Poetry Time

beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, feminism, Future, Her, Journal, Love, New, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Poetry, Relationships, Sexuality, Small Things, Smiling

There, across the room,
Short brown hair, she laughs like an angel.
Angsty jacket, tapping her foot elegantly,
Her curves, outlined by the white t-shirt she wears.

Perfection, softly smiling – stealing glances,
Hoping to not be caught.
Her voice is like honey, or maybe silk,
the way it graces my ears.

Her eyes are deeper, more fulfilling than
fucking outer space. Remind me of the stars,
everything they’ve seen.

I dream of holding her hand, feeling
her breath on my neck, lips against mine.
Look into my eyes. Look.

 

Advertisements

Life Update: New Feelings

beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, feminism, fuck you, Future, Her, Hope, Journal, Love, Loving Life, New, Partner, Perfect, Personal, Relationships, Sexuality, Small Things, Smiling

It’s been awhile since I posted, mostly because my laptop stopped working. I’m beginning to realize that I post on here so I can look back at my life with a roughly complete set of documents on how I felt at a particular point in time.

It’s interesting, seeing how I’ve struggled in the past compared to how I struggle now. The recurring issues, what I was once passionate about – the things that got me angry or made me feel loved.

I currently have feelings for someone. It’s really bad. Kind of taking over my life. But that’s always how I can tell that it won’t become something – I’ve never dated someone I was infatuated with. It’s just never happened.

But jesus she’s beautiful. Distracting, even. I find myself forgetting what we’re doing in class because of the way she taps her foot or smiles. I’m worried she only sees me as a friend, though.

Last year, we entertained the idea of being something – which she couldn’t have forgot (could she??). We were talking for like a week before she told me she wasn’t over her ex. So I let it go and went on with my life and kept talking to Charley to pass the time. That worked all summer – but now I’m back at school and have two classes with the most beautiful person on campus, she is impossible for me to ignore.

I want to know everything about her, the details about her childhood, her greatest fear in life, I want to hang out on Saturdays in our pajamas while she plays video games and just hang out. I would be happy just to be in her presence. She’s talented, beautiful, funny, and just plain perfect. I have a feeling that my sister and close friends are tired of hearing me talk about her, and I understand because I’ve definitely been there with someone – when they just won’t shut the fuck up about a person that they’ve liked for ages but never pursued anything with.

It’s just annoying.

But the thing is, I am worried to pursue anything because we tried things out like four months ago and she let me down easy. The thing about not being over her ex is 50% chance a way of not hurting me while also getting me to go away or 50% the truth. SO, if by chance it is the first option, I don’t want to make a fool out of myself by declaring an undying love for her beauty and mind when she is totally not feeling it.

I’d rather keep my mouth shut and slowly die inside as I grow more and more fond of her. I’ve been rejected so many times, I probably couldn’t count. Actually, I could – I am just happy naive. But my point is that I don’t want to be rejected again. My heart couldn’t take it, not when I feel this strongly. I’d probably be bed ridden for a week and not be able to eat again.

She does talk to me, though. Which is something. She waved at me the first day of class, and talks to me before class too. I wonder if she can tell how flustered I get? Or if I blush.. I’ve been known to blush before.

My heart physically aches when I think about her. This is so shitty and also so fucking amazing.

Why do I feel this strongly when I like someone?

God. It feels like something is wrong with me because everyone else seems to just ease into relationships. They go so goddamn smoothly and no one is put in an awkward position of liking the other person more.

Why can’t I be so fucking smooth? Just enough for her to realize I’m not a total nut job.

Even though I sorta am

She said she liked my art today.. Probably just being nice, because what else would have been a polite response? I shouldn’t let it get to my head.

