F is for Failing

Failure, fuck you, Future, home, Humanist, Journal, New, no trust, school

I feel miserable.

I feel stupid.

I have one A.

I have one B..

I have three C’s.

I have one D.

I have one F.

I didn’t think high school would be this difficult.

I wake up in the morning, crawl out of bed and loath the day coming.

I feel like throwing up most days and I’m not sure why.

I always have a throbbing headache now.

I am self conscious about things that never used to bother me.

I find myself binge eating more than ever.

I hate myself for binge eating because I know I hate being unfit when I’m in PE.

I see the kids in PE and wonder why I let myself get where I have.

I see the kids in PE and hate that I can’t do a pushup.

I get home, look in the mirror, and I don’t look like myself anymore.

I find myself crying when I lay in bed at night.

I don’t know why.

I kick myself because there are other kids at my school who are in multiple AP classes.

They can keep their grades up. I don’t know why I can’t.

They are the kids who are in anatomy and chemistry, they can keep their grades up.

They know how to take the tests and do well on them.

These kids know how to do these things I have never done before.

I’m really stressed.

I’m second guessing everything I have ever thought of myself.

Some things haven’t changed.

I cheated on my physics homework last night.

I can’t live up to the standards I used to hold myself to.

This week, I’ve contemplated ending it all more than I would like to admit.

I’ve contemplated dropping out of school.

I’ve thought about how easy it would be to just walk into a busy street.

I get home and there is drama.

I have to do my homework.

I stay up late to get it all done.

I leave home and there is drama.

I get to school and I feel judgement.

I get to class early, judgement.

I get to class late, judgement.

I walk in the halls, judgement.

I change into my PE clothes, judgement.

Walking to class, there is judgement.

In the bathroom, waiting in line, judgement.

I have anxiety like never before – I can’t do any of my hobbies anymore.

Watch tv shows? Not unless I want to fail.

Fail. Failure. Loser. Slow. Incapable. Over confident. Fat. Awkward.

I just want a friend. A close friend. I don’t have one anymore.. In fact, I don’t really have anyone to confide in. My mom never has been good at those things, Riley doesn’t like to have me bringing her down, and that leaves Talon. To him, this is just self-loathing. Thanks. I have no real friends yet – there’s Allison in PE but we don’t talk or see eachother outside of there, and there is Noah. Sadly, I think those are the two people I have made acquaintances with. Noah wouldn’t be able to help and it would be weird of me to talk to him about anything besides the homework we have in common. I don’t even know Allison’s last name.

Once again, I find myself in this place. I am alone. I am left to solve things by myself and with no one to give me sound advice that I can actually apply to my life. I guess that makes you, my readers, the only people connected to me this personally. I don’t know your faces, I don’t know your names, I don’t even know if you like me, but thank you. You’re here when I need you, you listen. You take the time to read what I am saying, despite how completely meaningless it feels.

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