re·li·a·bil·i·ty

Blame, Humanist, Journal, no trust, Partner, Personal, Relationships

I just got back from Sam’s house. Not my first boyfriend, just this guy from Tinder.

I finished the bottle of scotch earlier. So I don’t have that emotional crutch anymore, which kinda makes me mad. It was a reliable way to numb the pain for a bit. Helped to feel better, even if just for a short time.

It also made me feel a lot worse, though. I feel like it worsened my suicidal thoughts and actions. I hadn’t tried to do anything in months, and yet I found myself with my feet out the window, sitting on the sill, tempting fate and teasing my will to live more than once.

I’m depressed. I was depressed before the breakup. Things just got a lot worse after. I was using T as a crutch before the alcohol. When I didn’t have him anymore, I turned to substances.

I had a problem before I was drinking, and I had a problem before the breakup. I just don’t know what that problem is. Mental health?

My attachment style to people is unhealthy. Tonight Sam was telling me that he felt like I was completely detached from him and the moment. He knows I’m moving but we also were sort of doing this thing where we cuddled and were being cute together. Like he kissed my forehead and shit. He wanted it to be more emotional, and so did I- but I am not ready for emotional sex again. I am not ready for romantic interactions again. I’m still counting the days since the breakup. I am not ready. My heart still aches, I’m still getting randomly sad and angry, and I have no clue when that will be over. At least I’m eating again. And I can do my makeup without crying it off. But I am sad.

I didn’t just lose a boyfriend when T and I broke up. I lost someone I felt was my best friend. I lost that sense of security that comes with being in a relationship.

But I have to remember how many times I considered breaking up with him myself. How many times I tied my shoes, about to leave and annoyed at how insensitive T was, thinking we should break up. It happened a lot. Or when he completely misunderstood me and my life, which happened quite a lot. He never got me, he never understood who I was. My background, my struggles, all of it was downplayed at some point. Even my achievements up here were downplayed, and I knew it. He downplayed my apartment, my school, my barista certification. He was not supportive of those things. He actively put me down for some of it, even though he denied doing it. I don’t think he was aware of the shit things he said, but I noticed it all.

It doesn’t go unnoticed when your hard work is made fun of. Or when I was finally on my own, in my own apartment and supporting myself, and someone tells me it’s a shit place. Of course, I remembered that.

Things were not all sunshine and rainbows when we dated. It just gave me a sense of security in what I was doing with my life.

I need to find that security within myself and not with a guy. Especially not with a guy who doesn’t keep me in the loop about major life decisions.

I should have realized earlier on that he had no intention of keeping me around, he acted like those decisions didn’t involve me at all. He knew. I mean, I did realize it. I chose to ignore it. I chose to trust him. He violated that trust. So what, does that just mean I’m currently fucked? My trust was already violated by Riley. Now add T to the list.

And Sam wondered why I had trust issues. Why I couldn’t stay the night at his place. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t even trust myself.

Advertisements

ne·glect

Blame, Domestic Violence, Failure, Family, forgotten, Journal, Memories, no trust, Partner, Perfect, Personal, Relationships

Recently I have been feeling depressed. Most notably when I mess up at work or think about how my relationship with T will likely end.

As much as I like him, I can’t shake this feeling that he’ll cheat or something that will hurt me and then I’ll be put in this position that makes me feel like a hopeless girlfriend like I’ve felt before. I’ve tried really hard to be the perfect girlfriend for him, harder than I have ever tried before. I would say that this is the most effort I have put into a relationship – because I want it to work.

There have been times when I have felt very close to him and others when we were laying right next to each other and I may as well have been alone. But I’ve felt like that with everyone, which makes me wonder if that aching sense of abandonment is more about my parents and childhood traumas than my current relationship.

Which brings me to my main point here, I am damaged. I cannot explain the sense of loss that I feel when I cannot make a cappuccino properly, I just know that it happens. It’s illogical, but I have cried because I felt this ache after someone tells me that their drink isn’t light enough. I just can’t do anything right. 

