I just feel like writing about my day right now. So, I’m going to write about my day. I’m very tired right now. I haven’t slept well these last two nights. Light sleep, tossing, turning, sexual frustration. I’m still feeling all of these things. My head is heavy, body achy, I want to sleep, but I want to write more.
I worked in concessions today – which was alright. I definitely lose a part of myself when I’m behind the counter, though. I lose a part of myself when I step foot in that building. She patiently waits for me to return. It makes me restless. I hope I don’t always have to work a minimum wage job like this. I can’t wait for the day that my job actually makes me feel useful and like there is some intent, something that makes my time valuable and a product will come out of our efforts. Not just selling my life so I can barely make it by. Not whatever it is that I am doing right now.
I wonder how many people that I have shared my blog with over the years actually ever read this. I have shared it with all of my ex boyfriends, as well as Fiona, Charley, Xavier, Daniel, Zach, and Leo.
It would be so weird for Charley to still read these. I honestly am so uncomfortable just thinking about him, what transpired. Every time I go into theatre ten I think about him. Yo dude, if you’re reading this, I work at that theater now. Also when I think about you it’s all Ladonna and andies mints and star dew valley – then i remember how different it all was suddenly. We had sex and I regretted it. Is there a word for regret but while something is currently happening? I don’t feel like it’s fair to you to say that I was raped, but I also really only had sex with you because I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t feel like I could.
Also, Zach. Hey dude, our interactions are now entirely me accidentally opening snapmaps and seeing that you were recently active in Grover. At your house. Where we had sex. Multiple times. You’re the only person I have had sex with more than once. Isn’t that peachy? I definitely felt like I could say no if I wanted to with you, but I also never had feelings for you. Our sexual interactions were only that to me, and I know I don’t want that anymore. Even when I am so sexually frustrated that I cannot sleep.Dude. We had sex on the beach. In your Jeep. In your room – also in your room when your parents were home. In your Jeep again. I’m surprised we didn’t when we were camping, but your friends were around, HAHA OH GOD. Those poor kids when we did it only to later realize that there was a family having a bonfire not even fifty feet from us. I had a lot of fun hanging out with you and your friends, though. It was really nice to be able to get out, in nature, and with people who genuinely gave no fucks about drinking or getting high or anything. You guys all just hung out to be together and it was refreshing. It was also nice to be around people who could appreciate all the shit I learned from my dad – like carrying chill knifes and building good fires.
Sam, I think about you all of the time. Like, I want to know how school is going for you and I want to know what you think about the new Wes Anderson film and to tell you that I loved it and that I saw a Zatoichi (or whatever it is) dvd set the other day and it just all reminds me of you. A part of me is always going to love you.
Cadence – well you are a bitch. For starters. But you are also someone who changed what I was going to become. In fact, the person I was when we were dating was the beginning of my personal metamorphoses. Sitting in public parks at night, kissing. Wandering around town on bikes with your friend through sketchy areas of town. My mom really should have worried about me more when I was with you. The fact that she didn’t worry has made me who I am now.
Talon. My last boyfriend, who is now dating someone new. I was never myself with you, I was a needy little bitch. That’s what I was. I have nothing to say to you.
I still talk to Fiona and Daniel – so you guys are just lurking through my emotions, but its all good cause I need people in my life who keep me on track and responsible.
I also really doubt Xavier checks this – if he did then that would be weird. I’m hella disappointed that you didn’t follow through with going out on a spontaneous 2am beach trip cause we would have had fun.
I also doubt leo checks this – even if he did all I would do is painfully shrug. Oh WELL.
I’m going to bed now.