ec·lec·tic

Journal

In love with a condescending prick.

Conceited. Thinks very highly of themselves, but is quick to see the worst in other people.

Hypocritical. Refuses to make justifications for other people, or see things from their point of view. Acts as though they are perfect, however when presented with the idea that they were flawed they stumbled on their words and tried to flee the situation entirely.


You use Big words, Big air, Big personality to hide that you are a tiny man. You can’t even confront your own flaws.

Oh yes – you know about them.

However, much like the way that I hoard sentimental objects in boxes in my closet, you shove your flaws out of sight as soon as you’re done looking back on them (which you systematically do to allow yourself to say you are “mindful”.)

Because you just have to be conscious of your problems, right?

It’s not like you’d ever try to run away from your problems if someone ever tried to plop one in front of you, unannounced.

Of course not.

But have you actually tried to fix them?

Once you casually mentioned you had gotten your father into debt with your unpaid credit card. Sure, you’re living in a place outside of your parents home. Sure, you’ve got a job. But how independent can you really be if you’re still under your parents financial wing?

Once you casually mentioned that you didn’t have a car because you spend your money on recreational drugs. That is a stereotypical character flaw. You allow for this addiction to escape and feel alive control your everyday life – at this point it’s severe enough to be considered a disorder.

Mentioned that sex was addicting too. And alcoholism. But those are just fluff to the inter-dimensional character of all your flaws.

In part, I fell in love with you because of your flaws. I’ve always loved myself a complex character. Said that if I were presented with these damaged people, I would see past their character quirks and learn to love them for their humanness.

Because you, Leo, are the embodiment of the human condition. You are constantly trying, however you simultaneously working against yourself with self destructive tendencies.

It’s truly beautiful.

You are troubled and refuse to accept that in your everyday life. You know you are, but won’t allow others in to see that. And all the while you work yourself silly. You think that our movie theatre and management is what causes you to not be promoted, that it has little to do with the way you present yourself – but do you ever think about who Leo is as an employee? What he looks like to upper management? Sloppy. Disheveled. It doesn’t matter how hard you work if it’s not streamline and composed. You show up late to work, often stand around with empty hands, don’t take initiative. Sure you are a backbone to the floor – but you need to learn to notice when things need to get done and delegate. You want a promotion? Act like you already have it. You want to be needed? Make yourself more valuable to the company than it is to you. You need it to pay rent, why does it need you?

To call upon my sentimental boxes again, perhaps you are afraid of the meaning in your actions, like the meaning of the objects I hold onto.

I’m afraid that I will never live the exciting life I desire. I’m afraid I will lose everyone I love. Actually, I’m afraid I have already lost them..

I know I can be scathing, but the truth is that I still admire you. I still fucking love you and your oddities. I see my eclectic side in you, and I’m always wanting to see more of her.

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