Let’s Go

beautiful, Beauty, Creative Writing, Future, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Nature, New, Peace, Personal, Relationships

Everyday I am alive, the realization that I have no idea what I’m doing sets in a little bit more.

That my anxiety is a hormonal reaction, and that everyone sees the world very differently.

I’m discovering how I want to see the world, and the person I want to become.
Seeing what makes me genuinely happy, figuring out how to deal with difficult people/situations, and the ongoing struggle to react in ways that represent who I want to be.

I’m finding that I need someone to love. There is an overwhelming amount of love inside of me that I want to give, paired with my extensive barriers that my experiences have created. It’s near impossible to trust when I have given so much love to find that I was being used. Naïveté in it’s purest form, to love someone who has no intentions of loving you back.

I also have the need to travel, to go somewhere that no one speaks my language and I’m scoffed at for being american, and to taste food that was prepared farther away from my home than I have currently been. I want to ride a plane across the ocean, look out the window and be afraid. I want to skydive, ride in a hot air balloon, bungee jump, and watch the sunrise in India while a bustling city wakes up below me. I want to sip a latte in Paris as it rains, eat a orange in the south of France, kayak in Greece, I want to see and go everywhere.

I want to learn how to love running and to be someone the weak envy.

I want to eat avocado toast for breakfast with a cup of black coffee everyday at five-thirty in the morning before I have to go to work.

I want to save money, and have a life I am proud of living.

That is really what I want. To be proud of my life. Escape limiting beliefs and achieve everything my heart desires. I know I can. I will.

Men Can Be Awful

Failure, fuck you, Journal, New, no trust, Partner, Personal, Questioning Sexuality, Relationships, Sexuality

There has been so much going on in my life – from guys to my sister moving back in to my grandpa passing away, and it’s all stressing me out a bunch.

My relationships with dudes have been less than great recently, first there was Charley – the dude I met online and seriously regret seeing because I had sex with him and like tbh I shouldn’t have and none of it felt right. Like, I should have known that anyone willing to drive from three states away to see me when they’d only known me for less than 100 days was gonna be sketchy. Like, I’m sorry Charley, but I’m also not because I was very uncomfortable and you did push me into things faster than I was ready and I’m sorry that you’re insecure and can’t handle me criticizing you at all.

After Charley, there was Kylan – we were just gonna be friends with benefits, but we hung out twice and I changed my mind post VCF-insertion and when my naked body was underneath his naked body and he was aggressively holding me down and forcefully giving me TOO MUCH tongue.

Then there was this weird run-in with Talon when I messaged him and was like “missing you” and he was like “Missing you too, but I have a girlfriend that I’m only dating cause I’m not over Felicia” and I was like “Talk to me when you are single” and he was like “I will” and we left it off like that and went to bed, but the next night he sent “Lol jk that’s never gonna happen” and I was like “LOL I’m happy you said that cause I was drunk last night”, but like I wasn’t drunk and totally did miss him.

Then The nEXT DAY – Mr. San Francisco JACOB fucking messaged me after ghosting me for a goddamn year. Like, this son of a bitch just hits me up outta the blue, responding to the last question I sent him this time last year, and like I was being super cautious and saying shit like “Um yeah well I’m not gonna send you nudes because self respect and also you ditched  me for an entire year and how will I know you won’t do that again?” and he was like “I’ve Changed”

news flash.
HE HADN’T CHANGED.

tHAT son of a bitch hasn’t spoken to me, responded to my last message or snapchat in two whole days.

I’m not gonna be all desperate like last time because I have far more self-respect. But, fuck him. Also, he is now Vegas Jacob, because he moved.

I am seriously considering if I’m bisexual or just lesbian – at least girls don’t fuck you over, I’ve never been fucked over by a girl, it’s why I don’t write about them on here.

And like my grandpa passed away last week. Tomorrow is his funeral. I don’t know how to respond to this yet.

My Perfect Partner: Revised

Athiesm, beautiful, Beauty, equality, Family, feminism, Future, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, New, Partner, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Relationships, science, Small Things, Smiling

About five months ago, on august 1st of 2016, I wrote a post about my perfect partner. While most of it is still true, I wanted to revise it. After going through my last relationship, some updating needed to happen.

