I tell people not to regret, yet I do.
All of the fucking time, I regret everything.
I regret liking the people that I have, I regret telling people things, I regret moving to the coast, I regret leaving behind my friends.
I regret opening up about things to people who don’t deserve to hear it,
I regret not standing up for those who deserve it.
I regret oversharing.
I regret confessing my feelings to any and every person I have.
I regret leaving my dad, sometimes.
I regret cheating on my homework.
I regret calling out Kayleigh and Cadence for shit.
I regret having flings with guys who don’t matter.
I regret not loving myself more,
I regret being self-confident.
I regret bringing my sheet music up for show and tell in second grade,
I regret blaming Ciera for stealing my sea shells,
I regret being so fucking awkward.
Why can’t I just be normal? Just once.
Why can’t I fit in, just once?
I want to be loved, even just once.
I want to be cared about.
To be hugged, and feel wanted.
I don’t want to doubt.
Or second guess even once.
Is it so much to ask to be loved?
I just want to stand in the big grass field at ERCLC and watch Eric with his RC Airplane class, crashing their planes. I want to listen to the little kids make up ridiculous but genius stories. I want to see the moms who have their lives together, who buy stuff from the bakesales.
I want to organize events like I used to, be in productions with Peggy and Makena and Leslie and Fiona and even Cadence and Abiel. I miss everyone so much.
I miss being able express myself without sounding like some sort of freak – being able to wear my quirky knee-high socks and bright yellow shirts. I miss taking Archery with Eric and getting into Quarrels with Bobbi over stupid Neon Dance drama. I miss game nights, and going out that one time with the schools telescope to watch stars with the Astronomy club. I miss walking into Eric’s office and seeing a picture of me in there from Eli’s mental health photo shoot.
I miss the masquerade dance.
I miss Heather’s Journal class.
I miss despising Abiel for always bragging about her Travels.
I miss Theirry’s exuberant acting
And Katie as Mrs.Dowdle.
I miss the days when I would longingly gaze at Dustyn while he was in PE with Brian.
When I would wait until monday nights when I could go to Youth Group and see him.
I would always chew gum.
I would wear low cut shirts before I had boobs.
I miss sitting in the library with Riley and Lacey because we didn’t have a class that period, when Orion went to school with us.
Orion’s broken perfume bottle.
Tiger. Debates in 1930’s.
Trying on dresses for the play in Peggy’s office, or Brian’s, or Eric’s, or Bobbi’s, or Yasoda’s.
I miss ERCLC. It’s my home.
I miss the bright yellow sunflowers that would bloom this time of year, and the pumpkins that would grow outside the library windows – the way Anonda would always smile at me, how I could climb the tree in front of Sage.
I miss going to Halloween parties in Three Rivers, eating Peggy’s chilli and watching the little kids sort and trade their sweets.
I miss house sitting for the Entz, how I slept in Zacks room.
I miss the valley.
I miss Elderwood.
I even miss living with Nana and Gramps.
It’s okay to regret, I guess. It’s okay to miss people, things, and the past.
I definitely do..