Answers in Genesis? More Like: Answers in Wretchedness

Atheism, Athiest, Church, Family, fathers, forgotten, fuck you, god, Humanist, Journal, Memories, Personal, Religion

In the beginning:

In the truck, applying lip gloss. Dad behind the wheel, destination: church.

Fond memories of red berries on the hill, crowned with a cross. White flowers by the doors. Mrs. Hengst’s red lipstick. The grey, musty floors.

Stone mill, tall oak trees. Counting how many times one man could say ‘lord’ in his opening prayer – interesting fact, it was seventy. Being bored shitless during sermons, imaging life beyond those two front doors. Getting on stage to sing the ritual “Jesus Loves You”.

Even then, I knew there was no god answering my prayers. Those ‘answers’? I knew they were coincidence, I asked for easy things – like for the sun to rise tomorrow. I doubted every second, hoping I would find the one true answer.

Blindly believing in faith was not sufficient, my mind would not be satisfied without real answers.

In the end:

I found there were no answers from a God that would end my questioning.

I found that there was no verse I could learn that would make me stop wondering.

I found that I would not be satisfied with unanswered prayers.

I found that the life I had led for thirteen years was a big white lie and if I was wrong… I was prepared to burn in hell for it.

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My Perfect Partner

Athiest, beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, Domestic Violence, equality, Family, feminism, Future, Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Memories, Partner, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Religion, Small Things, Smiling

My perfect partner.. They would be assertive, taller than me, about a year older than me, pretty fit or small, kiss really well, their occupation would be in a field of science, they would be a mathematical person with soft emotions, we would share the same taste in music and humor, they would be atheist or buddhist. Preferably would have brown or dark hair, would wear leather shoes (probably oxfords or sandals). They would play chess, read for leisure, cook occasionally. High libido, masculine but not necessarily male. They would love theatre like Shakespeare and have wanderlust. They would aspire to know everything they could, never stop learning. They would love foggy weather, as well as the rainy days. They would share my nerdy side, loving Lord of the Rings and Sherlock as much as me. They would understand that I have many emotional issues, including but not limited to PTSD, depression, anxiety, and binge eating. They would understand that sometimes I really just need to be left alone or have things that are just mine and don’t share. They would let me go through everything I need to – like dying/cutting my hair, losing or gaining weight, that sometimes I get jealous and I can’t help it. They wouldn’t mind me spam texting them when I feel like it, that I can over analyze things because of my past. They wouldn’t mind that I can overreact to things, that sometimes I need weeks or months to just cry. Sometimes I can’t sleep. They would understand that I have a really difficult time loving people, that I have a really difficult time trusting something that isn’t fantasy or an animal. They would understand that I am a person who fluctuates in everything: emotions, weight, ideas. I’m constantly changing and don’t like settling. They would understand that I have a very hard time trusting men specifically, that I have a lot of triggers, that when I love I love fully and will commit like nothing else in the entire world because they are mine and they understand me. They would need to be passionate and caring, interesting but not a douche, kind but not delusionally so. They would never leave me. They would be really sexual, enjoy the mystery of large cities and live in one with me. Their last name wouldn’t start with an S because I don’t want my initials to be ASS (which sucks because I have a tendency to attract and be attracted to people with surnames that begin with S). They would be down for adventure at any hour. They wouldn’t let me get stuck in my ruts where I forget what I love..

Most importantly, I want to be attracted to them in the way that I fall in love instantly. The kind that makes me crazy, the kind that I can’t sleep over. Where I yearn to know everything about them and once I know that, I want to learn more.

They would be feminist, an ally or part of the LGBTQ community, they wouldn’t support anything anti-LGBT, they would understand the importance of spreading the knowledge of domestic violence. They would love me as much as I love them and I wouldn’t doubt it. They would like small dogs and cats, enjoy poetry and a cup of tea. They would own professional clothing – as a male they would wear a navy suit, as a woman a pencil skirt and blazer.. They would hold my hand when we were shopping, they would hug me often.. I would never doubt them.

This person makes me believe in love. They make me warm and happy inside.

Who am I?

Athiest, Journal, Loving Life, Personal, Questioning Sexuality, Smiling

As homework takes me as prisoner and the world grows darker, I try and keep a bright mind. It becomes difficult when everything starts spinning faster.

What makes this time of my life even more confusing is the fact that I’m currently questioning my sexuality. There’s this girl at my school and I either really like her as a friend and it makes me like her as a person. Or I’m obsessed. and I think it’s the latter.

I want it to be the latter…

She has the most beautiful eyes and we can hold intelligent conversations. I find myself staring at her lips, wondering what they would feel like in between mine.

I enjoy her company immensely. Maybe we are just “kindred spirits”, as Anne from Anne of Green Gables would say.

Just maybe…

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I know I need to hold off on inspiring my emotions for now. I am just getting over Guy #2 and it’s been five months since Guy #1 and I broke up. This could all just be sad, confused feelings.

I broke up with someone and got rejected in a short period of time and now I’m thinking I might be bisexual.

I need time. Time may not solve problems, but it gives me a moment to think about everything that I need to, so I can come to conclusions.

She is beautiful.