Moving On

beautiful, Beauty, Journal, Love, Partner, Personal, Relationships

Today I woke up with the intent to make things easier on myself. I called out from work because I’m not sleeping well (as in I’m not really getting more than an hour of sleep at a time) plus I’m throwing up still even though I’ve eaten exactly one protein bar in the last seventy-two hours. So I’m literally throwing up water and stomach acid at this point.

I deleted his number, our texts, I removed him on Snapchat and Instagram, I deleted all of the pictures of him and the things we did together. Then I gathered the plants we got together, the hoodie I borrowed from him, the weed and lighters we stole together, and the socks he gave me for my birthday, and I set them aside in one spot so at least it’s consolidated. I don’t know what I’ll do with all of it just yet. I just know that it needs to be in one spot together for a bit.

It hurts, but I don’t need to make myself feel this pain for longer than I have to. I don’t want to live in a delusion thinking we would get back together, because at this point even if he wanted to, it’s ruined. The memories we have together are good memories, but our relationship wasn’t as healthy as I liked to think. We didn’t communicate well. I never warmed up to his family, which felt unnatural. The time we spent together felt stressful toward the end, and I can’t forget the biggest one – he’s seventeen. And in high school.

I don’t need to think about him anymore. I learned a lot about myself and how giving I can be, I learned that given the right person I can be willing to do anything for a relationship. I also learned to trust my instincts, because I wrote numerous times about how I felt like we were going to break up. I knew. I just wanted us to grow old together and be a happy old couple.

I’ll be happy and married to someone happy when I am old, and it won’t be to T, but it will be to someone who gives me the love, affection, attention and thought that I didn’t feel I got enough of from T. He forgot everything, things that mattered to me- and it hurt. He was selfish in our relationship and rarely put me first. I know that I did a lot in the time we weren’t together trying to make sure we could spend quality, uninterrupted time together. I know he didn’t do the same thing.

I never needed him. I do feel like he was an asset to my life, but I never needed him.

I think I deserve someone who treats me better than he did. I think I deserve someone who is actually willing to put effort into a relationship and not just take what they get pleasure from.

Our relationship was dead a long time ago. It definitely could have been fixed, but it died because he didn’t nurture it with me and handled our issues immaturely.

I am drained. but I deserve more.

I will say that for having been single for so long, nearly two years, I know what makes me happy when I am by myself. I don’t need to go on dates or have sex all the time, I don’t need to be hugged by a lover – I need my family, I need my friends, and I need to live a quality life that brings me joy.

He stressed me out more than he made me happy. The first few weeks were all good, but our dynamic changed after that and he wasn’t the same in our relationship.

I am peaceful, I am kind, I deserve to give myself the same love I give a partner. I deserve to write myself love letters and spend quality time with myself. I deserve to feel loved and pampered when I am alone.

He is not my issue anymore. no communication. strained conversations. always distant. arrogance. addiction. 

I was willing to stand by him and his decisions, I was willing to be supportive and listen, but he didn’t want that.

He didn’t want it. He is not my issue anymore. I am capable of living a happy life without him or any other guy. I have people who love and support me.

It’s important to acknowledge that I have lost something here, but someone else will eventually replace him. Someone always does.

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je ne sais quoi

Beauty, Humanist, Journal, Love, Partner, Personal, Relationships

There might always be a part of me that thinks things are different than they are.

But then there is that part of me that thinks I never even wanted you. That I always just liked the idea of you. Because if things had worked out, our story would have been amazing.

But we didn’t work out. We were never even a thing and yet look at me. I am still writing about you when I am in a perfect relationship – you’re like a disease in my life. A fungus. I can’t get rid of the idea of you, and that feeling I got when I was around you, I still get it. It’s not okay.

I wouldn’t be happy with you and I have to tell myself that. You never loved me. You never fucking loved me. Why do I let myself get so caught up in you? We kissed once- but I loved you for a year.

And then I find out my sister and you have been sneaking around trying to cover up a “friendship” which is a little hard to believe that’s all it is, but I will for my own sake.

I loved you. A bit of me still does, like a piece of burning kindling that exists solely to remind me of the pain I felt from you. It rests in my heart.

Everyone tells me you’re trash, how I could do so much better than you, and maybe they are right. Maybe I just don’t value myself enough.

But I always valued you, in return, I have been dissed and stood up and talked shit on.

I remember the first time I cried over you. The first time you kinda broke me.

I have been too loyal to you. I have given too much of myself to you. You have given me exactly nothing.

The fact is that I have loved you for a long time, Leo. I have loved others too, I love my boyfriend now, but the love I feel for you is like what they write about in books. It’s stronger and resilient and more vivid than the rest. Maybe that’s just because it’s one-sided.

You never tried with me, I deserve better than that, but there’s just something about you and I can’t let go.

ex·ist·ing

Beauty, Journal

I have been so exhausted recently with my new schedule, but I only have twenty days before graduation. Then I will only have to deal with work for three months before college. Three months of Galaxy left. Twenty days of high school. How many people will I be leaving behind? It feels like everything is already changing beyond repair and I was not ready for it.

Good news, though, I am slowly but surely getting over Leo. He becomes less and less attractive to me every time I see him – and I have started viewing him more as a friend than anything else.

I started seeing someone recently – one of my coworkers set me up with their friend. He came over to my place the other night. He is really cute, but I do not want anything serious. I do not think he does either, which is good.

We kissed and it was really nice to feel young.

Moral Dilemma

beautiful, Beauty, Creative Writing, Future, Humanist, Journal, Nature, New, Personal, Poetry

It feels as though the world is lapping at me,
Eating away at my heels as I try to make my way.

Like a rock on at the edge of the ocean,
Never getting a break from the endless torture
That is the ocean’s softly beating wave.

