dy·nam·ic

Journal, Love, Partner, Personal, Relationships, sex

After my last post, as the world works, Travis told me he loved me. I said it back, and I have no regrets about that. I’m learning what a functional relationship looks like, and it’s not the same as the mystical love I had envisioned. It is wholesome, satisfying, and natural- but I wouldn’t say that it is the same thing I have felt in the past.

I think that what I used to believe was love is just an ideal, an image of love that isn’t real.

I have a lot on my mind, and I’m beginning to be mad at myself for being obsessed with Leo for as long as I was. I allowed for my feelings to cloud everything in my life and honestly, he is trash and he treated me like trash.

Right now I am alone, Maeva went to L.A. for the week and so I have the room all to myself. I don’t like being alone. I am sad. I would be less sad if I had got to see Travis, but I didn’t. I wish I had normal friends up here. None of the Chance bullshit I have dealt with. Tbh Sheldon is the most normal and even he is creepy/weird. Where are all the normal people at?

I was scrolling on Instagram and happen to see that Leo followed Vanessa? I know he already was. So he was probably lurking or some shit. I think about all those little moments he and I shared together and I really don’t think they meant anything at all. Not in the grand scheme of things. They did to me, in my head, at the moment, and when I was holding him. But he was always a two-faced guy, wasn’t he? I don’t think I ever trusted him.

He could never get himself to commit to anyone, and honestly, that is the least attractive quality in a person.

He leads people on.

I fell in love with a prick who got off on leading people on. It’s as simple as that.

I did so much for that prick. He always disappointed me, and from hundreds of miles away he is doing it still. Talking to my sister, following Vanessa- I was blinded by my idealized version of love. I was willing to overlook everything for him, and why?

I didn’t mind when he laughed obnoxiously, I didn’t get embarrassed when people knew I was with him in public even though they were talking shit on him, I didn’t get embarrassed when Jacob called him a tweaker, or when my mom met him, or when literally all of our coworkers saw us go to a movie together.

I honestly wanted to move back to Atascadero, I thought that I would be satisfied with being his wife and being there for him, but the reality is that he is a slimy character. He, I’m fairly certain, hits on my sister. I watched him flirt with Vanessa time and time again, and it fucking murdered me. I remember watching him flirt with Shelby and I actually had a mental breakdown on the clock in the bathroom because the guy I loved was out in the hallway flirting with her.

It’s all so dysfunctional.

Love isn’t dysfunctional like that.

What I have with Travis, and maybe one day I will eat my words, but I think it is long-term material. I think what we have is going to last. Our dynamic is friendship first, the sex is pretty damn good, and it’s more intimate than the sex I’ve had before. I’ve met his family, some of his friends, we have gone to parties together, we have gone on dates, in every environment our dynamic stays the same way.

Also, Riley likes him. First boyfriend ever that I can say that about.

I’m not embarrassed to be seen with him, in fact, I will proudly stand by him and say he’s my boyfriend. He’s everything I want in a guy.

The first time I seriously thought I might love him, we were sitting at a diner and I was staring at him across the table, and he made a joke. I remember thinking that I wanted to be doing that when I am old and when most other people are grumpy and aching- I want to be sitting across the table from Travis and making jokes with each other and laughing our asses off in public.

I feel like my relationship with his mom is strained and it’s frustrating for me, I’m not sure how serious it is or if shes just not a super friendly woman. I try so hard to get them to like me and I’m not sure it’s worked.

Maybe she isn’t sure how much she wants to adopt me into the family dynamic just yet.

Whatever it is, there is something, and I am sensitive to it.

I just have to work on not becoming insecure about that feeling I get when she makes comments.

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in·stan·ta·ne·ous

Journal, Love, Partner, Personal, Relationships

I still think about you every day. When it gets really quiet and my mind is still, I can hear you singing. Your eyes are the clearest image in my head. I no longer care to know how you really feel about me, I can only ever really know how I feel about you. I know that I will never love another person the way that I loved you. I never expect to. I thought I knew what it was like to care about a person before I knew you, and now that I have experienced what it’s like, I feel bad for every guy that has to come into my life after you.