My perfect partner would be taller than me, pretty fit or small, kiss really well. Someone who is sexual, and understand the appeal of large cities. Someone who would be down for adventure at any hour. They would remind me of what I love when I am sad. Preferably would have brown or dark hair, would wear leather shoes (probably oxfords or sandals). High libido. They would play chess, read for leisure, cook occasionally. Someone who would appreciate music with foreign lyrics and instrumental pieces. They would have the desire to see the world, to go places. Someone who loves foggy weather, as well as the rainy days. They would share my nerdy side, loving Lord of the Rings, Sherlock, The X-files, or whatever I’m interested in then as much as me. We would share the same taste in music and humor, I mean, a relationship with puns would have to be a good one. They kind of need to love sushi, because it’s literally my favorite. They would be an open-minded person who looks at (and doesn’t ignore) facts, someone who uses reasoning and skepticism to come to conclusions. A critical thinker, an intelligent being. Their occupation would be in a field of science or art, they would be a logical person with soft emotions. They would be passionate and caring, interesting but not a douche, kind but not in a delusional way. Ethically, I would see in them what I aspire to be. They would aspire to know everything they could, never stop learning. Someone who wants to make a change in the world, who is as crazy as I am in thinking that we could actually make a difference – but they don’t let that stop them.

Someone who would understand that I have my many emotional issues, and they wouldn’t guilt me for having them. They would understand that sometimes I need to be loved. Someone who wouldn’t mind my spam texting them, or that I over analyze the simplest of things. They wouldn’t mind that I can overreact to things, because let’s face it, I can make a lot of issues for myself. They would understand that I have a difficult time loving people, that I have a difficult time trusting someone after that trust has been broken. They would understand that I am a person who fluctuates in everything: emotions, weight, ideas. I’m constantly changing and don’t like settling.

Most importantly, we would want to make a relationship together work. We would make the other feel at peace, and loved. There will be no “if we’re still together then”, there would be trust and mutual satisfaction. There wouldn’t be that looming sense that one day we would break up.

I feel the intense desire to be in a long term relationship with someone like this. Surprisingly, nothing drastic has changed in the last five months, but a lot of little things were not the same anymore.

And of course, we would have to love each other.

I Simply Loved You

Future, Humanist, Journal, Love, New, Personal, Relationships, Smiling

Everything sucks balls right now, but in all honesty I think I’m done caring about this. I don’t want to analyze anything, I don’t want to worry about Talon, I don’t want to read into anything I see him posting on social media. He’s not my concern anymore, and even though I love him (I likely will for some time) it isn’t worth my time or emotions to sit around crying and moping or even just caring about what he is doing. It’s simply doesn’t make sense if I want to get over him faster.

So Talon, if you’re reading this – I love you, but if you wanted me in your life, you had your chance and didn’t take it. I’m not going to waste another day wondering what went wrong, why we didn’t work well together, because I have so much ahead of me now and in this moment I don’t have to compromise any of that for a partner. Right now I could be that world renown journalist traveling anywhere her heart desired, or I could still go to Harvard and become a lawyer, I could go into theatre, I could live in a big city, all of the things that didn’t seem possible dating you. I don’t want to be tied down, and I never did. I’m too flirtatious, too adventurous, too outgoing to be held back this young. I need my freedom and my charisma to take me farther in life – and my boyfriend when I was a junior in high school is not going to do that.

I can love you and not be a whimpering mess, because I do not need you. I never needed you. I simply loved you, and love isn’t going to stop me from smiling.

Things That Make Me Happy

beautiful, Beauty, Future, Her, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Memories, Nature, New, Peace, Personal, Small Things, Smiling

