After my last post, as the world works, Travis told me he loved me. I said it back, and I have no regrets about that. I’m learning what a functional relationship looks like, and it’s not the same as the mystical love I had envisioned. It is wholesome, satisfying, and natural- but I wouldn’t say that it is the same thing I have felt in the past.
I think that what I used to believe was love is just an ideal, an image of love that isn’t real.
I have a lot on my mind, and I’m beginning to be mad at myself for being obsessed with Leo for as long as I was. I allowed for my feelings to cloud everything in my life and honestly, he is trash and he treated me like trash.
Right now I am alone, Maeva went to L.A. for the week and so I have the room all to myself. I don’t like being alone. I am sad. I would be less sad if I had got to see Travis, but I didn’t. I wish I had normal friends up here. None of the Chance bullshit I have dealt with. Tbh Sheldon is the most normal and even he is creepy/weird. Where are all the normal people at?
I was scrolling on Instagram and happen to see that Leo followed Vanessa? I know he already was. So he was probably lurking or some shit. I think about all those little moments he and I shared together and I really don’t think they meant anything at all. Not in the grand scheme of things. They did to me, in my head, at the moment, and when I was holding him. But he was always a two-faced guy, wasn’t he? I don’t think I ever trusted him.
He could never get himself to commit to anyone, and honestly, that is the least attractive quality in a person.
He leads people on.
I fell in love with a prick who got off on leading people on. It’s as simple as that.
I did so much for that prick. He always disappointed me, and from hundreds of miles away he is doing it still. Talking to my sister, following Vanessa- I was blinded by my idealized version of love. I was willing to overlook everything for him, and why?
I didn’t mind when he laughed obnoxiously, I didn’t get embarrassed when people knew I was with him in public even though they were talking shit on him, I didn’t get embarrassed when Jacob called him a tweaker, or when my mom met him, or when literally all of our coworkers saw us go to a movie together.
I honestly wanted to move back to Atascadero, I thought that I would be satisfied with being his wife and being there for him, but the reality is that he is a slimy character. He, I’m fairly certain, hits on my sister. I watched him flirt with Vanessa time and time again, and it fucking murdered me. I remember watching him flirt with Shelby and I actually had a mental breakdown on the clock in the bathroom because the guy I loved was out in the hallway flirting with her.
It’s all so dysfunctional.
Love isn’t dysfunctional like that.
What I have with Travis, and maybe one day I will eat my words, but I think it is long-term material. I think what we have is going to last. Our dynamic is friendship first, the sex is pretty damn good, and it’s more intimate than the sex I’ve had before. I’ve met his family, some of his friends, we have gone to parties together, we have gone on dates, in every environment our dynamic stays the same way.
Also, Riley likes him. First boyfriend ever that I can say that about.
I’m not embarrassed to be seen with him, in fact, I will proudly stand by him and say he’s my boyfriend. He’s everything I want in a guy.
The first time I seriously thought I might love him, we were sitting at a diner and I was staring at him across the table, and he made a joke. I remember thinking that I wanted to be doing that when I am old and when most other people are grumpy and aching- I want to be sitting across the table from Travis and making jokes with each other and laughing our asses off in public.
I feel like my relationship with his mom is strained and it’s frustrating for me, I’m not sure how serious it is or if shes just not a super friendly woman. I try so hard to get them to like me and I’m not sure it’s worked.
Maybe she isn’t sure how much she wants to adopt me into the family dynamic just yet.
Whatever it is, there is something, and I am sensitive to it.
I just have to work on not becoming insecure about that feeling I get when she makes comments.