1·23·2019

beautiful, Beauty, Family, feminism, Her, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Nature, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Relationships, Small Things

I have had an inner calling to go home. Something deep, mystical, and spiritual. I had this calling when I was still with T. Muttered about it under my breath, seemingly out of nowhere. I want to go home.

My soul is withered, has lost all passion. I wake up with the desire to do good but feel as though I am weighed down. I have the desire to feel free and passionate and happy, but something has been in my way.

So I am returning home, with the intent to nourish my soul and regain my spiritual self.

I walk around with a veil over my heart, and it has been this way since I have been in San Francisco. I have lost touch with myself. But that didn’t start when I was here, it started a long time ago. Honestly, before I can even remember.

But I know what it is like to be in touch with my soul, to feel vibrant and alive and free.

I am making my way home so that I can feel like that every day. So I can learn to bring it with me wherever I go.

So that my heart, my soul, my psyche can be revived.

There is a part of myself that I cannot deny, one that thrives in nature. As a child, I felt the call of the wilderness when on ranches. I felt a connection to my psyche in the wild animals. I felt the freedom that came with the open wilderness. I was one with the world.

I have the energy of wild howling wolves in my heart. I must stay in touch with it.

I can feel it now, in it’s tamest sense, as I grow herbs on my window sill in my high rise apartment. But I am not happy. They are not happy. We are confined by these spaces and domesticated into something that society considers good.

We bulldoze and change everything in our paths. Yet we never allow ourselves to stop and breath. To harness our natural born desires to be free.

I will no longer live with a veil over my heart. I will no longer deny myself the desire to do what I need.

I am going home, and no one can stop me.

People have been taking and taking from me. Work demanded every possible part of me. T didn’t really demand a lot, but I wanted to give him everything. So I gave him everything; my attention, my love, my thought. Even when he was not around, I was doing things for him. Shaving my legs, washing my hair, sweeping up my hair before he came over, I cleaned, I cooked for us, I bought him gifts, it was constant. But it was not bad. I feel like I should repeat that. It was not bad.

I knew he was 17. I knew he was not emotionally in a place to do the same thing for me, and I did it anyway. Only because I didn’t realize I needed it in return. I assumed I was an ever-flowing fountain of giving.

So, I made his bed. I cleaned his room. I tried to form relationships with his family. I exhausted myself for my love of him.

The other day I wrote that I never loved T- but I honestly don’t even know what love is.

I can say that I cared very deeply for that boy. That he made me smile when he walked in the room. That his passion for things sparked some sort of passion in me. I know that our break up has caused and is still causing me physical pain.

I know that I learned to sincerely care about who he was and who he aspired to be.

And I enveloped myself in him, but lost connection with my self. He was not toxic, but the way that I tuned out my intuition with him was not good for me.

I’ve learned to listen to the person I am inside, and she’s withering away. She needs to be taken care of.

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Wish I Were

beautiful, Creative Writing, Hope, Journal, Love, Nature, Personal, Poetry, Poetry Wednesday, Small Things

I wish I were eloquent,
Eucalyptus in the wind.
How sea foam gently glides – pure and white.

Wish I were simple,
Notes of cocoa in coffee,
the sound of C-Major on a spring day.

Wish I were warming,
Tea on a bitter cold night,
The prolonged hug.

 

Moral Dilemma

beautiful, Beauty, Creative Writing, Future, Humanist, Journal, Nature, New, Personal, Poetry

It feels as though the world is lapping at me,
Eating away at my heels as I try to make my way.

Like a rock on at the edge of the ocean,
Never getting a break from the endless torture
That is the ocean’s softly beating wave.

Back is sore, feet bleeding, hands callused
I’ve held on this far, but I was never promised an end.

Not a moment goes by as I brace to the cliff
that letting go isn’t considered,
but if I do, the cliff will fall,
Cascading into the ocean.

Atop this cliff, a child sits, their fate is my decision.
I can hold on, turn into to stone
As the water relentlessly beats me with its salty hand
Or I can let go, and let the ocean guide us into the world
of eternal night.

Things That Make Me Happy

beautiful, Beauty, Future, Her, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Memories, Nature, New, Peace, Personal, Small Things, Smiling

Waking up well rested before 10am
Listening to a song that gives me chills
Seeing a good piece of art
Plants
Dogs that are excited to see me
When my nail polish dries smooth
When the teacher says there’s no homework
Making inside jokes with old friends
Painting with watercolors
When I’ve mastered a song on the piano
The sound of a creek on a warm day
Making forts in orange groves with my friends
Knowing I have no where to be and nothing to do the next day
When I look in the mirror and think I’m beautiful in the morning
Baking
A really good kiss
Hugging for long periods of time
Writing letters to friends
The first cup of coffee in the morning
When it rains, and the smell of dirt roads afterward
Navel Oranges
Cats, when they hold onto your finger and nip at it
The way candle flames dance in the wind
Lemonade during summer
A cold pool
The satisfaction of finishing a book
When I think about everything I have accomplished
New journals
When I’m first falling in love, being obsessed with knowing every detail about the person
Seeing kids play together, making up stories
Doing something outrageously adventurous
Doing what feels right, supporting what feels right
Getting and giving gifts
Christmas – the food, the weather, the friends and family
Sitting by warm fires with my dog, feeling the heat lick at my skin
Camping with my family
Taking hikes in the mountains and seeing new things
Standing in front of the ocean and feeling the breeze catch my hair
When I’m alone and the song I’m making up flows perfectly
Getting out of the shower and all my makeup came off
Fantasizing about traveling the world
When inspiration hits and I do ten projects in one day
When my room is clean and organized
Seeing old happy couples doing simple things together
Watching babies laugh
Fridays
When I feel how much someone cares about me
Learning something interesting
Getting good grades
A good cup of tea
Christmas music
Looking at nature
Loving people
Watching people in big cities go through their day
Looking put together
Organizing messy places
Cleaning something that was really dirty
When I can take care of myself
Seeing happy families
Watching dads spend time with their kids
When someone lets you into their life
Caramels
Outfits that remind me  of why I get dressed in the morning
New jars of peanut butter that’s smooth at the top
Smiling so wide my cheeks hurt, laughing so hard that my ribs ache
Watching people do what they’re passionate about
Making playlists
Wrapping myself in warm fuzzy blankets on cold days
Doing what scares me, what makes me uncomfortable
Being so passionate, loving something so deeply that it never fades
Dark chocolate with sea salt
Attractive people
New bras
When someone understands me
When someone is genuine

Poetry

beautiful, Beauty, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Memories, Nature, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Poetry, school, Small Things, Smiling

Sweet voices, little voices

they wander in the garden.

Saying words that mean so little –

Saying words that mean so much.

Their words traverse through the garden,

they wander aimlessly.

The little voices have little feet

that will carry their bodies far.