Random shit

Journal

I just feel like writing about my day right now. So, I’m going to write about my day. I’m very tired right now. I haven’t slept well these last two nights. Light sleep, tossing, turning, sexual frustration. I’m still feeling all of these things. My head is heavy, body achy, I want to sleep, but I want to write more.

I worked in concessions today – which was alright. I definitely lose a part of myself when I’m behind the counter, though. I lose a part of myself when I step foot in that building. She patiently waits for me to return. It makes me restless. I hope I don’t always have to work a minimum wage job like this. I can’t wait for the day that my job actually makes me feel useful and like there is some intent, something that makes my time valuable and a product will come out of our efforts. Not just selling my life so I can barely make it by. Not whatever it is that I am doing right now.

I wonder how many people that I have shared my blog with over the years actually ever read this. I have shared it with all of my ex boyfriends, as well as Fiona, Charley, Xavier, Daniel, Zach, and Leo.

It would be so weird for Charley to still read these. I honestly am so uncomfortable just thinking about him, what transpired. Every time I go into theatre ten I think about him. Yo dude, if you’re reading this, I work at that theater now. Also when I think about you it’s all Ladonna and andies mints and star dew valley – then i remember how different it all was suddenly. We had sex and I regretted it. Is there a word for regret but while something is currently happening? I don’t feel like it’s fair to you to say that I was raped, but I also really only had sex with you because I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t feel like I could.

Also, Zach. Hey dude, our interactions are now entirely me accidentally opening snapmaps and seeing that you were recently active in Grover. At your house. Where we had sex. Multiple times. You’re the only person I have had sex with more than once. Isn’t that peachy? I definitely felt like I could say no if I wanted to with you, but I also never had feelings for you. Our sexual interactions were only that to me, and I know I don’t want that anymore. Even when I am so sexually frustrated that I cannot sleep.Dude. We had sex on the beach. In your Jeep. In your room – also in your room when your parents were home. In your Jeep again. I’m surprised we didn’t when we were camping, but your friends were around, HAHA OH GOD. Those poor kids when we did it only to later realize that there was a family having a bonfire not even fifty feet from us. I had a lot of fun hanging out with you and your friends, though. It was really nice to be able to get out, in nature, and with people who genuinely gave no fucks about drinking or getting high or anything. You guys all just hung out to be together and it was refreshing. It was also nice to be around people who could appreciate all the shit I learned from my dad – like carrying chill knifes and building good fires.

Sam, I think about you all of the time. Like, I want to know how school is going for you and I want to know what you think about the new Wes Anderson film and to tell you that I loved it and that I saw a Zatoichi (or whatever it is) dvd set the other day and it just all reminds me of you. A part of me is always going to love you.

Cadence – well you are a bitch. For starters. But you are also someone who changed what I was going to become. In fact, the person I was when we were dating was the beginning of my personal metamorphoses. Sitting in public parks at night, kissing. Wandering around town on bikes with your friend through sketchy areas of town. My mom really should have worried about me more when I was with you. The fact that she didn’t worry has made me who I am now.

Talon. My last boyfriend, who is now dating someone new. I was never myself with you, I was a needy little bitch. That’s what I was. I have nothing to say to you.

I still talk to Fiona and Daniel – so you guys are just lurking through my emotions, but its all good cause I need people in my life who keep me on track and responsible.

I also really doubt Xavier checks this – if he did then that would be weird. I’m hella disappointed that you didn’t follow through with going out on a spontaneous 2am beach trip cause we would have had fun.

I also doubt leo checks this – even if he did all I would do is painfully shrug. Oh WELL.

I’m going to bed now.

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cre·dence

Journal

Beautiful is naked, vulnerable, fresh-faced and confident.
Beautiful is passionate, driven, determined.
Beautiful is the desire to be more.
Beautiful is content.

I want to have a lot of degrees, a successful career, and happy family.
I want to have travelled, lived abroad, learned foreign languages.
I want to be satisfied with my life.

Happiness is walking to work at six a.m. and stopping for ten minutes on the bridge to appreciate the way that the water’s shadow ripples and folds on the riverbed. It is smiling at the wild cats who stalk and pounce on invisible prey in the brush and fresh green grass. It is standing still and feeling the morning breeze caress my face as the new light of day greets and warms me.

