Stressful Race to Success

Journal, Personal, Blame, fuck you, Failure, Relationships

My life is kind of crazy and I feel like chaos follows me.

When I am reprimanded for doing something that has been taken out of context, I fall apart. It can feel like I can’t do anything right.

I just want some peace out of this world. But peace is the one thing it seems I cannot have.

I went to a group therapy session with my mom and oldest sister, which stirred up anger and conflict inside me – which alone was enough – but when I got back home, my landlady yelled at me for something I hadn’t done. That’s the worst kind of thing to be reprimanded about. I cried. My mind is still racing and I can’t go downstairs because we have three other guests staying over tonight. I feel insane. Trapped. Left in the same position I always am put in. Uncomfortable. Confrontational. Stressful.

I’m so angry. I have no time to myself. I work. I go to school. I do homework. I eat. I appease people to make it run smoother. But inside I’m falling apart and I have feelings for this dude who is really nice but isn’t into me.

I wanna punch a fucking wall. Getting zeros from a teacher who can’t possibly understand the situations I have been put in.

Realizing I don’t have a 4.0 GPA anymore and I’m not going to get into a great college because I look like a fucking slacker. But really I’m just taxed with stress and shitty parents and people who leave me when I need them most. How the fuck am I supposed to put every ounce of my energy toward school when I work thirty hours a week and bottle up my anger and aggression and have a mom who picks her fucking boyfriend over my wellbeing. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I’m so fucking pissed off about how my parent’s actions have put me in a goddamn disadvantaged spot. They were immature, made decisions that placed me fifty feet behind everyone else. It doesn’t matter how far I run, or how much effort I contribute, I will never be at the same place as someone who started those fifty feet ahead of me and put the same amount of effort in.

I’m doing my best. That’s still not enough.

If I worked as hard as I do now, but started where everyone else got to, I can only image the great shit I’d do.

Instead, I’m surviving. Barely scraping together things that get me by. Getting the low hanging fruit because there’s nothing else left for me by the time I get there. I’m running in a race but my legs are permanently cramped. I’m singing a solo but my throat is sore. I’m a writer with no hands. And I didn’t bring this upon myself, it’s simply the life I was put in. It’s not because of my attitude, or my outlook on life, it’s not because I’m gay, or because I’ve some how done something to deserve this – I deserve this life just as much as a CEO deserves a trust fund, or those rich kids in beverly hills deserve a Lamborghini.

This is simply my life, and we have to play the cards we’re dealt. But fuck this game, and fuck that race.

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Progression

beautiful, Beauty, Future, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, New, Perfect, Personal, Relationships, school

My world has drastically changed in the last three weeks.

At 17, I have now moved out of my mom’s home and in with my 20 year old sister. I’m working 30 hours this week while also trying to maintain my grades in high school, but it seems manageable and even fun because I don’t have a stressful home life anymore.

Sure I still have my issues and some day are not great, but most of them are. Fuck, I woke up at 5:30am yesterday and didn’t go back into my house until 11:30pm but I was fine and happy even because there’s no turmoil or anger and I know that home is a safe place.

Also, I’m like sort of vegan now. There are some days that are entirely vegan and some where I’ll get regular milk in my coffee at starbucks, so I don’t openly call myself a vegan because I’m not – but I’m eating almost entirely plant based right now.

Also, I’m over Santana – which only took like a few months – but yeah I’ve moved on and there’s this pretty cool dude at work who I’m interested in.

I’m going to try to pace myself and not be too crazy – but uh, I think we could be good friends.

It feels really good to be on my own, outside of my parent’s homes. So far my grades are staying up and I’m getting to work, and everything is functional – I’m preparing to apply to universities which is totally scary. This time next year I might be living in San Francisco, going to SFSU, and studying to become a Technical Writer. What??

I’m not quite sure what the fuck is happening with life right now because everything is seemingly just working and that is new.

I’m gonna just accept it and relish that life is good.

Fuck You, Fuck Everything You Have

Creative Writing, equality, Family, forgotten, fuck you, Jealousy, Journal, Personal, school

I’m not popular,
I’ll never be.

I’m the kid that sits alone at lunch
Cramming their homework in

The kid who walks straight home after school

Kid who doesn’t socialize with everyone else
mostly because they have rejected me my entire life.

Kindergarten was the same, kids walked by and shunned me from their view
Odd one out, forgot your name, last to be picked for the team.

I don’t get a lot of likes on Instagram, even if I did, I’m no Kylie Jenner
I’m not thin, or eloquent with my speech, I stumble over my own feet.

Only the odd like me, maybe I’m the queen of the unspoken followers.
I’ll be the queen of those who are constantly rejected, the unseen and trampled.

We are the overused race, the unvoiced angst of the century.

Fuck those picture perfect girls, who don’t need photoshop but use it anyway
Fuck those kids who don’t realize everything they have.