Waking up well rested before 10am
Listening to a song that gives me chills
Seeing a good piece of art
Plants
Dogs that are excited to see me
When my nail polish dries smooth
When the teacher says there’s no homework
Making inside jokes with old friends
Painting with watercolors
When I’ve mastered a song on the piano
The sound of a creek on a warm day
Making forts in orange groves with my friends
Knowing I have no where to be and nothing to do the next day
When I look in the mirror and think I’m beautiful in the morning
Baking
A really good kiss
Hugging for long periods of time
Writing letters to friends
The first cup of coffee in the morning
When it rains, and the smell of dirt roads afterward
Navel Oranges
Cats, when they hold onto your finger and nip at it
The way candle flames dance in the wind
Lemonade during summer
A cold pool
The satisfaction of finishing a book
When I think about everything I have accomplished
New journals
When I’m first falling in love, being obsessed with knowing every detail about the person
Seeing kids play together, making up stories
Doing something outrageously adventurous
Doing what feels right, supporting what feels right
Getting and giving gifts
Christmas – the food, the weather, the friends and family
Sitting by warm fires with my dog, feeling the heat lick at my skin
Camping with my family
Taking hikes in the mountains and seeing new things
Standing in front of the ocean and feeling the breeze catch my hair
When I’m alone and the song I’m making up flows perfectly
Getting out of the shower and all my makeup came off
Fantasizing about traveling the world
When inspiration hits and I do ten projects in one day
When my room is clean and organized
Seeing old happy couples doing simple things together
Watching babies laugh
Fridays
When I feel how much someone cares about me
Learning something interesting
Getting good grades
A good cup of tea
Christmas music
Looking at nature
Loving people
Watching people in big cities go through their day
Looking put together
Organizing messy places
Cleaning something that was really dirty
When I can take care of myself
Seeing happy families
Watching dads spend time with their kids
When someone lets you into their life
Caramels
Outfits that remind me  of why I get dressed in the morning
New jars of peanut butter that’s smooth at the top
Smiling so wide my cheeks hurt, laughing so hard that my ribs ache
Watching people do what they’re passionate about
Making playlists
Wrapping myself in warm fuzzy blankets on cold days
Doing what scares me, what makes me uncomfortable
Being so passionate, loving something so deeply that it never fades
Dark chocolate with sea salt
Attractive people
New bras
When someone understands me
When someone is genuine

An Apology for her Neediness

Blame, Future, Her, Hope, Journal, Love, Memories, New, Partner, Relationships

Thinking back on our relationship, I started seeing things that I wouldn’t have payed attention to before, I didn’t know they would mean something later on.

I was so much more emotionally invested than you, wasn’t I? I cared more about meeting your mom and family, I cared more about how I made impressions, and I think that you knew that we would inevitably break up, and so you didn’t care as much about those things. You didn’t even bother to try seeing me on New Years even though I had told you prior that it was important to me – you did the same thing when I invited you over to see Nate.. Was your dad’s house just an excuse? If I hadn’t asked to talk to you and made it sound so urgent, would we still  be together? Could we have been happy?

No.. We wouldn’t have been.

I want you to know that I did try – I took Riley’s advice about not breaking up just because a few bad things happened, to actively try to make the relationship work.. I don’t think you ever wanted to try and make things work. I think that you didn’t take it seriously.

I didn’t want to just be your girlfriend when you were a senior, I wanted to be with you for a couple of years.. I wasn’t planning on breaking up with you like I had done before – I wanted to stick it out. And guess what – we lasted just under 6 months together. My first relationship was longer. Your relationship with Ashley was longer.

It’s ironic isn’t it? You didn’t work with her because she didn’t show you affection, and we didn’t work because I was too affectionate and needed too much affection.

I wonder if you’ve told your mom. If you’ve told Gage and Wyatt. I wonder if you have ranted about me to your friends on Xbox.

I went to SLO with my mom today, we talked about her old boyfriends and went through her old yearbooks – she couldn’t remember half of their last names. I realized how much you won’t matter in twenty years – that helped.

I never stopped loving Sam, I hope I stop loving you.. I don’t want to have to deal with this pain too often.

I’ll get over this soon. I have a feeling you’re happier single anyway. No one to waste your time and money, no one to drag you around town during lunch.

My need for affection will be my downfall, won’t it? I wish I could have been less for you. I wish we could have worked. I liked your family, however quirky they were. I liked how you would get so invested in your games, how you would get annoyed at me. I liked your friends, and I could only wish they liked me too.

Maybe you were too important to me. I’m sorry.

Recalling Memories

Church, fuck you, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, New, no trust, Partner, Personal, Religion, school

You were the first boyfriend that I was both physically and emotionally attracted to.

This is probably my least favorite part of breaking up because my dumb fucking brain only wants to remind me of all the cute things you did that made me like you..

How you got that app with the little kitten that would roam around on your phone. How your hair would flip when it was long.. how we would hold hands during psychology. How your face would brighten up when you would see me waiting for you at lunch or before 4th period. Holding hands when you drove – that long car ride we took to Taft.. When you came over that one time and we watched that really annoying and shitty movie Nate recommended, we got taco bell, and cuddled on the sofa…. When I came over to your house and took that picture of you with a Snapchat filter of a cat.. When we went to starbucks together and you hated me for getting you to like the passion tea lemonade. Taking me to the melodrama, getting that pretentious macaroni and cheese in SLO with your mom..