FUck. Why do I have to respond 2 minutes after I get a goddamn snapchat from her every time? She takes like 20 minutes, but I’m over here, Ms. Needy Asf, and responding lightning fast. No wonder she is acting unsure – I’m way too clingy. Fuck. I need to be more detached, don’t I? Show that I’m not gonna be a psycho bitch…

I hate when I write posts like this and I think about how the future me knows how this all pans out. Like, do I go psycho and smash her car windows while screaming and crying because we dated for a year and I found out she never loved me? Do I confess my feelings to be rejected and told she isn’t that into me, and we’re better off as two gay people who are just friends? Or maybe we move to Hawaii and live there until we’re 100 and raise chickens on a property overlooking the ocean and drink coffee early in the morning as we watch the sunrise? I kinda like that last option a lot. Perhaps I never say anything. I just let this perpetual mood swing go on until we graduate and go our separate ways in life. I hate that thought, of moving on with my life and just having her not be a part of my everyday life.. Shit, and I felt like a three day weekend was going to be rough.

I really have feelings for this girl, but I don’t know what the fuck to do right now.

I Dream of Saints

bisexual, feminism, Her, Humanist, Journal, Love, Personal, Relationships, Smiling

Here I am, writing again. Releasing my experiences through my fingertips and into the vast internet to be consumed. This time I express conflict. My perplexed nature as I encounter this modern sensuality. Conflict of my mind and actions – this disassociation of my heart and psyche.

I see her, and I am permeating with joy. Though I do not love her. At least not in any measure that I have ever encountered. This is a new, colorful feeling.

Last night I dreamed of her. Meeting at night, we kissed – but when my mom caught us she said she would find what I loved most and take it from me, simply to make my life miserable.

There is this fascination that follows her – it’s alluring and seductive. Nearly magnetic.

Trying to take things as slowly as possible, I’ve agreed that we shouldn’t seek any relationship. It would be a lie to say I didn’t care for her, though. She inspires me, invokes curiosity. Happiness.

Nonetheless, I want to be single. I rush into relationships far too often, and find myself regretting it 9 times out of 10. Allowing for my emotions to fog my judgement. Trying to avoid regret and heartbreak, I’m allowing for the world to let things fall into place.

The Gender Template

beautiful, bisexual, equality, feminism, fuck you, Humanist, Journal, school, science

The following is a blog post I wrote from my AP Lang class project on gender:

Gender. The word itself brings back memories of baby showers decorated in all blue, sitting through long sermons about how ladies should conduct themselves, and the rigorous dress codes ladies had to follow for recitals (damn you, toe seams).annoyed ugh eye roll eyeroll

Typically, I’m the kind who defines a concept through a logical explanation (thanks, scientific method), but gender cannot be explained biologically. (or can it..?)

Yes, yes, I know. Females have an extra chromosome, we have different hormones – there are biological differences between the sexes. But gender and sex are quite different, despite being so closely correlated.

So, what is gender if it cannot be explained through hard science?
How can we define it if there is no definitive aspects of what makes someone a guy or a girl?

I’ve come to the conclusion that we don’t have the tools necessary to understand gender – yet. As a firm believer in science, I believe that given the proper tools, the scientific method, and the right mindset, someone can make sense out of the world’s “phenomenon”.

Cue X-Files theme:

the truth is out there

But this is no X-File, gender can be X-Plained one way or another.

Gender roles are culturally instilled in humans all over the world; in the American culture men are expected to conform to the masculine stigma, which is: angry, emotionally out of touch, and intimidating.

We saw this from the gendered razor commercials, to the way John acts in The Yellow Wallpaper, by Charlotte Perkins Stetson – cold, stern, and logical.

Women on the other hand are expected to submit to a man’s anger–even if it is a complete stranger–it is assumed that every woman is emotionally in touch with herself, and that she possesses this “motherly instinct”.

But I honestly don’t. I don’t feel like I have a maternal instinct – I never have. In fact, I don’t plan on having my own children because I simply don’t want them.

We are, as women, expected to play dumb. To allow men to explain things to us that our teeny little brains just can’t comprehend. (Culturally, not specifically your uncle Eric who lives in Oklahoma – but maybe him too).

Party Over Here comedy haha hilarious nicole byer

Because women do everything for them dudes

While I can see how gender roles have shaped our society, they have created this imbalance between the relationship men and women have. Gender is just this illusion humans have used to describe anatomy – much like how women doctors were considered witches in the renaissance.