I didn’t have these fears about T before we went to that party together – but I very consciously stopped trusting him completely when that girl walked by and he later told me he had a superficial thing for her. As well as when he drunkenly stared at that girl’s cleavage.

I recognize I am a recent addition to his life, that being in a relationship after being single is a lifestyle change, and I will admit that I have recently checked other guys out- but to do it so blatantly in front of me? It hurt.

After my mom left us I changed. She was only a part of my life on the surface. That slight connection we did have, messaging me and seeing each other once every few months, it made the abandonment I felt hard to distinguish. It wasn’t as if my mom just disappeared one day and I never heard from her again.

Nonetheless, I was abandoned. Physically she was not there, emotionally she was not there, financially she was not there.

I told myself that I was the only one I could ever rely on, and I have ingrained that into who I am today. Self-sufficient, self-made, independent and in no need of help. I was living that lifestyle at fifteen when she left me. That mindset made me push people who cared about me away. I was terrified I would get used to having them as a support system in my life and have to relive the pain of losing my mom.

Aside from Riley, I don’t let people in. I don’t really allow for anyone to become a part of my life that I am emotionally dependent on.

It’s a toxic trait of mine.

So now that I have the opportunity to really let another person in, to let myself have an attachment to T, I hesitate. He has the potential to really hurt me.

He told me that he feels something real between us, and I do too- when I’m not emotionally distancing myself from everything I care about.

Since my parents’ separation, I have had a compulsive desire to please authority figures in my life. Teachers, managers, literally anyone in power over me. I sought out the affirmation that I was doing good from my parents during a critical period of my development, and they gave me nothing. Now I seek it anywhere I can find. Working long hours, being as reliable as I humanly can push myself to be- and any failure feels like a monumental collapse.

I feel a responsibility, too. One to prove that my family line isn’t all flimsy and mentally unsound- it’s why I am in college. I want, no I feel the need, to show that I can achieve greatness. I want to have a real career. I want to have success. But how far will this drive take me before I crash and burn?

I feel the need to be perfect in every aspect of my life. I know I can never meet those expectations.

At the end of everything, I just want closure from the abandonment. I want the affirmation my parents cannot give me.

At The End of The Day

Blame, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, feminism, forgotten, fuck you, Future, home, Hope, Humanist, Journal, no trust, Personal

Who does Bryan think he is? To come downstairs and start raising his voice at me in my house, on the one day I have off from school and other activities.

Sure, our house wasn’t clean, but I was going to clean it. I made a To Do list and cleaning the whole house was on there..

But instead of rationally discussing the fact that there was a dirty pan on the stove and the floor could stand to be swept, he yelled at me. He threw something across the room and saying “go ahead and run away” as I packed up my things so I could do my homework in peace.

On that note, I shouldn’t have to fucking worry about being able to do my homework on a saturday when it’s just me there with my moms boyfriend. I shouldn’t have to think twice about having to come home when it will just be him and I there. He can’t control his temper, he has anger outbursts. He spanks kendra out of anger when Riley and I have expressed our discomfort with it, when we have talked to our mom and told her how we feel.

I shouldn’t have to feel like my mom won’t listen to me because she will automatically take sides with Bryan. She doesn’t hear what I have to say, or she does but she doesn’t care that her boyfriend makes my life uncomfortable. That he makes me uncomfortable in my own home.

I am valid in feeling like my mother’s boyfriend should not raise his voice at me when I am alone with him. I am valid in feeling that my mom does not care about my emotions when she sides with him. Just because my mom does not agree with me, just because my mom does not hear me, just because my mom is choosing to stay with a man who has hurt all of her children, does not make my opinions, feelings, or ideas invalid.

At the end of the day, I am just a sixteen year old who wants her mother to care about her.

At the end of the day, I am just a sixteen year old who could really use a parent with good judgement.

At the end of the day, I just want to feel like someone has my best interest at heart.