Happiness is baking. Enjoying the steps, pre-measuring ingredients and playing my music. Carefully mixing, pouring, chopping. Appreciating the smells. Opening the oven to a wave of warm apple pie. The cinnamon. The nutmeg, The brown sugar. It is the piping of meringue. Making weird ice cream flavors. Infusing alcohol.

Happiness is gardening. Caring for something, giving it my love, watching it sprout – flower – grow. Watering. Making sure it gets sun. Bringing it in during a frost. Singing to it.

Happiness is sitting at the keys of a piano and learning a new piece – hard work and concentration. Sore joints, restless legs tired of pressing a pedal. Back pain and frustration of the mind.

Happiness is being enthralled with a topic – whether it is 8 a.m. or 11 p.m., to be amazed by the stars or atoms, how a candle wick burns, or anything.

It is recognizing universal truths in literature, making connections, and applying it to oneself.

Happiness is to be aware. It is to appreciate.

/rəˈflekt/

Journal

Okay I feel much better. I haven’t been able to write when I was at home because I don’t have wifi, But I unpacked my portable keyboard for my phone and I have life again.

I hadn’t realized what a ritual writing in bed was for me until I couldn’t do it.

There are just some things that I don’t feel comfortable writing about in a coffee shop. My homeostasis (not really the right usage of that word, but whatever) is interrupted when I can’t write in the comfort of my pant-less and fuzzy bed.

That’s an image – but when haven’t I been too honest on here before?

I have only truly regretted posting things on here when Megan and Cadence were involved – the other day I found out that my ex boyfriend may have shared it with people who took things to a counselor at my last school. I don’t know what they could have done about it, though. I had shared my blog in confidence with a boyfriend at the time who ended up breaking up with me. It’s not like I ever intended for Megan to see what I had written about her – I was just mad and jealous that so many people liked her and her life was hella perfect.

I feel so bad about everything I said back then – she was just a sad and insecure girl who happened to be friends with my ex boyfriend. And I was malicious. Hurt, but not by her and she felt the dagger of my harsh words.

I want to think I’m not that girl anymore, not someone who would very blatantly try to inflect emotional pain on others. I want to think I’m better than that. That I have grown, perhaps.

There is obviously a part of me who doesn’t believe it, my tone has made that clear.

I have wanted to recently (like in the last two years, lol you thought….) but I stopped myself. And there were times that I didn’t, like sending Talon that picture of his girlfriend just after me with another guy when they were still together. She must have hated me – I would have. Or when I took to Snapchat after Kahler told me she also had feelings for Santana and did a pathetic rant. Kahler was hella salty because I didn’t say anything too specific so she couldn’t defend herself when she acted like I had been talking about her and I denied it.

I lied.
I don’t want to be a liar.

I schemed.
I don’t want to be shady.

I just want to be an honest and kind person. What has driven me to act otherwise and how can I stop it from happening in the future?

Honestly I wish I didn’t have to tie this back to the sitch with Leo – but fuck it, this is applicable so I will.

I can’t blame him for avoiding getting involved with me. I act in ways that I don’t agree with, and while I do believe that the person I want to be is someone that he would probably like, I am not her right now. I’m not perfect or even good right now.

I am constantly struggling with the fact that I act in ways that I don’t agree with – but why do I do them? Why do I drink alone? Or harm the property of others? Why do I socially isolate myself? How much of this is a choice for me? It would be easy to not accept responsibility for these things, but I don’t want to do what is easy – I want to do what is best for me. I want to do the hard things now so that when I am older, I can respect myself.

I want to respect myself now.

In the past I’ve written about my perfect partners – but I think it’s time for me to write about my perfect self. Who I see myself becoming. Guess I should start writing.

ex·haus·tion

Journal

I have been trying to find meaning in things for too long, but there aren’t any and none of it makes any sense. It’s a crushing absurdity.

I’m in so much pain, catatonic and raw, I don’t want to take any lessons from this.

Everything here is complicated, never could have been anything else.