We can’t explain it, so it must be sinful, dark, and wrong.

I would like to argue that women are domestic because we are conditioned to be that way. Just as men have been conditioned to like mechanics, agriculture, and football – or whatever it is that the masculine archetype enjoys.

I mean, think about it.

Girls are handed dolls to play with at a young age, I probably got my first doll before I was two years old. Whereas, guys are given toy trucks and Legos.

The way I see it, those physical differences in our worlds between guys and girls at such a critical point in our development have to make some sort of impact.

If we give guys dolls at a young age, then they might become even more “domestic” or lean toward care giving.
If we give girls Legos at a young age, then they might become more logical. 

We are shaped into the people we become, and this is pretty evident once we find out the gender of an unborn child because we start painting their room pink or blue, we buy ribbons or blue onesies based off of a sonogram telling us that kids’ sex. Think about that for a second. We systematically pick from two different colors for our unborn children based off their suspected gender.

I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with this little cultural oddity, but.. We shouldn’t allow for it to define who we are, and if we’re gonna keep it around, maybe add a few more colors.

Though, as we saw in the TedTalk by Alice Dreger, scientists suspect that there are more than just two sexes, so wouldn’t that also mean our idea of having two genders is outdated as well? Maybe we should select a few more colors off our palette for the genders we’ve ignored?

Of course, that’s not the end of the story (when is it?).

(if you don’t think Jason Segel is cute, then we can’t be friends)

Who else has had AP Psych with Hogan? If you have, then you’ve probably heard about the John/Joan case in the 1950’s – if you haven’t here’s a link to an article on the case study. 

If you’re like me, you didn’t click the link – so I’ll expand on what it’s about. Basically, a baby boy went through a tragic accident in which he lost his genitalia, his parents decided to raise him as a girl and never tell him he was born a dude. So, they raise Bruce as Brenda and he never feels like he is in his own skin (poor guy) – and he goes through some emotional turmoil and his mom finally tells him he isn’t actually a Brenda but a Bruceplot twiiiist.

This particular story is unique because we can see what happens when someone grows up thinking they’re one gender when they are biologically another – you might be like “hey, Allysa, that’s supporting the other side and is excluding the transgender community” which is why it’s important to say that we can also see stories of transgender people who have had sex changes, and they are fully satisfied with that.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that this is more about how we perceive our biological sex. Like, you can embrace it if you desire or you can reject it and whatever you choose is cool.

Little Bruce Reimer had no idea that he was born a biological boy, but he knew that being a girl was not for him. Many trans people know their biological sex, and yet they feel like someone else entirely.

People tend to figure out who they are, whether or not they identify with their born sex as their gender. Even Alice Dreger can admit that biology plays a role in our behavior and gender,

“there might be something, on average, different about female brains from male brains that makes us more attentive to deeply complex social relationships, and more attentive to taking care of the vulnerable.”

And I can step back, look at where she is coming from, look at her evidence, and say ‘I can see how that could be the case’.

The only way that we will come to any conclusive idea on gender is if we listen to each other, see where the other side is coming from, and consider all the evidence.

Obviously, no one is the same way.

Girls can be feminine.
Guys can be feminine.
Girls can be masculine.
Guys can be masculine.

Gender is a mixture of nature and nurture, it’s conditioning and biology – why limit our answer to “it’s only this” or “it’s only that”, which not only puts a stopper on our way of thinking, but it also puts a halt on advancements in our culture.

We can have our cake and eat it too, just so long as we are respectful of each other.

So, be respectful. Don’t be rude. And like, if you have a problem with someone else’s gender, ask yourself why you care so much about something that has very little to do with you.

