Necessity and Desire

feminism, Journal

 

You’re quick to judge me, quick to change your mind, and hastily get angry. I can’t seem to open my mouth, have an opinion come out, without you sending some demeaning response, like “lol k.” to me.

My opinions are equally as valuable as yours. My ideas, thoughts, and opinions are just as valid as yours are – so why are you quick to dismiss me and what I have to say?

Sometimes – a lot of the time – it seems like you already have this notion in your head that we are going to disagree, so you don’t take the time to reconsider if you agree with me and instead automatically assume that we will disagree on everything.

I feel like you are playing me like a game because you think I’m naive – maybe it’s because you think I am dependent on you, or because you want to feel needed.

I have some news for you.

I don’t need you.

You’re in my life because I want you in it, and I like to think you want me in your life as well. But don’t think for a second that I couldn’t be happy without you. Don’t let the way I act when you ignore me and play games define who you think I am – I act that way, I act needy, because I have the desire to have a connection with you that is mutual.

The other night when I was over at your house, I got to thinking (a dangerous pastime), and I realized that you seemed to enjoy the fact that you could ignore me while I begged for your attention. And then I stopped begging, because I realized you liked that you had the illusion of control.

Tonight you called me naive – naive for being idealistic, for expecting human kindness from people, no.. not even human kindness, I just expected them to not be assholes.. For some reason you think that makes me naive.

I don’t believe I’m naive, and I also don’t feel the need to justify that belief of mine to you.

I just want to ask you to be less rude to me, to think about how your words affect me. Because, I do not need you, and our relationship is fragile – we have to take care of it – so don’t take for granted that I put up with being hurt, please take care of me in the ways that you can.. One day, an “lol k” might be the final straw I can take.

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