But then, there were the times when I just couldn’t help wondering why we were ever together.. When we would argue about anything political. When you told me you were thinking about going into the military. When you just the other day told me that you couldn’t date someone who was fat – or when you out right said that you would specifically look for things that solidified your existing beliefs. The racist songs you played in the car that one time…

I only broke up with you because you obviously didn’t want to be with me anymore, and I’m not sure why you hesitated to do it yourself.

I love you, but now I resent that more than I ever appreciated it. It’s burdening me, I don’t want to love you.

Complaining

Athiesm, Athiest, beautiful, Beauty, Blame, Failure, fuck you, Future, god, Her, Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, New, no trust, Personal, Religion, school, science

This last week has been hard.

I fell down a hill and ended up hitting my house. My whole body is sore.

I lost 10 points in PE because I couldn’t run the mile – my leg was too beat up, I hardly made it through the day walking between classes.

Also during PE: I ended up on a team with the two athletic girls (one of whom is in AP Lang with me —  let’s just say I embarrassed myself. My hair band broke, and my hair is at this really ugly length, it’s not quite above the shoulder, but it’s not really below it.. So, I was messing with my hair instead of trying to play badminton. I’m pretty sure they don’t like me now. Pretty sure I lost the game for us.

After PE, I had a physics test. Completely forgot how to solve one of the equations, even though I had studied an extra hour of unrequired materials in preparation two nights before. Of COURSE I forgot. The teacher gave me this look of disappointment, mixed with something related to anger and simply said “you knew this was going to be on the test.” and he was right. but I had also studied. I was understanding it. But then the test came and I was already having a bad day and the next thing I knew, I was out of his class and trying my absolute best to not cry at school. I can’t be the girl who cries at school again…

I’ve made a point to not talk about my family issues at school, or about anything negative that would set me apart. I don’t want anyone at school to know my past or present grievances.

But I still had a panic attack at school and hid in the bathroom stall, trying to control my breathing — those bathrooms seriously need loud fans or music because you can hear EVERYTHING that is going on in the next stall over. Seriously.

To top it off, we had vocal auditions that afternoon. Imagine singing, after having been so worked up, you had to stop yourself from crying.

The group did vocal warm ups together, and I’m perfectly comfortable singing in a group, but solos and I do not mix (at least not yet). And so when they asked me to do a solo part in the warm up, I nearly puked. I felt something lurch up from in my stomach, and lost my breath. Anxiety is great.

Then, that night was when I found out I had lice.

It was a wonderful day.

My sister is leaving for europe in four days.. She’ll be gone for a month. I’ve never been apart from her for that long. But she’s kinda pissed at me right now, and I hope things get better between her and I before she gets back..

She’s going to be gone for my birthday.. I’m turning seventeen in a month and two days.

Everything has me feeling so defeated. I don’t feel like I can cry anymore. I don’t feel like I can express my emotions without being judged. It hasn’t stopped me, but it makes me hesitant.

I want to feel pretty again. I haven’t felt pretty since I cut my hair. not really.. I’ll have moments of feeling attractive, but I don’t look in the mirror and think I’m beautiful. I would like to think that I’m pretty without my long hair, but I don’t think I believe that.

I feel so sick. Between waiting for the cast list to go up and my physics grade to go on Aeries, I really am not sure how I’m going to cope with all this stress.

Oh, and I decided to post this on facebook:

I wish I could have read this post early on, after my parents divorce.

I wish that people hadn’t excused what happened in our house as “God’s will” or even said that it was “for the better” — no. Definitely not.

Being mentally abused was not good, it hasn’t made me a better person in ways that I couldn’t have grown without it. I loath when I am told that it was a good learning experience or even that I am a better person because of it.

No. Abuse didn’t make me a better person, it’s stifled me in many ways emotionally and socially – and I would never tell another person that it was a positive thing if I learned that it had happened to them.

PTSD hasn’t made me a better person – I’ve become more understanding, yes, but that isn’t to say that it wouldn’t have happened without it. I have been told that it will allow me to walk a path of individuality because of I have it — while that may be true, the panic attacks that come with PTSD do not make me a better person. They hurt me. They stop me from performing as a healthy human being in social situations – that happened just today at school.

It’s okay for bad things to happen to us, and the “band-aid” idea that the bad things happen for a reason does more damage than good to a person who is in pain. Allow us to grieve, allow for our pain to show in ways that may be socially looked down on – crying, not smiling in public, or even just not looking happy 100% of the time – those things are okay. Being unhappy isn’t bad – it’s healthy if you’ve experienced something traumatic.