My Perfect Partner

Athiest, beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, Domestic Violence, equality, Family, feminism, Future, Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Memories, Partner, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Religion, Small Things, Smiling

My perfect partner.. They would be assertive, taller than me, about a year older than me, pretty fit or small, kiss really well, their occupation would be in a field of science, they would be a mathematical person with soft emotions, we would share the same taste in music and humor, they would be atheist or buddhist. Preferably would have brown or dark hair, would wear leather shoes (probably oxfords or sandals). They would play chess, read for leisure, cook occasionally. High libido, masculine but not necessarily male. They would love theatre like Shakespeare and have wanderlust. They would aspire to know everything they could, never stop learning. They would love foggy weather, as well as the rainy days. They would share my nerdy side, loving Lord of the Rings and Sherlock as much as me. They would understand that I have many emotional issues, including but not limited to PTSD, depression, anxiety, and binge eating. They would understand that sometimes I really just need to be left alone or have things that are just mine and don’t share. They would let me go through everything I need to – like dying/cutting my hair, losing or gaining weight, that sometimes I get jealous and I can’t help it. They wouldn’t mind me spam texting them when I feel like it, that I can over analyze things because of my past. They wouldn’t mind that I can overreact to things, that sometimes I need weeks or months to just cry. Sometimes I can’t sleep. They would understand that I have a really difficult time loving people, that I have a really difficult time trusting something that isn’t fantasy or an animal. They would understand that I am a person who fluctuates in everything: emotions, weight, ideas. I’m constantly changing and don’t like settling. They would understand that I have a very hard time trusting men specifically, that I have a lot of triggers, that when I love I love fully and will commit like nothing else in the entire world because they are mine and they understand me. They would need to be passionate and caring, interesting but not a douche, kind but not delusionally so. They would never leave me. They would be really sexual, enjoy the mystery of large cities and live in one with me. Their last name wouldn’t start with an S because I don’t want my initials to be ASS (which sucks because I have a tendency to attract and be attracted to people with surnames that begin with S). They would be down for adventure at any hour. They wouldn’t let me get stuck in my ruts where I forget what I love..

Most importantly, I want to be attracted to them in the way that I fall in love instantly. The kind that makes me crazy, the kind that I can’t sleep over. Where I yearn to know everything about them and once I know that, I want to learn more.

They would be feminist, an ally or part of the LGBTQ community, they wouldn’t support anything anti-LGBT, they would understand the importance of spreading the knowledge of domestic violence. They would love me as much as I love them and I wouldn’t doubt it. They would like small dogs and cats, enjoy poetry and a cup of tea. They would own professional clothing – as a male they would wear a navy suit, as a woman a pencil skirt and blazer.. They would hold my hand when we were shopping, they would hug me often.. I would never doubt them.

This person makes me believe in love. They make me warm and happy inside.

Fake Faced Cunt

anti feminism, Atheism, Awareness, beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, equality, feminism, fuck you, Her, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, Personal, school, Sexuality, Uncategorized

So I might have mentioned that I was going on a school trip to San Francisco, and if I didn’t, well.. My bad.

But I went. It was my second time there and it was really fun.

But The Little Cunt-Faced Bitch also was there. She and I had a few tense moments. I really do not like her, and I’ve tried to sort out why that is.. The best conclusion that I have made is explained best in this message I sent to Cadence about her.

“I’m not trying to convince you that you shouldn’t like her, but I am trying to help you understand why I don’t. She seems fake to me. I find her repulsive because she seems very shallow and like a people pleaser – which is annoying because I don’t dance around the truth, I don’t hide from what I know is true or what I witness. When I see signs that someone isn’t healthy for me, I get out. And I warned her about Caleb – how he gave me bad vibes – and she continued to date him until it bit her in the ass and even then, she made it sound so negative that I didn’t like him. Like, GIRL. I was trying to help you because I could tell he was an ass wipe. But nooooo – then I was just a bitchy girl sticking my nose in her business. When in reality, I was just being the independent and open person that I am and voicing my opinions because I don’t DANCE AROUND WHAT I SEE. Also, she uses guys to get confidence – for instance you, Thierry, Toby, and random dudes who she meets on the street (which I witnessed at least twice on our trip). I find that trait frustrating because its dependency. I fucking hate dependent people. So yeah. Those are some reasons why I don’t like her. She seems fake and she uses people.”

Copy and pasted, exactly as I sent to him.

