fox·tail

Journal

Rose early, falling late, never feeling completely awake. Cup of coffee at 7:08. Another in class. Lunch consisted of a chocolate shake and fries you didn’t want to finish. All of the mindless busy work in Spanish made a you want to claw the fleshy balls of eye out of your head.

Showered when you got home, did your makeup, washed the work clothes.

Stole a moment to glance at your bare face in the mirror. Admiring the freckles. The growing hair. The blueness of your eyes.

Had to leave for work. But you left early. Anxiety takes over when you can’t find your inner peace.

You found out that last night the guy you like came into work really stoned with his friends. Unsure why it hurts you, but it does. It’s like this foxtail that has worked it’s way into your chest and slowly it inches toward your heart – and you feel every second of its golden betrayal.

But then you remember, Santana is single. She’s still that girl you fell in love with. Moving to Santa Cruz, won’t be far from you in San Francisco. She’s cute. Artistic. Even if you gave her space, you still think she’s amazing.

That puts a smile on your face. She is the one you wrote that sonnet about. Her eyes of dawn. Your heart gets warm at the thought of her.

Fuck. I can’t do this. I can’t move from one person to the next. I mean, Leo was the distraction from Santana. I really consciously moved on using him.

And then it became something I couldn’t control, something darker.

And arguably I used Santana to get over Charley to get over Santana to get over Xavier who I used to get over Talon who I used to cope with moving and starting at a new school my junior year of high school.

So are my feelings for leo just an elaborate way of avoiding dealing with my sense of loss over moving to a new place? Displacing my emotional struggles by finding happiness in a false emotional bind?

Because I used Sam to cope with my parents separation and eventual divorce. To get over Sam I used a bunch of guys I don’t remember, and then Cadence.

I decided to be single because I had jumped from one person to the next since I was fourteen. Now that I have been single for seventeen months, I’m realizing the issue is deeper. It’s not just relationships, I jump from person to person emotionally too. Fall in love with one, but then get rejected and turn right around and pick someone new, doing it over and over, sometimes picking the same person twice, sometimes they are entirely new.

Some, like poor Zach, I have knowingly strung along even when I wasn’t interested in them, just to have someone there.

Just to have someone holding me on the beach at 11pm. Bonfires. Knowing he really, sincerely liked me.

Daniel. He won’t admit it, but I have to. I was only ever interested in feeling like someone cared. He gave me that.

Do I use emotional attraction to others as something to divert my emotional pain off my everyday life?

I don’t know but I want a double double. Fries.

I want a heated blanket.

Fresh, warm, chocolate chip cookies.

Comfort food. Netflix. More things I use as temporary bandaids on my emotional struggles.

Now we can add weed and alcohol and prescriptions to that list as well.

More people should be concerned.

Sometimes I imagine what it will be like for someone to go back over this shit if I ever actually kill myself. Will they be like “wow how didn’t we see the signs?” Or something?

Who knows. Who cares. I’m going to sleep.

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One thought on “fox·tail

  1. This entire thought process is so familiar– like your entire life unravelling in front of you as you do the same and there is nothing to do but to watch it happen. Because you love him or her or the food that you can never seem to truly appreciate eating and the family that never quite feels okay and well, there goes that unravelling again. The way you think is beautiful because it’s all there, in the human condition and how we chose to use things or people or love to get through it. And yet, we continue to unravel.

    Liked by 1 person

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