Long Time Coming

Journal

I feel like I cheat on all my homework now. I want to meet my teachers expectations and get all A’s, but I don’t trust myself enough to actually give my own intelligence a try – instead I look up answers online and fill in the blanks, I reword things until I have convinced myself I learned it, and then fail the tests.

I wish that I could say I deserved to be an AP student – I wish I was actually smart, that I could confidently sit in my AP classes and know I was intelligent.

People are consistently telling me how intelligent I am, but in the back of my head I’m saying “if only you knew how much I cheated on all of this”, and so when I get an A, it’s not satisfying. It’s a relief that I didn’t have to get scolded by a teacher, but actual satisfaction isn’t involved.


My relationship is really stressful too. At least it is right now.

Talon has been annoying me recently – he is loud and makes annoying jokes, and he is really blunt and insensitive at times. Plus he can be racist and transphobic. Sometimes I wonder where I will draw the line. When will enough be enough? What is the line between tolerance and passiveness? I want to let him be himself and also express his opinions without feeling like I need to change them so we think the exact same way — but at the same time, I feel really fucking wrong just sitting by as he says that calling a trans person by their preferred pronouns is “arguably” right.

TO ME, a trans girl is a girl. A trans dude is a dude. I will admit that when I actually have to use the correct pronouns for someone I’ve considered a different gender, I stumble. Who doesn’t? But I accept and embrace the trans community – I am Bi, anyone in the LGBTQ community is family to me. They always will be. And when Talon says that it’s ARGUABLE, I am speechless.

He also hasn’t exactly been the most body positive either – saying that Khloe Kardashians ass was too big for his taste… Then okay? She’s a beautiful woman, so is every other woman on the planet. Everyone is fucking beautiful. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful. Beauty standards, by no means, are dictated by Talon – but I would hope that he saw body positivity the same way I do.

I see a major difference between agreeing to disagree and passively allowing someone to be an ass. I feel like I have been passively ignoring his rude comments.. I’m not sure how I feel about this.

I also know that I can’t bring these things up for discussion because he would likely just shrug it off by saying “what am I supposed to do about this?”, “what am I supposed to say” or “I don’t see what the issue is” or some shit like that and it would just make me feel like I am making up a million and one issues that I don’t need to be because he’s so chill about this shit.

I mean, I can admit that I’m not always right – but these things aren’t my personal battle. I’m not black, I’m not trans, I’m also not Khloe Kardashian – but I do feel that I should defend the people who are being disparaged because they aren’t here to do it themselves.

He is also openly antifeminist and doesn’t believe there’s a gender pay gap, and when I showed him what I consider reliable sources (final thesis, .edu pages, etc.) he simply said that he didn’t really get what made those places reliable

I know I’m not always right – not even when it comes to social issues, but he doesn’t even really like Obama — who doesn’t like Obama??? He’s been an amazing president!

While he can be there for me sometimes, it’s not all the time. Right now for instance, I told him how stressed I was and all of a sudden he didn’t know how to respond — I’m sorry that I came to you hoping that you could comfort me in some way. I am frustrated because he is really bad at texting back and we won’t be able to physically hang out for like a week – plus he said I was clingy. Which pisses me off. Wanna see what I’m like when I’m  not clingy? I get myself seven fuck boys and don’t even bother with emotions. I get really fucking detached. I drag around dudes who are head over heels for me and I don’t even care about them. Why is it that he cares if I’m clingy? Does he not see that any of the dudes who I messed with would have given their first born son to satan to have that attention from me?

Oh, what is that, Talon? I’m being over confident? I have opinions? I actually am saying something that is pissing you off? Well now you know how it feels.

I don’t fucking know.

I really do like him, which is why I have put up with all that stuff, but man it sure can get to me.

He’s really comforting in person. I love him. But we have a lot we disagree on.

I actually think it says a lot that this is the only post I’ve written ranting about him – with other dudes it’s been a lot more at this point in the relationship.

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