So yeah, she got a septum ring, which I’m the only person at my school who wears one, and it’s a big deal that I did. So I felt like it was really fake of her to wear one when she doesn’t understand the meaning behind why people do. The image it creates, it’s not supposed to loosely mean powerful or anything like that… It’s feminism for some, it’s empowerment, it’s being LGBTQ or an ally…. I felt like she was degrading and making the septum ring worthless and stripping it of it’s meaning by wearing one.

She’s a straight, white, christian girl who lives in a home that’s VERY well off… I mean, they take trips all the time and get new clothes, her parents are together. She has an allowance. She has it a whole fucking lot easier than most people. That’s why I scoffed at her, called her fake (and also a bitch..) to her fake ass face.

She doesn’t get it, I resent her. I hate her.

If anyone reading this would like to give their two cents, offer a possible explanation of why I feel the way I do about her, that’d be nice.

Life Update: Moving, Gay Stuff, and Whatnot

bernie, bernie2016, bisexual, Family, forgotten, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Personal, sex, Sexuality, Small Things, Uncategorized

I took a leap of faith in moving, and now that I am here, I feel lost. I am home alone most of the time and my days blur together. When my sister is here with me, we do things. In fact we go all out.

I’ve been to Santa Barbara, Go Kart racing, and a Bernie Sanders rally in Santa Maria #bernie2016

That was so amazing, getting to see the man himself just feet away from myself..

But when she isn’t here, I’m left to my thoughts. I can’t go anywhere because I’m broke. I don’t have a job over here, and my funds are running low.. I can’t afford to go to Starbucks everyday like I used to if I don’t have money flow.

So I watch TV, I eat, I go on walks here and there. But I am still alone. I have started Drivers Ed, and intend on having a permit by the end of summer, but right now it doesn’t help my situation.

I miss having a boyfriend’s house to hang out at and someone to chill out with and eat junk food together with.

This next time, I just hope that I choose someone better than the last two.

Oh, that reminds me. I had sex. With a girl. And I also came out to my mom (in a taco bell drive through, on accident). But those are stories for another post.

Anyway.. I moved, and so the people that would have been potential relationships are now not and I don’t even know where I would meet people here. I probably won’t meet anyone for four more years, if I take a gap year, because it sounds like I’ll be doing school online and classes on a college campus.. So dating won’t really happen.

I guess I’ll be lonely for a bit longer.

I left

Babies, beautiful, bisexual, Family, forgotten, Future, Hope, Journal, Love, Memories, Peace, Personal, school, Uncategorized

I write, I move, I lose people I love, and the world goes on.

I finally made the decision to move to my mom’s, and it took me two years to finally come to terms with that. I knew it was what I needed to do, that all roads led here. It took that time to realize it would be the best, that it would make me happy.

I’ve had to juggle houses for so long, it doesn’t feel right staying in one place. I had to say goodbye to places and people. I’ve said goodbye to a lot of stuff, but the valley has been the hardest on me.

My last meeting, the last time I saw my Education Coordinator. He gave me a book, he told me about how he watched my growth in school. He handed me a folder of some of my most notable high school work. I cried.

I went to the parking lot, wishing I could pause time and say goodbye to every last thing there. Every place I had a special moment. Wishing I could give eternal hugs to every person I had come to know there. I cried.

My mom drove me out to my hometown, a little country town that’s mostly orange trees and cow pastures. We drove past my first house, and my second, third, and fourth. We passed people we once knew, but don’t anymore. Passed my first love’s house, he was out on his porch. Didn’t recognize us. We cried.

We kept driving, stopping in the town where I had been living these last three years. We stopped by my grandparent’s. Then to this mexican food establishment, I got some of my favorite tacos in all of the valley. Walked by the place Cadence works, by the place Megan’s mom works. By the old residence of a woman I knew who had to give it up because her cancer got too bad. I walked the streets of a town I had always known, to get in a car and drive to a city where I only knew my mom’s condo and a single barista at starbucks. I got in that car and I cried.

During that long car ride,I didn’t think about ex boyfriends or how I am plagued with PTSD. I didn’t think about how much I hated how my grandparents treated me, or that I hadn’t come out to my mom yet.

