These last few days for me have been rough, to say the least. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think without feeling intense dread. I had no appetite, I would lay down at night and do nothing but cry. During the day I would wake up to my alarm but fall back asleep – not getting out of bed until 4pm. I skipped school three out of the five days last week – I thought I was sick, but the doctor said I only had a mild sinus infection.
I felt miserable, was throwing up even when I had not eaten – because I had only eaten half a pancake and a partial bowl of soup for five days.
However, it dawned on me just now as I was working in concessions that I only feel this way because I am trying to change how I feel. I felt every branch of sadness – guilty, abandoned, deep despair, depression, loneliness, boredom. Sometimes critical of myself – other times I was helpless, insecure, and anxious. I felt insignificant. I was working against myself, wanting to feel important and aware – content and nurturing. But I simply could not because it wasn’t where I was at yet.
I realized that in order to come to terms with the situations I’m dealing with, I first have to accept that right now I am sad – afraid even. I will feel powerful again soon, but right now, perhaps for a while, I am going to be sad.
Feeling grief, a sense of loss. I accept that. I accept that right now I am vulnerable and sensitive. We have these emotions for a reason, and I won’t try to push them away just because they make me uncomfortable. They are healthy to feel in moderation.
I won’t always wake up feeling useless, restless, and frustrated.
I won’t always feel alone.
These things will pass, but I cannot force them out before I accept why I feel them.
I can’t stop myself from having the emotions that I do, I can’t force myself to stop having feelings for someone (even though I may try) – I have them for a reason. I like who he is as a person, as a friend, for all of the little quirks that make him different than everyone else in my life.
I cannot change circumstances, I cannot change myself, I cannot change the past.
This is good. Life is good, on some basic level. I will thrive where ever I end up, I just have to give the world some time to sort itself out.