I haven’t gotten the nerve to tell Travis that I love him because I know what it felt like to love you, and I never even told you to your face. An entire year and I never had the balls to tell you to your face.

Every time I think, you know maybe I love Travis, I remember what it felt like to just be laying in bed at night filled with pure bliss simply knowing you exist. I think about how flustered I would get when you would walk into a room. I couldn’t collect my thoughts, I couldn’t string a sentence together. I remember how satisfied I felt just spending five minutes with you outside of work. How happy you made me feel without having to do anything.

I can’t say it when I think about you.

We don’t talk much anymore, and that’s okay. It’s probably good.

I do love you, though. I haven’t been able to forget it.

I care about Travis. I just don’t care about him in the same way that I cared about you, and I know that every time I love someone, I love them in a different way than the person before.

Though I can’t say what I feel for him is love, at least not yet.
But when you introduced yourself to me I knew instantly.

Every time is different. I guess.

des·per·a·tion

Jealousy, Journal, Love, no trust, Partner, Personal

Taking a short trip through my camera roll, I recognized a pattern in my association with the photos. I took that one when I liked so-and-so. I took this one when I was dating that guy. I was rejected by this person on this day. And suddenly I remembered why I took a social media hiatus. It fueled a dysfunctional part of myself, it fueled my insecurity of how others perceive me.

I felt it again just looking at the pictures I used to post.

I was desperate. I needed validation. I needed acceptance.

It still makes me really uncomfortable thinking about if I fell back into that pattern. Relying on a guy, being left, and suddenly in a crisis.

That wasn’t me for a year. A whole year. And knowing that it’s possible for Travis and I to break up at any point (hello, I have had unforeseen breakups before), I worry what kind of spiral I could go into, if any.

I always respond to him fast, and I do it because I care about him. I do it because I find him exciting. Because talking to him brings me joy. But it also gives me that sense of acceptance I crave when he talks to me, and perhaps I am just like a guinea pig triggering it’s happy spots in its brain until it dies.

I’m afraid that my affection will drive him away because I have associated myself being attached to someone as the cause for them leaving me.

I’m over here feeling all of these things and I’m scared to form a real connection with Travis because I’m scared that in doing so, he will realize that I was too easy or something. He’ll think I’m not good enough for him. Subpar. Lower class. How many ways can I say inferior?

I thought that I had made so much progress in myself since my big mental breakdown of 2016-

but I still worry that Travis will cheat on me. I still worry that he is only complimenting me because he wants sex. I have this crippling fear inside of me that I am a social outcast because there is something seriously wrong with me.

I try to act like I have accepted it, but it’s rooted inside my heart. It’s an ugly disease in my blood.

I’m so fucking insecure.

ne·glect

Blame, Domestic Violence, Failure, Family, forgotten, Journal, Memories, no trust, Partner, Perfect, Personal, Relationships

Recently I have been feeling depressed. Most notably when I mess up at work or think about how my relationship with Travis will likely end.

As much as I like him, I can’t shake this feeling that he’ll cheat or something that will hurt me and then I’ll be put in this position that makes me feel like a hopeless girlfriend like I’ve felt before. I’ve tried really hard to be the perfect girlfriend for him, harder than I have ever tried before. I would say that this is the most effort I have put into a relationship – because I want it to work.

There have been times when I have felt very close to him and others when we were laying right next to each other and I may as well have been alone. But I’ve felt like that with everyone, which makes me wonder if that aching sense of abandonment is more about my parents and childhood traumas than my current relationship.

Which brings me to my main point here, I am damaged. I cannot explain the sense of loss that I feel when I cannot make a cappuccino properly, I just know that it happens. It’s illogical, but I have cried because I felt this ache after someone tells me that their drink isn’t light enough. I just can’t do anything right. 