I thought about how I was leaving behind the only place I had ever lived or grown to love.

I was leaving behind my small town, one that I was so sure would be where I lived for years to come when I had been young. I imagined having a family and working there, I imagined where I would get married there, who I would invite..

But just like how I left Elderwood, and those people forgot me, I left Visalia. Pretty soon everyone I was close to, they will move on. We will remember things fondly, but they won’t be important anymore.

Now my friends are all hours away from me. Most of my family, too. I sleep on a sofa in a tiny condo and I sit alone and watch tv. I’m really lonely, I’m really frustrated, and I don’t feel loved like I had expected.

In a year and a half I’ll be an adult. In two years I’ll be off to college. In six to eight I’ll probably be graduating. From there, I’ll live my life. I’ll get a job, make friends, maybe even have a family. There will be holidays and deaths, births and marriages.. But I will never forget the day I left my childhood behind.

Spanked

Atheism, bisexual, dads, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, fuck you, god, Humanist, Journal, Memories, Religion, science, Uncategorized

So much has happened recently that I’m not sure where to begin, but I had a major flashback recently that I had forgotten about (concerning my one and only father).

It was about three years ago, a few months before we left him. I had done something that deserved punishment, and he thought it would be a good disciplinary action to spank me, his thirteen year old daughter, who had obviously been going through puberty (due to my ever-growing breasts).

He bent me over his knee, pulled down my pants, and spanked me.

I was so uncomfortable, and not because I was being punished, because I always took that with a grain of salt. I understood when I had done something wrong, and that the only way to get over those issues was punishment for them  (so I had thought).

No, this was a different kind of discomfort. This kind was different, it made me want to squeeze my legs shut as tight as they could go. At the ripe age of thirteen, I felt like I had been violated, like my father had no right to be touching my bare ass.

But at the same time, I couldn’t do anything about it. If I had protested, I would have had more spankings, or been told that I was trying to get out of punishment.

It’s memories like these that make me want to have that man erased from my mind forever. I feel so gross thinking about it, like I need to wash myself.

And then  it makes me angry, how was he allowed to do that to me? Why couldn’t something have stopped it? Why did he think that was fucking okay?

I have so much inside me that wants to come out.

I find myself feeling like screaming when I think about everything going on, about all the feelings I have that I’m not allowed to express outside my bedroom.

What the hell am I supposed to do?  I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m sad, I want to feel comfortable outside my bedroom door. But I don’t.

I can’t be myself as soon as I step out my door. I have to put on a stupid-ass christian face. I have to act like I’m not a part of the LGBTQ community, like I am not a Bernie supporter, like I don’t like eating organic and believe that global warming is ACTUALLY GOING ON, like atheism doesn’t make any sense and Bill Nye is an ass instead of a scientist, all because I know they wouldn’t accept it.

I wish I could say I didn’t care about being accepted, but I honestly think most people do care, a lot.

We all want to be accepted at least a little bit, and when people you live with don’t, it’s hard to come out about it, to say you’re something other than the social norm.

 

Life Update: Ranting

Atheism, bisexual, Church, Family, fuck you, Future, god, Hope, Humanist, Personal, Religion, Small Things

I’ve been dealing with numerous problems recently, but the most prominent to me right now is my family. To be more specific, not my parents or siblings, it’s my aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents.

They’re all fucking idiots. Trump supporting, anti-intellectuals who give me the worst headache ever and I’m not sure I can handle being their blood. In fact, when I move out of their house, I swear I’m never going to talk to my grandpa again. He’s such a sexist asshole, I hate hearing his voice in the morning right when I wake up and how he listens to Talk Radio in the afternoon when he picks me up from school.

I think I would have less of a problem with my Nana, but she has been stifled for so long, I believe she’s forgotten who she is. She got married right out of high school at 19, and was kicked out of christian-college for being married, and then proceeded to have four children, and now takes care of her grand-children and cooks and forgets to clean (which my grandpa refuses to do because he’s a man and I honestly believe he doesn’t know how or where to start if he were going to), so my grandpa gets onto my sister and I about cleaning messes we took no part in making, like his juicing supplies and fucking dog feces that his damn dog made NOT MINE.

