dy·nam·ic

Journal, Love, Partner, Personal, Relationships, sex

After my last post, as the world works, Travis told me he loved me. I said it back, and I have no regrets about that. I’m learning what a functional relationship looks like, and it’s not the same as the mystical love I had envisioned. It is wholesome, satisfying, and natural- but I wouldn’t say that it is the same thing I have felt in the past.

I think that what I used to believe was love is just an ideal, an image of love that isn’t real.

I have a lot on my mind, and I’m beginning to be mad at myself for being obsessed with Leo for as long as I was. I allowed for my feelings to cloud everything in my life and honestly, he is trash and he treated me like trash.

Right now I am alone, Maeva went to L.A. for the week and so I have the room all to myself. I don’t like being alone. I am sad. I would be less sad if I had got to see Travis, but I didn’t. I wish I had normal friends up here. None of the Chance bullshit I have dealt with. Tbh Sheldon is the most normal and even he is creepy/weird. Where are all the normal people at?

I was scrolling on Instagram and happen to see that Leo followed Vanessa? I know he already was. So he was probably lurking or some shit. I think about all those little moments he and I shared together and I really don’t think they meant anything at all. Not in the grand scheme of things. They did to me, in my head, at the moment, and when I was holding him. But he was always a two-faced guy, wasn’t he? I don’t think I ever trusted him.

He could never get himself to commit to anyone, and honestly, that is the least attractive quality in a person.

He leads people on.

I fell in love with a prick who got off on leading people on. It’s as simple as that.

I did so much for that prick. He always disappointed me, and from hundreds of miles away he is doing it still. Talking to my sister, following Vanessa- I was blinded by my idealized version of love. I was willing to overlook everything for him, and why?

I didn’t mind when he laughed obnoxiously, I didn’t get embarrassed when people knew I was with him in public even though they were talking shit on him, I didn’t get embarrassed when Jacob called him a tweaker, or when my mom met him, or when literally all of our coworkers saw us go to a movie together.

I honestly wanted to move back to Atascadero, I thought that I would be satisfied with being his wife and being there for him, but the reality is that he is a slimy character. He, I’m fairly certain, hits on my sister. I watched him flirt with Vanessa time and time again, and it fucking murdered me. I remember watching him flirt with Shelby and I actually had a mental breakdown on the clock in the bathroom because the guy I loved was out in the hallway flirting with her.

It’s all so dysfunctional.

Love isn’t dysfunctional like that.

What I have with Travis, and maybe one day I will eat my words, but I think it is long-term material. I think what we have is going to last. Our dynamic is friendship first, the sex is pretty damn good, and it’s more intimate than the sex I’ve had before. I’ve met his family, some of his friends, we have gone to parties together, we have gone on dates, in every environment our dynamic stays the same way.

Also, Riley likes him. First boyfriend ever that I can say that about.

I’m not embarrassed to be seen with him, in fact, I will proudly stand by him and say he’s my boyfriend. He’s everything I want in a guy.

The first time I seriously thought I might love him, we were sitting at a diner and I was staring at him across the table, and he made a joke. I remember thinking that I wanted to be doing that when I am old and when most other people are grumpy and aching- I want to be sitting across the table from Travis and making jokes with each other and laughing our asses off in public.

I feel like my relationship with his mom is strained and it’s frustrating for me, I’m not sure how serious it is or if shes just not a super friendly woman. I try so hard to get them to like me and I’m not sure it’s worked.

Maybe she isn’t sure how much she wants to adopt me into the family dynamic just yet.

Whatever it is, there is something, and I am sensitive to it.

I just have to work on not becoming insecure about that feeling I get when she makes comments.

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in·stan·ta·ne·ous

Journal, Love, Partner, Personal, Relationships

I still think about you every day. When it gets really quiet and my mind is still, I can hear you singing. Your eyes are the clearest image in my head. I no longer care to know how you really feel about me, I can only ever really know how I feel about you. I know that I will never love another person the way that I loved you. I never expect to. I thought I knew what it was like to care about a person before I knew you, and now that I have experienced what it’s like, I feel bad for every guy that has to come into my life after you.

I haven’t gotten the nerve to tell Travis that I love him because I know what it felt like to love you, and I never even told you to your face. An entire year and I never had the balls to tell you to your face.

Every time I think, you know maybe I love Travis, I remember what it felt like to just be laying in bed at night filled with pure bliss simply knowing you exist. I think about how flustered I would get when you would walk into a room. I couldn’t collect my thoughts, I couldn’t string a sentence together. I remember how satisfied I felt just spending five minutes with you outside of work. How happy you made me feel without having to do anything.

I can’t say it when I think about you.

We don’t talk much anymore, and that’s okay. It’s probably good.

I do love you, though. I haven’t been able to forget it.

