Today I woke up with the intent to make things easier on myself. I called out from work because I’m not sleeping well (as in I’m not really getting more than an hour of sleep at a time) plus I’m throwing up still even though I’ve eaten exactly one protein bar in the last seventy-two hours. So I’m literally throwing up water and stomach acid at this point.
I deleted his number, our texts, I removed him on Snapchat and Instagram, I deleted all of the pictures of him and the things we did together. Then I gathered the plants we got together, the hoodie I borrowed from him, the weed and lighters we stole together, and the socks he gave me for my birthday, and I set them aside in one spot so at least it’s consolidated. I don’t know what I’ll do with all of it just yet. I just know that it needs to be in one spot together for a bit.
It hurts, but I don’t need to make myself feel this pain for longer than I have to. I don’t want to live in a delusion thinking we would get back together, because at this point even if he wanted to, it’s ruined. The memories we have together are good memories, but our relationship wasn’t as healthy as I liked to think. We didn’t communicate well. I never warmed up to his family, which felt unnatural. The time we spent together felt stressful toward the end, and I can’t forget the biggest one – he’s seventeen. And in high school.
I don’t need to think about him anymore. I learned a lot about myself and how giving I can be, I learned that given the right person I can be willing to do anything for a relationship. I also learned to trust my instincts, because I wrote numerous times about how I felt like we were going to break up. I knew. I just wanted us to grow old together and be a happy old couple.
I’ll be happy and married to someone happy when I am old, and it won’t be to T, but it will be to someone who gives me the love, affection, attention and thought that I didn’t feel I got enough of from T. He forgot everything, things that mattered to me- and it hurt. He was selfish in our relationship and rarely put me first. I know that I did a lot in the time we weren’t together trying to make sure we could spend quality, uninterrupted time together. I know he didn’t do the same thing.
I never needed him. I do feel like he was an asset to my life, but I never needed him.
I think I deserve someone who treats me better than he did. I think I deserve someone who is actually willing to put effort into a relationship and not just take what they get pleasure from.
Our relationship was dead a long time ago. It definitely could have been fixed, but it died because he didn’t nurture it with me and handled our issues immaturely.
I am drained. but I deserve more.
I will say that for having been single for so long, nearly two years, I know what makes me happy when I am by myself. I don’t need to go on dates or have sex all the time, I don’t need to be hugged by a lover – I need my family, I need my friends, and I need to live a quality life that brings me joy.
He stressed me out more than he made me happy. The first few weeks were all good, but our dynamic changed after that and he wasn’t the same in our relationship.
I am peaceful, I am kind, I deserve to give myself the same love I give a partner. I deserve to write myself love letters and spend quality time with myself. I deserve to feel loved and pampered when I am alone.
He is not my issue anymore. no communication. strained conversations. always distant. arrogance. addiction.
I was willing to stand by him and his decisions, I was willing to be supportive and listen, but he didn’t want that.
He didn’t want it. He is not my issue anymore. I am capable of living a happy life without him or any other guy. I have people who love and support me.
It’s important to acknowledge that I have lost something here, but someone else will eventually replace him. Someone always does.