I didn’t have these fears about Travis before we went to that party together – but I very consciously stopped trusting him completely when that girl walked by and he later told me he had a superficial thing for her. As well as when he drunkenly stared at that girl’s cleavage.

I recognize I am a recent addition to his life, that being in a relationship after being single is a lifestyle change, and I will admit that I have recently checked other guys out- but to do it so blatantly in front of me? It hurt.

After my mom left us I changed. She was only a part of my life on the surface. That slight connection we did have, messaging me and seeing each other once every few months, it made the abandonment I felt hard to distinguish. It wasn’t as if my mom just disappeared one day and I never heard from her again.

Nonetheless, I was abandoned. Physically she was not there, emotionally she was not there, financially she was not there.

I told myself that I was the only one I could ever rely on, and I have ingrained that into who I am today. Self-sufficient, self-made, independent and in no need of help. I was living that lifestyle at fifteen when she left me. That mindset made me push people who cared about me away. I was terrified I would get used to having them as a support system in my life and have to relive the pain of losing my mom.

Aside from Riley, I don’t let people in. I don’t really allow for anyone to become a part of my life that I am emotionally dependent on.

It’s a toxic trait of mine.

So now that I have the opportunity to really let another person in, to let myself have an attachment to Travis, I hesitate. He has the potential to really hurt me.

He told me that he feels something real between us, and I do too- when I’m not emotionally distancing myself from everything I care about.

Since my parents’ separation, I have had a compulsive desire to please authority figures in my life. Teachers, managers, literally anyone in power over me. I sought out the affirmation that I was doing good from my parents during a critical period of my development, and they gave me nothing. Now I seek it anywhere I can find. Working long hours, being as reliable as I humanly can push myself to be- and any failure feels like a monumental collapse.

I feel a responsibility, too. One to prove that my family line isn’t all flimsy and mentally unsound- it’s why I am in college. I want, no I feel the need, to show that I can achieve greatness. I want to have a real career. I want to have success. But how far will this drive take me before I crash and burn?

I feel the need to be perfect in every aspect of my life. I know I can never meet those expectations.

At the end of everything, I just want closure from the abandonment. I want the affirmation my parents cannot give me.

dis·so·nance (4-1-2018)

Awareness, fathers, fuck you, Future, home, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust, Partner, Personal, Relationships

Have you ever done something and not really understood why you did it? As your hand approaches your mouth with the pills weighing in your palm, and that voice inside your head is saying don’t, yet they make it into your mouth and you swallow anyway.

When you’re standing outside at four a.m. and heavily intoxicated because you have succumbed to your desire to fit in and an Uber costs $30, so you walk across town to get home while your sister is busy fucking the guy where you had been sleeping not even thirty minutes before. Before you walk home, you kick his car. A lot. and dig out your keys, leaving grooves because you’re angry that no one loves you.

The guy you have loved for the last seven months would rather lead you on and never commit because he wants to be able to fuck anyone he wants. But you love him and have lowered your standards so much that even if he has sex with someone else you would still cover up his mistakes. The line is drawn at emotional attachment now.

You run home, and when you would normally feel pain in your lungs, this time you’re so numb you cannot feel it. You slowly approach the porch, quietly walking now so as to not wake your landlord.

In your bathroom, five a.m. and there is a knife sitting to your right on the floor. Why doesn’t anybody care about you? You pick it up.

Your mom’s response to your university acceptance was “fuck you”. Your dad hasn’t talked to you in months. Your sister, who you depend on, you woke up to her making out with a guy in the same bed as you.

You’re sitting on the bathroom floor of a place you pay for with money you made from sweeping popcorn up in theaters and cleaning shit up in public bathrooms. You put the knife down, you have worked too hard to end here. You have worked too hard to give up because your family doesn’t love you.

University is on the horizon; your future, beginnings, everything you have ever looked forward to. It is coming. You know you’ll be broke, but you’ve been emotionally broken for years – and being financially broke is nothing when you have your freedom.