I care about Travis. I just don’t care about him in the same way that I cared about you, and I know that every time I love someone, I love them in a different way than the person before.

Though I can’t say what I feel for him is love, at least not yet.
But when you introduced yourself to me I knew instantly.

Every time is different. I guess.

con·scious

Awareness, beautiful, equality, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, New, Peace, Personal, Relationships, Small Things

If I die understanding how to respect life, I will have lived a spectacular existence.

Every day I have the opportunity to directly impact hundreds of people at work. I have the opportunity to communicate and observe them.

It’s disheartening to see old people who are unhappy. I can’t help but feel like they missed out on some life lesson along the way, the one that teaches us how to cherish and value every moment we live.

That the most important moment in our lives is the one we are in right now, because if we do not value what could be perceived as the monotonous and wasted seconds during commutes or while we eat breakfast or while we work our nine to five jobs, we will never truly cherish and value the supposed “special” moments in life.

Rather, we will end up feeling empty, sad, and left wondering why we feel so meaningless during those special moments. You can’t just hit a button and all of a sudden value life.

That same philosophy goes for our treatment of people. If you go about your day being angry with strangers you encounter, how can you truly value and respect your friends and family?

Depending on how one places value on people, the way they treat others changes.

Some people would treat me the same when I have my apron on as when I am wearing my nicest pair of clothes. Others, however, will ignore my hello’s and questions – blatantly walking past me, glancing at my face, and not responding to me when I have on the apron.

True respect for others cannot be turned off and on- you have either learned it or fake the niceties to get by in society.

I believe that respecting the moment and respecting the working class goes hand in hand. If someone goes their entire life cherry picking the moments that they will feel happy and only being kind to the most beautiful and the richest, think about all of the moments they will miss out on? All of the quality people that they have disregarded? There is so much substance in those things, to ignore it is a cry for help- you are unhappy with yourself.

It doesn’t matter if it is four in the morning, while you are on the bus, waiting in line for your coffee, or trying to fall asleep in bed at night.

I try to rush my life to get to those golden moments, where I am holding my boyfriend or enjoying a meal, the ones where I am at weddings or Christmas eve drinking cocoa- but there are 525600 minutes every year and 7.53 billion people in the world. I want to value every last one of both of those things.

In order to respect oneself and the life that they live, they have to respect the people around them and the environment that they live in, in order to do that we must value every second that we spend and every interaction that we have.

We cannot be perfect, it is not in our DNA- however, we can make a conscious effort to be better and strive every day for improvement.

col·lec·tive

Journal, no trust, Personal

Some things have been encouraging my insecurity recently.

I normally bring some food into my communications class because it’s after a break of mine, so I always get food. This girl turns to me and says, “you’re always munching on something” and like… Okay?? Your point? I’m sorry?????

My boyfriend doesn’t always respond back to me very fast and I wonder if he’s ignoring me. If I’m too needy. So then I’m like, do I ignore him? Do I leave him on read so it evens shit out? But I want to respond fast and shit cause I know that makes me feel good when others do it for me and I’m not out here to hurt him- I just don’t want to be made out to be a needy girlfriend. You know?

At work, sometimes I’ll say something and no one will respond. Or they will and their voice trails off like they don’t care???

I am trying so goddamn hard to work on myself, why do others have to come at me like this? I just want to live a positive life and put positivity out there and not be down all the time.

This recent trend in my life is bringing me down though, I’ve been depressed for a while and I don’t know if it’s the weather or the daily grind I’ve got going on, but I’m over it.

I want some sunshine and ice coffee and smiling. I want Travis to respond faster. I want to have close friends up here.

The insecurity I feel makes me wonder if I’m just different from everybody else. If no one will ever like me because I unknowingly eat loudly in class or respond too fast to messages, what if I’m.. annoying.. That thought is what makes me isolate myself and not try to make friends. I’m worried that people universally don’t like me as a person.

des·per·a·tion

Jealousy, Journal, Love, no trust, Partner, Personal

Taking a short trip through my camera roll, I recognized a pattern in my association with the photos. I took that one when I liked so-and-so. I took this one when I was dating that guy. I was rejected by this person on this day. And suddenly I remembered why I took a social media hiatus. It fueled a dysfunctional part of myself, it fueled my insecurity of how others perceive me.

I felt it again just looking at the pictures I used to post.

I was desperate. I needed validation. I needed acceptance.

It still makes me really uncomfortable thinking about if I fell back into that pattern. Relying on a guy, being left, and suddenly in a crisis.

That wasn’t me for a year. A whole year. And knowing that it’s possible for Travis and I to break up at any point (hello, I have had unforeseen breakups before), I worry what kind of spiral I could go into, if any.

I always respond to him fast, and I do it because I care about him. I do it because I find him exciting. Because talking to him brings me joy. But it also gives me that sense of acceptance I crave when he talks to me, and perhaps I am just like a guinea pig triggering it’s happy spots in its brain until it dies.

