An Apology for her Neediness

Blame, Future, Her, Hope, Journal, Love, Memories, New, Partner, Relationships

Thinking back on our relationship, I started seeing things that I wouldn’t have payed attention to before, I didn’t know they would mean something later on.

I was so much more emotionally invested than you, wasn’t I? I cared more about meeting your mom and family, I cared more about how I made impressions, and I think that you knew that we would inevitably break up, and so you didn’t care as much about those things. You didn’t even bother to try seeing me on New Years even though I had told you prior that it was important to me – you did the same thing when I invited you over to see Nate.. Was your dad’s house just an excuse? If I hadn’t asked to talk to you and made it sound so urgent, would we still  be together? Could we have been happy?

No.. We wouldn’t have been.

I want you to know that I did try – I took Riley’s advice about not breaking up just because a few bad things happened, to actively try to make the relationship work.. I don’t think you ever wanted to try and make things work. I think that you didn’t take it seriously.

I didn’t want to just be your girlfriend when you were a senior, I wanted to be with you for a couple of years.. I wasn’t planning on breaking up with you like I had done before – I wanted to stick it out. And guess what – we lasted just under 6 months together. My first relationship was longer. Your relationship with Ashley was longer.

It’s ironic isn’t it? You didn’t work with her because she didn’t show you affection, and we didn’t work because I was too affectionate and needed too much affection.

I wonder if you’ve told your mom. If you’ve told Gage and Wyatt. I wonder if you have ranted about me to your friends on Xbox.

I went to SLO with my mom today, we talked about her old boyfriends and went through her old yearbooks – she couldn’t remember half of their last names. I realized how much you won’t matter in twenty years – that helped.

I never stopped loving Sam, I hope I stop loving you.. I don’t want to have to deal with this pain too often.

I’ll get over this soon. I have a feeling you’re happier single anyway. No one to waste your time and money, no one to drag you around town during lunch.

My need for affection will be my downfall, won’t it? I wish I could have been less for you. I wish we could have worked. I liked your family, however quirky they were. I liked how you would get so invested in your games, how you would get annoyed at me. I liked your friends, and I could only wish they liked me too.

Maybe you were too important to me. I’m sorry.

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