I just got back from Sam’s house. Not my first boyfriend, just this guy from Tinder.
I finished the bottle of scotch earlier. So I don’t have that emotional crutch anymore, which kinda makes me mad. It was a reliable way to numb the pain for a bit. Helped to feel better, even if just for a short time.
It also made me feel a lot worse, though. I feel like it worsened my suicidal thoughts and actions. I hadn’t tried to do anything in months, and yet I found myself with my feet out the window, sitting on the sill, tempting fate and teasing my will to live more than once.
I’m depressed. I was depressed before the breakup. Things just got a lot worse after. I was using T as a crutch before the alcohol. When I didn’t have him anymore, I turned to substances.
I had a problem before I was drinking, and I had a problem before the breakup. I just don’t know what that problem is. Mental health?
My attachment style to people is unhealthy. Tonight Sam was telling me that he felt like I was completely detached from him and the moment. He knows I’m moving but we also were sort of doing this thing where we cuddled and were being cute together. Like he kissed my forehead and shit. He wanted it to be more emotional, and so did I- but I am not ready for emotional sex again. I am not ready for romantic interactions again. I’m still counting the days since the breakup. I am not ready. My heart still aches, I’m still getting randomly sad and angry, and I have no clue when that will be over. At least I’m eating again. And I can do my makeup without crying it off. But I am sad.
I didn’t just lose a boyfriend when T and I broke up. I lost someone I felt was my best friend. I lost that sense of security that comes with being in a relationship.
But I have to remember how many times I considered breaking up with him myself. How many times I tied my shoes, about to leave and annoyed at how insensitive T was, thinking we should break up. It happened a lot. Or when he completely misunderstood me and my life, which happened quite a lot. He never got me, he never understood who I was. My background, my struggles, all of it was downplayed at some point. Even my achievements up here were downplayed, and I knew it. He downplayed my apartment, my school, my barista certification. He was not supportive of those things. He actively put me down for some of it, even though he denied doing it. I don’t think he was aware of the shit things he said, but I noticed it all.
It doesn’t go unnoticed when your hard work is made fun of. Or when I was finally on my own, in my own apartment and supporting myself, and someone tells me it’s a shit place. Of course, I remembered that.
Things were not all sunshine and rainbows when we dated. It just gave me a sense of security in what I was doing with my life.
I need to find that security within myself and not with a guy. Especially not with a guy who doesn’t keep me in the loop about major life decisions.
I should have realized earlier on that he had no intention of keeping me around, he acted like those decisions didn’t involve me at all. He knew. I mean, I did realize it. I chose to ignore it. I chose to trust him. He violated that trust. So what, does that just mean I’m currently fucked? My trust was already violated by Riley. Now add T to the list.
And Sam wondered why I had trust issues. Why I couldn’t stay the night at his place. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t even trust myself.