I’m afraid that my affection will drive him away because I have associated myself being attached to someone as the cause for them leaving me.

I’m over here feeling all of these things and I’m scared to form a real connection with Travis because I’m scared that in doing so, he will realize that I was too easy or something. He’ll think I’m not good enough for him. Subpar. Lower class. How many ways can I say inferior?

I thought that I had made so much progress in myself since my big mental breakdown of 2016-

but I still worry that Travis will cheat on me. I still worry that he is only complimenting me because he wants sex. I have this crippling fear inside of me that I am a social outcast because there is something seriously wrong with me.

I try to act like I have accepted it, but it’s rooted inside my heart. It’s an ugly disease in my blood.

I’m so fucking insecure.

ne·glect

Blame, Domestic Violence, Failure, Family, forgotten, Journal, Memories, no trust, Partner, Perfect, Personal, Relationships

Recently I have been feeling depressed. Most notably when I mess up at work or think about how my relationship with Travis will likely end.

As much as I like him, I can’t shake this feeling that he’ll cheat or something that will hurt me and then I’ll be put in this position that makes me feel like a hopeless girlfriend like I’ve felt before. I’ve tried really hard to be the perfect girlfriend for him, harder than I have ever tried before. I would say that this is the most effort I have put into a relationship – because I want it to work.

There have been times when I have felt very close to him and others when we were laying right next to each other and I may as well have been alone. But I’ve felt like that with everyone, which makes me wonder if that aching sense of abandonment is more about my parents and childhood traumas than my current relationship.

Which brings me to my main point here, I am damaged. I cannot explain the sense of loss that I feel when I cannot make a cappuccino properly, I just know that it happens. It’s illogical, but I have cried because I felt this ache after someone tells me that their drink isn’t light enough. I just can’t do anything right. 

I didn’t have these fears about Travis before we went to that party together – but I very consciously stopped trusting him completely when that girl walked by and he later told me he had a superficial thing for her. As well as when he drunkenly stared at that girl’s cleavage.

I recognize I am a recent addition to his life, that being in a relationship after being single is a lifestyle change, and I will admit that I have recently checked other guys out- but to do it so blatantly in front of me? It hurt.

After my mom left us I changed. She was only a part of my life on the surface. That slight connection we did have, messaging me and seeing each other once every few months, it made the abandonment I felt hard to distinguish. It wasn’t as if my mom just disappeared one day and I never heard from her again.

Nonetheless, I was abandoned. Physically she was not there, emotionally she was not there, financially she was not there.

I told myself that I was the only one I could ever rely on, and I have ingrained that into who I am today. Self-sufficient, self-made, independent and in no need of help. I was living that lifestyle at fifteen when she left me. That mindset made me push people who cared about me away. I was terrified I would get used to having them as a support system in my life and have to relive the pain of losing my mom.

Aside from Riley, I don’t let people in. I don’t really allow for anyone to become a part of my life that I am emotionally dependent on.

It’s a toxic trait of mine.

So now that I have the opportunity to really let another person in, to let myself have an attachment to Travis, I hesitate. He has the potential to really hurt me.

He told me that he feels something real between us, and I do too- when I’m not emotionally distancing myself from everything I care about.

Since my parents’ separation, I have had a compulsive desire to please authority figures in my life. Teachers, managers, literally anyone in power over me. I sought out the affirmation that I was doing good from my parents during a critical period of my development, and they gave me nothing. Now I seek it anywhere I can find. Working long hours, being as reliable as I humanly can push myself to be- and any failure feels like a monumental collapse.

I feel a responsibility, too. One to prove that my family line isn’t all flimsy and mentally unsound- it’s why I am in college. I want, no I feel the need, to show that I can achieve greatness. I want to have a real career. I want to have success. But how far will this drive take me before I crash and burn?

I feel the need to be perfect in every aspect of my life. I know I can never meet those expectations.

At the end of everything, I just want closure from the abandonment. I want the affirmation my parents cannot give me.

con·nec·tion

Journal, Personal, Relationships

In life, there are people who bring out different qualities in yourself. Some bring out your insecurity, others your confidence, and rarely, your true self.

There are people who enable your ugliest parts to the surface, they treat you in ways that don’t make sense and are illogical. They make you doubt yourself, abilities, and everything you thought you knew about yourself. Their doubtfulness, if around it too long, can hinder your personal growth and stunt your life from becoming everything it had the potential to become. I call this type of person in my life toxic. I have had people who thought that they could get away with emotional manipulating me, and for a while, I let it happen because I was young and didn’t know any better. However, once I realized their behavior and could distinguish abusive traits, I haven’t put up with it since.

No one knows you better than you know yourself.