I have been trying to act like I can handle this but it just didn’t really hit me until now. Its too late and the memory is already fading from my life.

Or maybe I’m just drunk. I should sleep.

Edith Piaf, Quasars, Grey Hair

Journal

I have a lot of homework that I need to do, don’t feel like doing any of it. None of it is hard, I know I should do it, there are only fifty days left until I have my diploma. I should really be keeping my grades up. Should. But I only went to school twice last week and now I really need to make up three math assignments. I also have a campaign video to make for AP Gov. and notes to make up for astronomy.

Speaking of astronomy, class blew my mind earlier.

It made me realize how much I want to understand about science. How much I don’t even know yet. With the resources that we have in the world, I don’t know why I haven’t done more on my own.

I want to know more about quantum physics, I want to understand light to the best ability that our technology allows right now. What the hell black matter is.

You know what, I’m gonna make a list of all the things I genuinely am curious about. It will be my plan to learn about all of them over the summer and in my free time right now. And I’m going to start with those three things.

  1. Wave-particle duality in quantum physics
  2. Light
  3. Black Matter
  4. Quasars and black holes
  5. Pulsars
  6. Cosmic voids
  7. Particle physics/high energy physics
  8. Nuclear physics
  9. Theory of relativity
  10. Memorize the periodic table of elements
  11. Learn some more chemical compounds
  12. Evolution in depth
  13. String theory? Theoretical physics
  14. Astrophysics
  15. Everything there is to know about magnetism and gravity
  16. Learn fucking french

How do atoms and electromagnetism interact with each other? Do they? Why do the structure of nuclei and galaxies exhibit similar properties? Cause they sure look alike.

How can two atoms never truly touch? Why do stars collapse under their own gravity? Do neutron stars ever die?

With that said, it’s time for me to do all of that pesky homework that does not interest me about conjugation in Spanish and stupid fake campaign ads, and writing a literary device on a poem that I have avoided all semester. The only one that I have enjoyed recently is doing my algebra homework, as crazy as that sounds for me.

Current vibe: Drinking a disgusting green juice that gives me a lot of energy, listening to Edith Piaf, and having zero homework from last week done that I am going to try and finish before the sun sets so I can walk home and shower and sleep. Also considering bleaching my hair until it is grey. I think I would like that a lot. Also, a sweet old man just told me I was beautiful and it kind of made my day.

Quick Thoughts

beautiful, Journal, Love, Personal

These last few days for me have been rough, to say the least. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or think without feeling intense dread. I had no appetite, I would lay down at night and do nothing but cry. During the day I would wake up to my alarm but fall back asleep – not getting out of bed until 4pm. I skipped school three out of the five days last week – I thought I was sick, but the doctor said I only had a mild sinus infection.

I felt miserable, was throwing up even when I had not eaten – because I had only eaten half a pancake and a partial bowl of soup for five days.

However, it dawned on me just now as I was working in concessions that I only feel this way because I am trying to change how I feel. I felt every branch of sadness – guilty, abandoned, deep despair, depression, loneliness, boredom. Sometimes critical of myself – other times I was helpless, insecure, and anxious. I felt insignificant. I was working against myself, wanting to feel important and aware – content and nurturing. But I simply could not because it wasn’t where I was at yet.

I realized that in order to come to terms with the situations I’m dealing with, I first have to accept that right now I am sad – afraid even. I will feel powerful again soon, but right now, perhaps for a while, I am going to be sad.

Feeling grief, a sense of loss. I accept that. I accept that right now I am vulnerable and sensitive. We have these emotions for a reason, and I won’t try to push them away just because they make me uncomfortable. They are healthy to feel in moderation.

I won’t always wake up feeling useless, restless, and frustrated.
I won’t always feel alone.

These things will pass, but I cannot force them out before I accept why I feel them.

I can’t stop myself from having the emotions that I do, I can’t force myself to stop having feelings for someone (even though I may try) – I have them for a reason. I like who he is as a person, as a friend, for all of the little quirks that make him different than everyone else in my life.

I cannot change circumstances, I cannot change myself, I cannot change the past.