Loving Endlessly (To An Extent)

feminism, fuck you, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Partner, Peace, Personal, Relationships

In the world, there is only one person you can truly count on – and that is yourself. While we – as human beings – do want to feel love, belonging, and predictability in the world; if you rely on someone for those things you can’t find true satisfaction and peace.

That’s why I’m looking to myself to find love, because I know it’s in me. That’s why I am accepting and loving myself for who I am right now, because the only person who will truly accept me 100% without judgement is myself.

Someone who doesn’t care enough about you, or who doesn’t see a future with you is not someone you would have lived a happy life with. Someone who uses you for affection and emotional stability is not a healthy partner, and you are better off without them. Someone who you disagree with on a constant basis is not going to make you happy in the long run, and you will be happier, healthier, and live a better life with out them in it.

If someone doesn’t love me, and we break up, then I see no loss.
If someone moves on and they didn’t want to be with me, there is no loss.
If you love someone and they do not love you back in the same way, there is no loss if they leave your life.

I’m better off alone, then with someone who doesn’t love me for everything that I am. I’ve learned this not just through breakups, but also with my father. He didn’t love me for who I was, and since he has been excluded from my life I have been happier and healthier. Toxic relationships never work out and will only drain you of the love you have. Save that love.

I love who I am, flaws and everything – because over attachment and stretch marks are me. Caring about things a little too passionately, that is me. I am embracing the fact that I overthink, that I am short, that I can be an awkward mess – because I don’t want to change anything about myself.

I do not need someone else to complete me or make me happy – I don’t need another person to fulfill my biological need of love and belonging. I love myself endlessly, and I belong to the world. I am happy this way.

Loving other people is also one of my things. I always love someone, whether it’s my dog, my sisters, or a love interest. I’m finding that it’s in my nature to love people and animals, it’s something that I as a person need to do to be happy. I care.

My Perfect Partner: Revised

Atheism, beautiful, Beauty, equality, Family, feminism, Future, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, New, Partner, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Relationships, science, Small Things, Smiling

About five months ago, on august 1st of 2016, I wrote a post about my perfect partner. While most of it is still true, I wanted to revise it. After going through my last relationship, some updating needed to happen.

My perfect partner would be taller than me, pretty fit or small, kiss really well. Someone who is sexual, and understand the appeal of large cities. Someone who would be down for adventure at any hour. They would remind me of what I love when I am sad. Preferably would have brown or dark hair, would wear leather shoes (probably oxfords or sandals). High libido. They would play chess, read for leisure, cook occasionally. Someone who would appreciate music with foreign lyrics and instrumental pieces. They would have the desire to see the world, to go places. Someone who loves foggy weather, as well as the rainy days. They would share my nerdy side, loving Lord of the Rings, Sherlock, The X-files, or whatever I’m interested in then as much as me. We would share the same taste in music and humor, I mean, a relationship with puns would have to be a good one. They kind of need to love sushi, because it’s literally my favorite. They would be an open-minded person who looks at (and doesn’t ignore) facts, someone who uses reasoning and skepticism to come to conclusions. A critical thinker, an intelligent being. Their occupation would be in a field of science or art, they would be a logical person with soft emotions. They would be passionate and caring, interesting but not a douche, kind but not in a delusional way. Ethically, I would see in them what I aspire to be. They would aspire to know everything they could, never stop learning. Someone who wants to make a change in the world, who is as crazy as I am in thinking that we could actually make a difference – but they don’t let that stop them.

Someone who would understand that I have my many emotional issues, and they wouldn’t guilt me for having them. They would understand that sometimes I need to be loved. Someone who wouldn’t mind my spam texting them, or that I over analyze the simplest of things. They wouldn’t mind that I can overreact to things, because let’s face it, I can make a lot of issues for myself. They would understand that I have a difficult time loving people, that I have a difficult time trusting someone after that trust has been broken. They would understand that I am a person who fluctuates in everything: emotions, weight, ideas. I’m constantly changing and don’t like settling.