Bursting Apricot

beautiful, Beauty, Blame, Creative Writing, feminism, forgotten, fuck you, Future, Her, Humanist, Journal, New, Personal, Poetry, Relationships, school

I have many glass vases sitting on a shelf.
Some are blue, others yellow,
Your’s was the color of an apricot on a warm summer day.

With flakes of red bursting from the center
And warm orange undertones, calming the world.

It was the color of my heart. Before it fell off my shelf.

Now the colors have separated, amidst the shards of broken glass,
The glass and color intertwine, the way vines and lattice do.

A psychedelica puddle on the floor, irreparable.
Still beautiful, but in a more human way.

Cliques

Awareness, Journal, Personal, school

When I’m at school, I have to pose the question to myself “Am I trying to seclude myself, or are they excluding me?”.

While I’m not actively trying to befriend people, I feel like it’s both. I don’t want to put myself out there and try to make new friends because when I did last year they mostly turned out to be annoying idiots – they didn’t originally come off that way, but when I got to know them and realized they were dumb fucks, they wouldn’t leave me alone.

I did appreciate them, because I was scared in this new setting, but after awhile I realized I would rather be alone than deal with idiocy – people who don’t strive for better or even care.

Now, I’m becoming a hopeless recluse who is totally obsessed with a girl who is out of my league – she’s smart, chill, driven, beautiful, and doesn’t want a relationship. I can understand why too – in the world outside of school I am all of those things too. But I didn’t know what was and wasn’t important within the halls of high school. Like having an abnormally high GPA, playing sports, having a very defined style that you don’t divert from. I have none of those things because outside of these halls, those things mean nothing. Actually nothing. They’re just traits – while here, it defines you. I might be a totally awesome person who is a 10 outside of high school, because people/adults value different things. Though in high school, I’m simply a loner with an average GPA and a personality they can’t put in a box. I’m undefinable, and they don’t like that.

I don’t fit into any single group, and it becomes ostracizing. No one invites me to be in their groups for prom, they assume I’d go with another group. I don’t eat with anyone at lunch unless I go to a club. I fit with the feminists, the potheads, the intellectuals, the geeks, the hardcore party crowd, the only people I don’t exactly vibe with are the preppy jock kids. Don’t mind, though – they’re mostly idiots.

I’m like a floating leaf, going from one place to the next without a care – not travelling in a group – simply going with the wind on my own.

I’m tired of being alone, though.
I don’t want to be with dumb people.
No one seems to stick.

 

 

My Happiness

beautiful, Future, Hope, Humanist, Journal, Love, Loving Life, New, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Small Things

Today as I was sipping coffee in bed,  I realized a simple concept that I knew before. The world just clicked into place, and I finally understood it.

You can feel happiness and sadness at the same time. Depression and hope. Emotions can be paired together, even if they contradict.

I can feel happy even though the world isn’t ideal right now, because I am completely infatuated with someone who doesn’t want a relationship or because I still have another year of high school to get through before I feel like I can actually start my life. But I am happy right now. I am totally in love. There might be undertones of loneliness, or depression, fear of rejection – but I can still be happy. And I am happy.

I have my cup of coffee, a new phone, a job, my grades are good right now, I have that feeling of pure bliss when you have feelings for someone, my room is clean, I’m in therapy, there are no outstanding issues in my life right now.

Can we just talk about the fact that I always put myself down for not being everything I want to be? I might have everything I want except two things, and then those two things control my life. Like not having a car or my own bedroom. I have so many other things worth relishing – it’s so greedy. I do not want to be greedy.

I want to start focusing on what I do have – imagine what life would be like without all the things I take for granted everyday. Like the fact that Riley lets me use her computer, or the shelves mom got me for Christmas, the phone I have, my cup of coffee right here and right now. The spotify account Riley lets me use, or the pajama pants Aunt Ne gave me that used to be Gpa’s. All of the wonderful books I own, that are mine – not my moms or riley’s. They are my books.

This is my life, and no one has the power to rob me of my happiness.

Moral Dilemma

beautiful, Beauty, Creative Writing, Future, Humanist, Journal, Nature, New, Personal, Poetry

It feels as though the world is lapping at me,
Eating away at my heels as I try to make my way.

Like a rock on at the edge of the ocean,
Never getting a break from the endless torture
That is the ocean’s softly beating wave.

Back is sore, feet bleeding, hands callused
I’ve held on this far, but I was never promised an end.

Not a moment goes by as I brace to the cliff
that letting go isn’t considered,
but if I do, the cliff will fall,
Cascading into the ocean.

Atop this cliff, a child sits, their fate is my decision.
I can hold on, turn into to stone
As the water relentlessly beats me with its salty hand
Or I can let go, and let the ocean guide us into the world
of eternal night.