And right now he is standing outside my door knocking, but I’m in the front room and don’t care if he thinks I’m in there ignoring him.

Have you ever met someone and just the octave of their voice made you hate them? But you act sweet and nice, like it doesn’t bother you. Years later, you still deal with the problem but now it’s grown into something a lot bigger, because they voiced their heavily right-wing opinions about women and how they are physically weaker than men and it’s “just science”, like how can someone hold such an archaic opinion? Sure, women sometimes are built smaller than men but what about those who aren’t? The british actress Gwendoline Christie, for example. She’s a naturally tall and buff woman who could probably take most men out. But, according to my grandpa, women can’t be like that. That’s not natural.

Of course, he doesn’t know I’m bisexual or an Atheist (though, I’m sure they have their suspicions) even with my “cover job” as a sunday school nursery worker/teacher, and I accidently let it out that I like Bernie Sanders at a family dinner, so they now know I’m a liberal* and my being a feminist is something I just cannot hide. I just want to go somewhere where I don’t have to hide anymore.

Once I move, I swear I’m changing my facebook to who I really am. I’m going to changed my religious views and repost those bernie sanders pictures and do EVERYTHING that is ME. I can’t wait, honestly. I will feel so liberated and free. I want to be just about anywhere but with my extended family because they make me hate myself. They don’t love me, only when I fit their mold. They don’t care about me, my mom, or my sisters. They don’t hide their disapproval of my mom’s boyfriend and guess what… I CAN’T WAIT TO NOT DEAL WITH THEIR SHIT.

My life will be perfect, even if I end up moving into another mobile home, just as long as I don’t have to deal with so much negativity toward me.

It sounds like I’ll be getting my own room, and I’ll be the oldest child in the house, which is both exciting and terrifying (in a good way), but I think I’ll be happy doing the dishes and having a morning routine, having my mom to fold laundry with and have her there when I graduate high school and go off to college. She’ll be there with me when I want to look into colleges and maybe we’ll even tour some together. I am so excited for my future and how bright it will be just having my mom by my side.

I think I will appreciate having her buy me food and paying to get my hair cut 100% more than before. I don’t need a lot to make me happy, but I sure love not having to be financially scared at 16 for college and having to budget just to go hang out and go to see theatre and movies, or even just get starbucks.

I’m gonna have my mom in just around 4-5 months. I can do that. And when I’m there, I want our house to be the happiest and brightest house there is. It’s going to be a bubble of positivity. I’ll go to therapy and get my life together, I’ll be able to start driving and get my mom’s little car. I’ll go to a new school with people who have no idea who I used to be, and the best part is that I won’t have to deal with my extended family’s expectations for me to be their patriotic, right-wing little girl.

Well holy shit, I went to the opposite side of the house to write this while my family was having lunch where I was not invited to join, and then my aunt brought my four year old cousin into the room and yelled and spanked her and then left her there for a time out and I’m just like. Flash backs and shit about being spanked as a kid that really bother me. I understand that it is their form of punishment and I won’t tell them how to raise their kids, but I will never spank my own if I have them. It psychologically messed with me and I don’t like the effects it had on me. It harbors anger toward the person who spanks and then you are told to hold in your true emotions because you’re not allowed to be unhappy. You’re not allowed to show how you really feel, and that causes harm in the long run. I think it’s best if you just let children show how they feel, if that means they’re grumpy and upset, then they are and maybe they should go down for a nap, I don’t know.. It’s just upsetting to see and hear a kid in such discomfort do to the parents own hand. What made it worse was that the mom said that she was angry with her daughter. What if that resonates with her more than all the “I love you’s” she hears and she lays in bed at night and feels unwanted and unloved after all the days she was spanked. I don’t think it’s right.

*After finding out that I was liberal, my aunt said “Well… It was bound to happen, with your going to that hippie school and all…” she made it sound like I had committed a felony!!