Most importantly, we would want to make a relationship together work. We would make the other feel at peace, and loved. There will be no “if we’re still together then”, there would be trust and mutual satisfaction. There wouldn’t be that looming sense that one day we would break up.

I feel the intense desire to be in a long term relationship with someone like this. Surprisingly, nothing drastic has changed in the last five months, but a lot of little things were not the same anymore.

And of course, we would have to love each other.

Breaking up

Hope, Journal, Love, Memories, Partner, Personal, school, Small Things

I hadn’t noticed, but you stopped saying you loved me four days ago.
I wasn’t paying attention, but you didn’t come to the door when you picked me up today.
It didn’t mean anything earlier, but you didn’t talk to me on the way to your house.

When you dropped me off, you told me not to message you.

You don’t love me anymore, do you?
I guess it’s time to unfriend your mom.

Time to get rid of the gifts you gave me.
Time to prepare for the awkwardness when we see each other in class.
Time to change your name from “Babe” to “That ex” in my contacts.
Time to walk alone at night from school when no one else can drive me.

Time for the fuck boys, the dating accounts, the being a bad ass bitch.
Time for the flirting with guys and ending my nights with binge eating and tears.

Today, we broke up. I started writing this post three days ago, and decided not to post it because I thought we could make things work.

But tonight, as I sat in your car and asked questions about why you had stayed with me and why you wanted to break up with me before, how you felt together.. And I couldn’t convince myself that it would work anymore.

I heard you say you were unhappy.
I heard you say we weren’t compatible.
I heard you say these and I couldn’t say a word.

So I broke up with you.
I got out of your car, and I walked home.
I walked past the place we had our first kiss – where I leaned on your shoulder and felt safe for the first time in months.
I got on the street where I live, and took off my shoes and ran – sobbing.
I saw where you would always park.

When I walked inside my house, my mom asked me what happened..

I texted my friends

I gathered all the stuff you gave me.

I archived our messages, but couldn’t convince myself to delete all the pictures of us on my phone. I’m not ready for that.

I showered.

And now here I am, sitting alone in my house sobbing because I realized how shitty our last kiss was. How I didn’t even say bye to your mom the last time I saw her. How I would have hugged your dogs one last time – but I didn’t think that it was the end, so how would I have known to?

I don’t know what to do. I feel really alone and I miss you, but I know that in a few days, or even weeks, I might stop realizing the things I mentioned. And slowly, I’ll stop thinking about you altogether. I’ll forget about our shitty last kiss, and about the fact that you couldn’t get me to orgasm the last time you tried – I’ll forget about all the things I did for you that I hated (blow jobs, namely).

But I am glad that we ended things before it got too serious. I couldn’t have been a military/army wife. I didn’t want to have kids. The fact that you went to church with your dad annoyed me, and honestly – we just had a lot of things we disagreed on.

It wasn’t until I realized that you couldn’t or were unwilling to make the same sacrifices as I was, that I knew we weren’t going to work. I thought you were okay with how liberal/needy I am, but I guess not.

I’ll miss getting lunch with you. I’ll miss meeting you in between classes. But we are over now, and I’ll just have to get over that.

Say Anything

Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, Partner, Personal, Poetry, Small Things

I don’t want to hear about your ex,
or the sad girl who needs your attention.

I don’t want to hear about your last relationship,
how things ended.

I don’t want to have reasons to be suspicious,
I don’t want to question if you care.

But when you talk about the sad people,
the people who needed you..
I feel like you don’t care about me.

We already are hardly talking.
We already have sexual issues.
We already have trouble communicating.

When we’re sitting in your car,
you don’t talk to me.
I look you in the eyes, thinking
“say something, say anything
but you are silent.

I just want a conversation,
a dialogue between two people.
I want a witty banter.

I’ve had enough of uneventful,
somber, silent, painful car rides.
I’ve sat in cars with guys who never talked.
I’ve been left sitting in the silence
wondering if they’ll ever open their mouth.

Say anything.

It makes me selfish.
It makes me a bitch.
It makes me jealous.
It makes me who I am
And nothing less.