Fuck You, Fuck Everything You Have

Creative Writing, equality, Family, forgotten, fuck you, Jealousy, Journal, Personal, school

I’m not popular,
I’ll never be.

I’m the kid that sits alone at lunch
Cramming their homework in

The kid who walks straight home after school

Kid who doesn’t socialize with everyone else
mostly because they have rejected me my entire life.

Kindergarten was the same, kids walked by and shunned me from their view
Odd one out, forgot your name, last to be picked for the team.

I don’t get a lot of likes on Instagram, even if I did, I’m no Kylie Jenner
I’m not thin, or eloquent with my speech, I stumble over my own feet.

Only the odd like me, maybe I’m the queen of the unspoken followers.
I’ll be the queen of those who are constantly rejected, the unseen and trampled.

We are the overused race, the unvoiced angst of the century.

Fuck those picture perfect girls, who don’t need photoshop but use it anyway
Fuck those kids who don’t realize everything they have.

Advertisements

Bursting Apricot

beautiful, Beauty, Blame, Creative Writing, feminism, forgotten, fuck you, Future, Her, Humanist, Journal, New, Personal, Poetry, Relationships, school

I have many glass vases sitting on a shelf.
Some are blue, others yellow,
Your’s was the color of an apricot on a warm summer day.

With flakes of red bursting from the center
And warm orange undertones, calming the world.

It was the color of my heart. Before it fell off my shelf.

Now the colors have separated, amidst the shards of broken glass,
The glass and color intertwine, the way vines and lattice do.

A psychedelica puddle on the floor, irreparable.
Still beautiful, but in a more human way.

Look At Me

Blame, Failure, Family, fathers, forgotten, home, Journal, Personal, Relationships, school

There are more people who dislike me in the world than like me. I’m not even sure my own friends like me- who even are my friends? The people at the high school aren’t that close to me and the kids I did the musical with are like disinterested in me and the people at erclc don’t even care about me anymore.

Even the people who live with me don’t talk to me- it’s been two weeks since my mom’s boyfriend has even acknowledged my existence. He has been ignoring me when I’m in the same room as him and hasn’t look at me or said a single word to me since May 10th.

I feel like I have no one.

People don’t respond to my snapchats, they don’t respond to my texts, and last night Sam sent me a video of his friends saying i should fuck myself.

Perhaps I’m just a terrible person who does terrible things and it’s easy to hate me.

I came so close to killing myself last night. It feels like only three people in the world really care that I live and breath.

I’m temperamental, narcissistic, over dramatic, insecure, controlling – I’m a million terrible things combined into one shit storm of a person.

I’ve burned bridges with people because of my personality, I’ve hurt myself and others simply by being me. Why am I like this? I honestly believe that I am the worst person I know.

I’m a disappointment to my mom, I’m such a burden to her.

I was a burden to my grandparents as well.

And to my aunt and uncle.

Look at me, a fucked up human who people hate. A academically failing piece of shit who will never fulfill their dreams. Look at me. I’m awful. I’m just a plain bitch. I can’t even fucking do the dishes like my mom asks.

I haven’t changed. I’m still shitty. I hate myself.

I want loving parents who care about me. I want to be kissed on the forehead and for someone to make me tea before bed and I want someone to care that I’m suicidal. I want someone to tell me not to, to say that I have so much to live for and that they believe I can do it.

Instead, I have a mom who comes home and complains about work everyday.

I haven’t had a normal conversation with my dad since I was 13.

I’ve broken friendships and people are uncomfortable around me.

Look at me. Who have I become?

They, Themselves, and I

Failure, forgotten, fuck you, Future, Her, home, Journal, no trust, Personal, school, Small Things

Yesterday was an insane and emotional day – it’s funny how one can mask their identity so easily while out in the public eye, it’s so convincing that they even believe it, and then the moment they get in the car, the mask melts away. They cry. They scream. The perfect mask they had acquired throughout the day, is meaningless.

The things that still hold meaning are what made them cry in physics, the things that are too deep for even their family to help with.

It’s when they’re last on the gym court during dodge ball and everyone is yelling at them to score and get everyone back in the game – yet they fail to. Losing the game.

It’s when their PE coach comments about how their tshirt is getting “looser” and that they are “getting better” at the mile — even though they still only got 9:30 on it. They know it’s not the best time in the world, and would rather not have her comment on it.

It’s when they’re in the car on their way home, and their mom asks how their day went, how school was, and they can’t even respond without a flood of tears ensuing.

It’s when they are laying in bed at 1:47pm and the next week they have finals and all they can think about is how calming death sounds. How easy it would be for them to just jump.

It’s when they’re sitting in the dressing room during rehearsal and they can’t allow themselves to think about themselves or how they’re going no where in life already, because the director instructed that everyone “check their baggage at the door” – they can’t let anyone know that their costume makes them feel ugly because every other princess in the show got a hoop skirt but them self.

It’s when they can’t allow their stories to become person, so they resort to talking about them self in the third person.

My Life

Blame, Failure, forgotten, fuck you, Future, Hope, Journal, Personal, Poetry, school

My life has become a list of to-do’s.
My life has become projects.
My life has become due dates and grades.

My life revolves around point-recovery.
My life revolves around getting through the lap.
My life revolves around getting out of bed when the alarm goes off.

My life is circling around rhetoric.
My life is circling around the bell.
My life is circling around anxiety and stress.

My life goes by with little notice.
My life goes by with a slice of mediocrity.
My life goes by and with each day it becomes less mine.

I Ran Today

Failure, forgotten, fuck you, Future, home, Hope, Journal, New, no trust, Personal, school

My suicide note is a report card,
My ambition lost with the last F I received,
Every graded discussion has me in shambles,
Every Exam has me on my knees.

