Life sucks

fuck you, Journal, Personal

I’m such a sad excuse for a person. I am affected way too easily by others. I’m not even taking the SAT. Apparently that’s really important and I just got chewed out by my sister for not doing it, even though we wouldn’t have been in town for it anyway.

But really. What am I doing with my life that’s even worthwhile? I do nothing productive. I’m 17 and I don’t even have a job yet. I don’t get A’s. I fail at almost everything I try to do. I can’t even keep my room clean, how the fuck am I supposed to be an adult? Go to college? Get a car? Jesus christ. I don’t even have a car to get me to community college. I haven’t taken the SAT. I’m not taking the SAT. Fuck. I’m wasting so much of my time. I can’t even run a fucking mile in under ten minutes. By nearly every standard except my own, I am failing at life. I couldn’t remember to do my physics vocab on time, how will I remember to pay my bills? How will I pay my bills without a job? How can I get a job without a car? How do I get a car? Money gets you a car. How can I make money when I’m dedicating all my time to getting good grades, and even then I get bad grades? And without good grades, you can’t get into a good college, and without a good college education what even is  life? What am I? A failure. Should I just accept right now that I will live an unhappy and unfulfilling life? That I’ve spent my entire childhood and adolescents fucking around when I should have been preparing to be an adult

I make too many excuses. I care about the wrong things. I’ll go no where in life. I’m already a ball of stress, why don’t I just fucking die? The way my math teachers look at me. It makes me want to give up. The way my physics teacher looks at me when I can’t figure out the math equation, it makes me want to die. I’m such a fucking disappointment. I always have been. I used to tell myself I would do amazing things, but right now, all I see is a disappointment, a wasted life. I can’t do anything amazing, and simply believing I could was such fucking dumb idea.

I’m such a worthless person.

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