They, Themselves, and I

Failure, forgotten, fuck you, Future, Her, home, Journal, no trust, Personal, school, Small Things

Yesterday was an insane and emotional day – it’s funny how one can mask their identity so easily while out in the public eye, it’s so convincing that they even believe it, and then the moment they get in the car, the mask melts away. They cry. They scream. The perfect mask they had acquired throughout the day, is meaningless.

The things that still hold meaning are what made them cry in physics, the things that are too deep for even their family to help with.

It’s when they’re last on the gym court during dodge ball and everyone is yelling at them to score and get everyone back in the game – yet they fail to. Losing the game.

It’s when their PE coach comments about how their tshirt is getting “looser” and that they are “getting better” at the mile — even though they still only got 9:30 on it. They know it’s not the best time in the world, and would rather not have her comment on it.

It’s when they’re in the car on their way home, and their mom asks how their day went, how school was, and they can’t even respond without a flood of tears ensuing.

It’s when they are laying in bed at 1:47pm and the next week they have finals and all they can think about is how calming death sounds. How easy it would be for them to just jump.

It’s when they’re sitting in the dressing room during rehearsal and they can’t allow themselves to think about themselves or how they’re going no where in life already, because the director instructed that everyone “check their baggage at the door” – they can’t let anyone know that their costume makes them feel ugly because every other princess in the show got a hoop skirt but them self.

It’s when they can’t allow their stories to become person, so they resort to talking about them self in the third person.

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Long Time Coming

Journal

I feel like I cheat on all my homework now. I want to meet my teachers expectations and get all A’s, but I don’t trust myself enough to actually give my own intelligence a try – instead I look up answers online and fill in the blanks, I reword things until I have convinced myself I learned it, and then fail the tests.

I wish that I could say I deserved to be an AP student – I wish I was actually smart, that I could confidently sit in my AP classes and know I was intelligent.

People are consistently telling me how intelligent I am, but in the back of my head I’m saying “if only you knew how much I cheated on all of this”, and so when I get an A, it’s not satisfying. It’s a relief that I didn’t have to get scolded by a teacher, but actual satisfaction isn’t involved.


My relationship is really stressful too. At least it is right now.

Talon has been annoying me recently – he is loud and makes annoying jokes, and he is really blunt and insensitive at times. Plus he can be racist and transphobic. Sometimes I wonder where I will draw the line. When will enough be enough? What is the line between tolerance and passiveness? I want to let him be himself and also express his opinions without feeling like I need to change them so we think the exact same way — but at the same time, I feel really fucking wrong just sitting by as he says that calling a trans person by their preferred pronouns is “arguably” right.

TO ME, a trans girl is a girl. A trans dude is a dude. I will admit that when I actually have to use the correct pronouns for someone I’ve considered a different gender, I stumble. Who doesn’t? But I accept and embrace the trans community – I am Bi, anyone in the LGBTQ community is family to me. They always will be. And when Talon says that it’s ARGUABLE, I am speechless.

He also hasn’t exactly been the most body positive either – saying that Khloe Kardashians ass was too big for his taste… Then okay? She’s a beautiful woman, so is every other woman on the planet. Everyone is fucking beautiful. Everyone deserves to feel beautiful. Beauty standards, by no means, are dictated by Talon – but I would hope that he saw body positivity the same way I do.

I see a major difference between agreeing to disagree and passively allowing someone to be an ass. I feel like I have been passively ignoring his rude comments.. I’m not sure how I feel about this.

I also know that I can’t bring these things up for discussion because he would likely just shrug it off by saying “what am I supposed to do about this?”, “what am I supposed to say” or “I don’t see what the issue is” or some shit like that and it would just make me feel like I am making up a million and one issues that I don’t need to be because he’s so chill about this shit.

I mean, I can admit that I’m not always right – but these things aren’t my personal battle. I’m not black, I’m not trans, I’m also not Khloe Kardashian – but I do feel that I should defend the people who are being disparaged because they aren’t here to do it themselves.

He is also openly antifeminist and doesn’t believe there’s a gender pay gap, and when I showed him what I consider reliable sources (final thesis, .edu pages, etc.) he simply said that he didn’t really get what made those places reliable

I know I’m not always right – not even when it comes to social issues, but he doesn’t even really like Obama — who doesn’t like Obama??? He’s been an amazing president!

While he can be there for me sometimes, it’s not all the time. Right now for instance, I told him how stressed I was and all of a sudden he didn’t know how to respond — I’m sorry that I came to you hoping that you could comfort me in some way. I am frustrated because he is really bad at texting back and we won’t be able to physically hang out for like a week – plus he said I was clingy. Which pisses me off. Wanna see what I’m like when I’m  not clingy? I get myself seven fuck boys and don’t even bother with emotions. I get really fucking detached. I drag around dudes who are head over heels for me and I don’t even care about them. Why is it that he cares if I’m clingy? Does he not see that any of the dudes who I messed with would have given their first born son to satan to have that attention from me?

Oh, what is that, Talon? I’m being over confident? I have opinions? I actually am saying something that is pissing you off? Well now you know how it feels.

I don’t fucking know.

I really do like him, which is why I have put up with all that stuff, but man it sure can get to me.

He’s really comforting in person. I love him. But we have a lot we disagree on.

I actually think it says a lot that this is the only post I’ve written ranting about him – with other dudes it’s been a lot more at this point in the relationship.