I never considered myself much of a quitter,
I left my conscience at home today,
Ran the mile real fast today,
Ran out of the house as I left today,

Forgot the last time I remembered
Forgot about a lot of things,
Can’t forget about the F today,
Can’t forget my keys

Laughed really hard at school today,
Laughed really hard before I cried today.
Hid what I felt and died today,
Hid from myself and what I want today.

The Beginning and The End

Beauty, dads, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, feminism, forgotten, fuck you, Future, home, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Loving Life, Memories, Personal

My life as I know it today started like this:

My mom was painting our living room, furniture was covered in plastic, windows were open to air the house out.Cross-legged on a desk, I sat nearby as my mom lathered the wall in a neutral base. The dynamic in our house had been different recently, I couldn’t pinpoint it then but I knew something was off.. At that moment, my mom broke some news to me. She told me something that would alter the course of my life, she told me something that I now know would change me in a multitude of ways. She told me we were going to be leaving my dad.

I sat there, at first worried, then I realized all the possibilities leaving him would offer me. I could finally be myself. I remember sitting there on top of my desk and thinking “I can finally be an atheist, I can finally watch glee, I can finally enjoy the things I like without feeling guilty”. I recall anticipating my parent’s divorce, and when I told my eldest sister this, she agreed, saying she felt the same way. We were excited for them to split, neither of us had ever been satisfied with the life we led when they were together. Little did I know, it would start the next chapter of my life – one of difficulties, of neglect, where I could discover who I was.

Things Are Over Between Us

forgotten, fuck you, Future, Her, Hope, Jealousy, Journal, Memories, New, no trust, Personal

I should have done this the first time I was hurt by you. Breaking up with a friend is always hard.

At this current moment in time, I don’t know if I will actually send this to you, or just post it on my blog. I am hurt. I have been hurt. The first time I recall being hurt by you was last year, I can’t recall a date, but I know what happened. You invited seemingly everyone but myself over to watch Lord of the Rings. Your mom posted about it on facebook, I saw it that night. Wondering where I had gone wrong, what I had done to you, I cried myself to sleep that night. I had considered you a good friend, I would have invited you to something, which is why it stung.

In that moment, I realized I appreciated our relationship more than you did. I realized that you guys probably didn’t miss my presence or realize you had forgotten me, or if you had, I wondered if I should blame myself.

I don’t know if you’re aware of  this, but when we were in San Francisco, I was supposed to be in your room instead of Avery. I asked the teachers if they wouldn’t do that to me because the idea of having to share a room with you, Kodai, and Siena sounded like a living hell. I knew I would be left out, I knew I would end up hating the trip, and I wasn’t going to have that happen after I had worked so hard to get there. It was my last hooray with my friends and I didn’t want to spend it in your trios shadow.. So, I asked the teachers for a room change, and I honestly had never felt like such a fucking burden because Eric, Peggy, and Kristin all hated me the rest of the trip. They thought I was just wanting to be with my friends, that I was being a little baby and didn’t want to socialize. But the truth? I would have accepted a room with Jo and Eunice if that meant I didn’t have to spend an agonizing weekend in the shadow.

I’m sure you must be aware of what a clique you, Kodai, and siena had become last year. You guys hurt a lot of people. Made a lot of people feel left out and unwanted. I know that Leslie, Makena, and Fiona felt that way at least.

I didn’t get a pixie cut because of you guys. I really wanted to, but after you and Kodai both did it, I didn’t want to seem like I was trailing along after you guys in hopes that you would accept me. I’m really fucking happy I didn’t do that.

In fact, the problems didn’t even stop there. I’m not saying that what your mom does is your issue, but she has blatantly ignored both riley and I on a few occasions, which really hasn’t helped the Locke’s case.

My point is, I think you and I stopped being friends a long time ago. I think that whatever we have left is not a friendship, but I will think back on when we were friends fondly. I have been really hurt by you, mostly by being excluded, and now with whatever is happening between you and Cadence.. I’m pretty sure our friendship has officially ended. It should have a long time ago.

At The End of The Day

Blame, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, feminism, forgotten, fuck you, Future, home, Hope, Humanist, Journal, no trust, Personal

Who does Bryan think he is? To come downstairs and start raising his voice at me in my house, on the one day I have off from school and other activities.

Sure, our house wasn’t clean, but I was going to clean it. I made a To Do list and cleaning the whole house was on there..

But instead of rationally discussing the fact that there was a dirty pan on the stove and the floor could stand to be swept, he yelled at me. He threw something across the room and saying “go ahead and run away” as I packed up my things so I could do my homework in peace.

On that note, I shouldn’t have to fucking worry about being able to do my homework on a saturday when it’s just me there with my moms boyfriend. I shouldn’t have to think twice about having to come home when it will just be him and I there. He can’t control his temper, he has anger outbursts. He spanks kendra out of anger when Riley and I have expressed our discomfort with it, when we have talked to our mom and told her how we feel.

I shouldn’t have to feel like my mom won’t listen to me because she will automatically take sides with Bryan. She doesn’t hear what I have to say, or she does but she doesn’t care that her boyfriend makes my life uncomfortable. That he makes me uncomfortable in my own home.

I am valid in feeling like my mother’s boyfriend should not raise his voice at me when I am alone with him. I am valid in feeling that my mom does not care about my emotions when she sides with him. Just because my mom does not agree with me, just because my mom does not hear me, just because my mom is choosing to stay with a man who has hurt all of her children, does not make my opinions, feelings, or ideas invalid.

At the end of the day, I am just a sixteen year old who wants her mother to care about her.

At the end of the day, I am just a sixteen year old who could really use a parent with good judgement.

At the end of the day, I just want to feel like someone has my best interest at heart.