A lady who I used to know from church decided to comment on it. Mind you, I’m not friends with her on facebook. But this is what she said:

“I doubt God wants people to suffer. However, he can help you recover and use your experiences for good if you allow him to.”

My response: ” It wasn’t my intention to communicate that God was purposefully allowing people to be in pain – I was simply trying to say that when people pass off horrific events (such as car accidents and domestic violence) as “gods purpose” it can be a destructive mindset for those who are in pain. What we need is to be loved and accepted for where we are in life, and if where we are isn’t a happy place – then show compassion, acceptance and love us through our pain. If there is a god, I don’t believe he would be mean-spirited or “out to get people” – want to make sure I’m clear on that”

Her retort: “You KNOW there is a god. I understand where you’re coming from and I appreciate you shedding some light on how to best love those who are in pain.”

Oh wait. Sorry Mrs. Russell.. Sorry that I didn’t know what I believed and that I had to ask you.

But I didn’t ask.

And for the record, I don’t “KNOW” there is a god, so cool your tits. No one knows if there are any deities, or if there aren’t. So. Just. Chill.

I Ran Today

Failure, forgotten, fuck you, Future, home, Hope, Journal, New, no trust, Personal, school

My suicide note is a report card,
My ambition lost with the last F I received,
Every graded discussion has me in shambles,
Every Exam has me on my knees.

I never considered myself much of a quitter,
I left my conscience at home today,
Ran the mile real fast today,
Ran out of the house as I left today,

Forgot the last time I remembered
Forgot about a lot of things,
Can’t forget about the F today,
Can’t forget my keys

Laughed really hard at school today,
Laughed really hard before I cried today.
Hid what I felt and died today,
Hid from myself and what I want today.

F is for Failing

Failure, fuck you, Future, home, Humanist, Journal, New, no trust, school

I feel miserable.

I feel stupid.

I have one A.

I have one B..

I have three C’s.

I have one D.

I have one F.

I didn’t think high school would be this difficult.

I wake up in the morning, crawl out of bed and loath the day coming.

I feel like throwing up most days and I’m not sure why.

I always have a throbbing headache now.

I am self conscious about things that never used to bother me.

I find myself binge eating more than ever.

I hate myself for binge eating because I know I hate being unfit when I’m in PE.

I see the kids in PE and wonder why I let myself get where I have.

I see the kids in PE and hate that I can’t do a pushup.

I get home, look in the mirror, and I don’t look like myself anymore.

I find myself crying when I lay in bed at night.

I don’t know why.

I kick myself because there are other kids at my school who are in multiple AP classes.

They can keep their grades up. I don’t know why I can’t.

They are the kids who are in anatomy and chemistry, they can keep their grades up.

They know how to take the tests and do well on them.

These kids know how to do these things I have never done before.

I’m really stressed.

I’m second guessing everything I have ever thought of myself.

Some things haven’t changed.

I cheated on my physics homework last night.

I can’t live up to the standards I used to hold myself to.

This week, I’ve contemplated ending it all more than I would like to admit.

I’ve contemplated dropping out of school.

I’ve thought about how easy it would be to just walk into a busy street.

I get home and there is drama.

I have to do my homework.

I stay up late to get it all done.

I leave home and there is drama.

I get to school and I feel judgement.

I get to class early, judgement.

I get to class late, judgement.

I walk in the halls, judgement.

I change into my PE clothes, judgement.

Walking to class, there is judgement.

In the bathroom, waiting in line, judgement.

I have anxiety like never before – I can’t do any of my hobbies anymore.

Watch tv shows? Not unless I want to fail.

Fail. Failure. Loser. Slow. Incapable. Over confident. Fat. Awkward.

I just want a friend. A close friend. I don’t have one anymore.. In fact, I don’t really have anyone to confide in. My mom never has been good at those things, Riley doesn’t like to have me bringing her down, and that leaves Talon. To him, this is just self-loathing. Thanks. I have no real friends yet – there’s Allison in PE but we don’t talk or see eachother outside of there, and there is Noah. Sadly, I think those are the two people I have made acquaintances with. Noah wouldn’t be able to help and it would be weird of me to talk to him about anything besides the homework we have in common. I don’t even know Allison’s last name.

Once again, I find myself in this place. I am alone. I am left to solve things by myself and with no one to give me sound advice that I can actually apply to my life. I guess that makes you, my readers, the only people connected to me this personally. I don’t know your faces, I don’t know your names, I don’t even know if you like me, but thank you. You’re here when I need you, you listen. You take the time to read what I am saying, despite how completely meaningless it feels.