There are people who you love in your life who are not good for you but aren’t quite toxic. They may have their own perception of who you are and sometimes push that onto you, however, it is well intended and at the end of the day you love each other and want the best. This is a difficult relationship to maintain, it takes a lot of effort, but they can be fulfilling. I’ve had a lot of these people in my life, they come and go, aren’t stable with themselves, and more often than not will end up vanishing from your life.

There are people who you let into your life that you thought would be different, and then you cannot get rid of them once you realize that they aren’t what you had perceived at first. These people are difficult and needy, they will often use you because most people have pushed them away. These ones are their own kind of toxic, they will use you until you are run dry and can no longer offer them what they want. They are the leeches of relationships. I have had a few of these people in my life, and now I avoid them at all costs.

Then there are the people who manage to bring out every good quality that you knew you had, they understand who you are on a spiritual level. You can have deep conversations with them, there is mutual support and while it can take an effort to maintain these relationships, it is worth every second. These relationships are satisfying, they are the ones that will bring you fulfillment in life. I have a good handful of these in my life; My sister, my friends Katie, Lacey, and Fiona, and it is too early to really be able to know, but I feel like my new relationship with Travis is one. These people are always there for me to offer support and hold each other up, I might not talk to them all of the time, but I have a strong supportive love for them.

Quick Thoughts

beautiful, Journal, Love, Personal

These last few days for me have been rough, to say the least. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think without feeling intense dread. I had no appetite, I would lay down at night and do nothing but cry. During the day I would wake up to my alarm but fall back asleep – not getting out of bed until 4pm. I skipped school three out of the five days last week – I thought I was sick, but the doctor said I only had a mild sinus infection.

I felt miserable, was throwing up even when I had not eaten – because I had only eaten half a pancake and a partial bowl of soup for five days.

However, it dawned on me just now as I was working in concessions that I only feel this way because I am trying to change how I feel. I felt every branch of sadness – guilty, abandoned, deep despair, depression, loneliness, boredom. Sometimes critical of myself – other times I was helpless, insecure, and anxious. I felt insignificant. I was working against myself, wanting to feel important and aware – content and nurturing. But I simply could not because it wasn’t where I was at yet.

I realized that in order to come to terms with the situations I’m dealing with, I first have to accept that right now I am sad – afraid even. I will feel powerful again soon, but right now, perhaps for a while, I am going to be sad.

Feeling grief, a sense of loss. I accept that. I accept that right now I am vulnerable and sensitive. We have these emotions for a reason, and I won’t try to push them away just because they make me uncomfortable. They are healthy to feel in moderation.

I won’t always wake up feeling useless, restless, and frustrated.
I won’t always feel alone.

These things will pass, but I cannot force them out before I accept why I feel them.

I can’t stop myself from having the emotions that I do, I can’t force myself to stop having feelings for someone (even though I may try) – I have them for a reason. I like who he is as a person, as a friend, for all of the little quirks that make him different than everyone else in my life.

I cannot change circumstances, I cannot change myself, I cannot change the past.

This is good. Life is good, on some basic level. I will thrive where ever I end up, I just have to give the world some time to sort itself out.

dis·so·nance (4-1-2018)

Awareness, fathers, fuck you, Future, home, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust, Partner, Personal, Relationships

Have you ever done something and not really understood why you did it? As your hand approaches your mouth with the pills weighing in your palm, and that voice inside your head is saying don’t, yet they make it into your mouth and you swallow anyway.

When you’re standing outside at four a.m. and heavily intoxicated because you have succumbed to your desire to fit in and an Uber costs $30, so you walk across town to get home while your sister is busy fucking the guy where you had been sleeping not even thirty minutes before. Before you walk home, you kick his car. A lot. and dig out your keys, leaving grooves because you’re angry that no one loves you.

The guy you have loved for the last seven months would rather lead you on and never commit because he wants to be able to fuck anyone he wants. But you love him and have lowered your standards so much that even if he has sex with someone else you would still cover up his mistakes. The line is drawn at emotional attachment now.

You run home, and when you would normally feel pain in your lungs, this time you’re so numb you cannot feel it. You slowly approach the porch, quietly walking now so as to not wake your landlord.

In your bathroom, five a.m. and there is a knife sitting to your right on the floor. Why doesn’t anybody care about you? You pick it up.

Your mom’s response to your university acceptance was “fuck you”. Your dad hasn’t talked to you in months. Your sister, who you depend on, you woke up to her making out with a guy in the same bed as you.

You’re sitting on the bathroom floor of a place you pay for with money you made from sweeping popcorn up in theaters and cleaning shit up in public bathrooms. You put the knife down, you have worked too hard to end here. You have worked too hard to give up because your family doesn’t love you.

University is on the horizon; your future, beginnings, everything you have ever looked forward to. It is coming. You know you’ll be broke, but you’ve been emotionally broken for years – and being financially broke is nothing when you have your freedom.