This is good. Life is good, on some basic level. I will thrive where ever I end up, I just have to give the world some time to sort itself out.

Hey Leo, this one’s for you

Journal

I’m in a weird spot, admittedly because I put myself here, but nonetheless I don’t want to be in this position. I did some things I’m not proud of when I felt sad and vulnerable yesterday (still feeling sad/vulnerable, just now with the desire to ya know, not be)

It may not seem like it, but I know who I am – I’ll stand up for myself or others, and speak my mind when I feel like it. I’m also not desperate, I am my best self when I’m single (actually take care of myself, set goals for my life, etc.) I try to be respectful, considerate, and listen to what others have to say. I want to have integrity. I want to respect the wishes of others, and I didn’t show that in my recent behavior.

I know what I want out of life and I also know my boundaries with other people.

I don’t want to use anyone, or vice versa.

From where you’re coming from I can 100% understand how you would not see that. I have not been my best self around you. I’ve been my worst self, honestly. Jealous, manipulative, rude – and those are not things I’m proud of or want to continue being.

Now that I have reminded myself I’m not a desperate kid who needs someone to hold their hand, because for some reason I have forgotten that in these last seven months, I should get to the real issue here.

I let myself revert to an old behavior that is incredibly destructive to myself and others. Now, as to why I did it – I’m unsure. Likely because I was put in a position that made me feel, well, desperate. I liked you and that made me vulnerable.

I was manipulative. Tried to get what I wanted just because I wanted it and didn’t think about the other person. This is classic 2015 Me and I’m not sure why she decided to come out of the woodwork at the most inopportune time, but she did. All I can do is apologize for it, and change.

I’m sorry. My behavior was far from okay, I acted like a child throwing a tantrum all because I didn’t get what I want. That’s never acceptable, and I don’t condone it. It’s really disgusting.

What this has shown me, however, is that I have a lot of growing to do as a person. When I say a lot I mean years upon years before I’m even remotely close to being someone I would respect.

In the past I have used others for my own gain, I have used manipulative techniques to get what I want from them, but that’s not who I want to be.

Despite my actions, I respect your decision. I understand where you’re coming from, and admittedly it’s humbling to have someone tell you they don’t want you, but it doesn’t change who I am. I don’t need you, I never needed you, and without you I am still myself.

I’m sorry you were subjected to that. I’m a work in progress, and I learned from this.

dis·so·nance (4-1-2018)

Awareness, fathers, fuck you, Future, home, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust, Partner, Personal, Relationships

Have you ever done something and not really understood why you did it? As your hand approaches your mouth with the pills weighing in your palm, and that voice inside your head is saying don’t, yet they make it into your mouth and you swallow anyway.

When you’re standing outside at four a.m. and heavily intoxicated because you have succumbed to your desire to fit in and an Uber costs $30, so you walk across town to get home while your sister is busy fucking the guy where you had been sleeping not even thirty minutes before. Before you walk home, you kick his car. A lot. and dig out your keys, leaving grooves because you’re angry that no one loves you.

The guy you have loved for the last seven months would rather lead you on and never commit because he wants to be able to fuck anyone he wants. But you love him and have lowered your standards so much that even if he has sex with someone else you would still cover up his mistakes. The line is drawn at emotional attachment now.

You run home, and when you would normally feel pain in your lungs, this time you’re so numb you cannot feel it. You slowly approach the porch, quietly walking now so as to not wake your landlord.

In your bathroom, five a.m. and there is a knife sitting to your right on the floor. Why doesn’t anybody care about you? You pick it up.

Your mom’s response to your university acceptance was “fuck you”. Your dad hasn’t talked to you in months. Your sister, who you depend on, you woke up to her making out with a guy in the same bed as you.

You’re sitting on the bathroom floor of a place you pay for with money you made from sweeping popcorn up in theaters and cleaning shit up in public bathrooms. You put the knife down, you have worked too hard to end here. You have worked too hard to give up because your family doesn’t love you.

University is on the horizon; your future, beginnings, everything you have ever looked forward to. It is coming. You know you’ll be broke, but you’ve been emotionally broken for years – and being financially broke is nothing when you have your freedom.