reader, are having a wonderful day too. I hope you have someone in your life that you can take a moment to appreciate and love through their imperfections because you are eachother’s to love. I hope you can take a moment to appreciate your mother, and if you have them, siblings. Love them. Not just because they are family, but because they have dealt with you through your faults and that makes them very special. I’m not going to tell you to love your fathers, because I would feel hypocritical because I do not love my own. So, if you love your father, that is amazing and great. I hope you have a good relationship with your dad. But, love everyone just a little. That’s what I’d like to say to each reader who somehow finds this post.