Back is sore, feet bleeding, hands callused
I’ve held on this far, but I was never promised an end.

Not a moment goes by as I brace to the cliff
that letting go isn’t considered,
but if I do, the cliff will fall,
Cascading into the ocean.

Atop this cliff, a child sits, their fate is my decision.
I can hold on, turn into to stone
As the water relentlessly beats me with its salty hand
Or I can let go, and let the ocean guide us into the world
of eternal night.

My Perfect Partner: Revised

Atheism, beautiful, Beauty, equality, Family, feminism, Future, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, New, Partner, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Relationships, science, Small Things, Smiling

About five months ago, on august 1st of 2016, I wrote a post about my perfect partner. While most of it is still true, I wanted to revise it. After going through my last relationship, some updating needed to happen.

My perfect partner would be taller than me, pretty fit or small, kiss really well. Someone who is sexual, and understand the appeal of large cities. Someone who would be down for adventure at any hour. They would remind me of what I love when I am sad. Preferably would have brown or dark hair, would wear leather shoes (probably oxfords or sandals). High libido. They would play chess, read for leisure, cook occasionally. Someone who would appreciate music with foreign lyrics and instrumental pieces. They would have the desire to see the world, to go places. Someone who loves foggy weather, as well as the rainy days. They would share my nerdy side, loving Lord of the Rings, Sherlock, The X-files, or whatever I’m interested in then as much as me. We would share the same taste in music and humor, I mean, a relationship with puns would have to be a good one. They kind of need to love sushi, because it’s literally my favorite. They would be an open-minded person who looks at (and doesn’t ignore) facts, someone who uses reasoning and skepticism to come to conclusions. A critical thinker, an intelligent being. Their occupation would be in a field of science or art, they would be a logical person with soft emotions. They would be passionate and caring, interesting but not a douche, kind but not in a delusional way. Ethically, I would see in them what I aspire to be. They would aspire to know everything they could, never stop learning. Someone who wants to make a change in the world, who is as crazy as I am in thinking that we could actually make a difference – but they don’t let that stop them.

Someone who would understand that I have my many emotional issues, and they wouldn’t guilt me for having them. They would understand that sometimes I need to be loved. Someone who wouldn’t mind my spam texting them, or that I over analyze the simplest of things. They wouldn’t mind that I can overreact to things, because let’s face it, I can make a lot of issues for myself. They would understand that I have a difficult time loving people, that I have a difficult time trusting someone after that trust has been broken. They would understand that I am a person who fluctuates in everything: emotions, weight, ideas. I’m constantly changing and don’t like settling.

Most importantly, we would want to make a relationship together work. We would make the other feel at peace, and loved. There will be no “if we’re still together then”, there would be trust and mutual satisfaction. There wouldn’t be that looming sense that one day we would break up.

I feel the intense desire to be in a long term relationship with someone like this. Surprisingly, nothing drastic has changed in the last five months, but a lot of little things were not the same anymore.

And of course, we would have to love each other.

Things That Make Me Happy

beautiful, Beauty, Future, Her, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Memories, Nature, New, Peace, Personal, Small Things, Smiling

Waking up well rested before 10am
Listening to a song that gives me chills
Seeing a good piece of art
Plants
Dogs that are excited to see me
When my nail polish dries smooth
When the teacher says there’s no homework
Making inside jokes with old friends
Painting with watercolors
When I’ve mastered a song on the piano
The sound of a creek on a warm day
Making forts in orange groves with my friends
Knowing I have no where to be and nothing to do the next day
When I look in the mirror and think I’m beautiful in the morning
Baking
A really good kiss
Hugging for long periods of time
Writing letters to friends
The first cup of coffee in the morning
When it rains, and the smell of dirt roads afterward
Navel Oranges
Cats, when they hold onto your finger and nip at it
The way candle flames dance in the wind
Lemonade during summer
A cold pool
The satisfaction of finishing a book
When I think about everything I have accomplished
New journals
When I’m first falling in love, being obsessed with knowing every detail about the person
Seeing kids play together, making up stories
Doing something outrageously adventurous
Doing what feels right, supporting what feels right
Getting and giving gifts
Christmas – the food, the weather, the friends and family
Sitting by warm fires with my dog, feeling the heat lick at my skin
Camping with my family
Taking hikes in the mountains and seeing new things
Standing in front of the ocean and feeling the breeze catch my hair
When I’m alone and the song I’m making up flows perfectly
Getting out of the shower and all my makeup came off
Fantasizing about traveling the world
When inspiration hits and I do ten projects in one day
When my room is clean and organized
Seeing old happy couples doing simple things together
Watching babies laugh
Fridays
When I feel how much someone cares about me
Learning something interesting
Getting good grades
A good cup of tea
Christmas music
Looking at nature
Loving people
Watching people in big cities go through their day
Looking put together
Organizing messy places
Cleaning something that was really dirty
When I can take care of myself
Seeing happy families
Watching dads spend time with their kids
When someone lets you into their life
Caramels
Outfits that remind me  of why I get dressed in the morning
New jars of peanut butter that’s smooth at the top
Smiling so wide my cheeks hurt, laughing so hard that my ribs ache
Watching people do what they’re passionate about
Making playlists
Wrapping myself in warm fuzzy blankets on cold days
Doing what scares me, what makes me uncomfortable
Being so passionate, loving something so deeply that it never fades
Dark chocolate with sea salt
Attractive people
New bras
When someone understands me
When someone is genuine

Poetry

beautiful, Beauty, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Memories, Nature, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Poetry, school, Small Things, Smiling

Sweet voices, little voices

they wander in the garden.

Saying words that mean so little –

Saying words that mean so much.

Their words traverse through the garden,

they wander aimlessly.

The little voices have little feet

that will carry their bodies far.