Poetry Time

beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, feminism, Future, Her, Journal, Love, New, Peace, Perfect, Personal, Poetry, Relationships, Sexuality, Small Things, Smiling

There, across the room,
Short brown hair, she laughs like an angel.
Angsty jacket, tapping her foot elegantly,
Her curves, outlined by the white t-shirt she wears.

Perfection, softly smiling – stealing glances,
Hoping to not be caught.
Her voice is like honey, or maybe silk,
the way it graces my ears.

Her eyes are deeper, more fulfilling than
fucking outer space. Remind me of the stars,
everything they’ve seen.

I dream of holding her hand, feeling
her breath on my neck, lips against mine.
Look into my eyes. Look.

 

Life Update: New Feelings

beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, feminism, fuck you, Future, Her, Hope, Journal, Love, Loving Life, New, Partner, Perfect, Personal, Relationships, Sexuality, Small Things, Smiling

It’s been awhile since I posted, mostly because my laptop stopped working. I’m beginning to realize that I post on here so I can look back at my life with a roughly complete set of documents on how I felt at a particular point in time.

It’s interesting, seeing how I’ve struggled in the past compared to how I struggle now. The recurring issues, what I was once passionate about – the things that got me angry or made me feel loved.

I currently have feelings for someone. It’s really bad. Kind of taking over my life. But that’s always how I can tell that it won’t become something – I’ve never dated someone I was infatuated with. It’s just never happened.

But jesus she’s beautiful. Distracting, even. I find myself forgetting what we’re doing in class because of the way she taps her foot or smiles. I’m worried she only sees me as a friend, though.

Last year, we entertained the idea of being something – which she couldn’t have forgot (could she??). We were talking for like a week before she told me she wasn’t over her ex. So I let it go and went on with my life and kept talking to Charley to pass the time. That worked all summer – but now I’m back at school and have two classes with the most beautiful person on campus, she is impossible for me to ignore.

I want to know everything about her, the details about her childhood, her greatest fear in life, I want to hang out on Saturdays in our pajamas while she plays video games and just hang out. I would be happy just to be in her presence. She’s talented, beautiful, funny, and just plain perfect. I have a feeling that my sister and close friends are tired of hearing me talk about her, and I understand because I’ve definitely been there with someone – when they just won’t shut the fuck up about a person that they’ve liked for ages but never pursued anything with.

It’s just annoying.

But the thing is, I am worried to pursue anything because we tried things out like four months ago and she let me down easy. The thing about not being over her ex is 50% chance a way of not hurting me while also getting me to go away or 50% the truth. SO, if by chance it is the first option, I don’t want to make a fool out of myself by declaring an undying love for her beauty and mind when she is totally not feeling it.

I’d rather keep my mouth shut and slowly die inside as I grow more and more fond of her. I’ve been rejected so many times, I probably couldn’t count. Actually, I could – I am just happy naive. But my point is that I don’t want to be rejected again. My heart couldn’t take it, not when I feel this strongly. I’d probably be bed ridden for a week and not be able to eat again.

She does talk to me, though. Which is something. She waved at me the first day of class, and talks to me before class too. I wonder if she can tell how flustered I get? Or if I blush.. I’ve been known to blush before.

My heart physically aches when I think about her. This is so shitty and also so fucking amazing.

Why do I feel this strongly when I like someone?

God. It feels like something is wrong with me because everyone else seems to just ease into relationships. They go so goddamn smoothly and no one is put in an awkward position of liking the other person more.

Why can’t I be so fucking smooth? Just enough for her to realize I’m not a total nut job.

Even though I sorta am

She said she liked my art today.. Probably just being nice, because what else would have been a polite response? I shouldn’t let it get to my head.

FUck. Why do I have to respond 2 minutes after I get a goddamn snapchat from her every time? She takes like 20 minutes, but I’m over here, Ms. Needy Asf, and responding lightning fast. No wonder she is acting unsure – I’m way too clingy. Fuck. I need to be more detached, don’t I? Show that I’m not gonna be a psycho bitch…

I hate when I write posts like this and I think about how the future me knows how this all pans out. Like, do I go psycho and smash her car windows while screaming and crying because we dated for a year and I found out she never loved me? Do I confess my feelings to be rejected and told she isn’t that into me, and we’re better off as two gay people who are just friends? Or maybe we move to Hawaii and live there until we’re 100 and raise chickens on a property overlooking the ocean and drink coffee early in the morning as we watch the sunrise? I kinda like that last option a lot. Perhaps I never say anything. I just let this perpetual mood swing go on until we graduate and go our separate ways in life. I hate that thought, of moving on with my life and just having her not be a part of my everyday life.. Shit, and I felt like a three day weekend was going to be rough.

I really have feelings for this girl, but I don’t know what the fuck to do right now.