What’s Going on Here?

equality, Future, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, New, Partner, Personal, Small Things

I don’t quite understand this yet, but I’m hoping that through writing things out as I go I can gain some knowledge.. I feel like things have been distant between us. I feel like you haven’t been as attentive as you were before, when we were first talking. It’s made me start questioning.. Not question my feelings, not even question your feelings, because I trust those are both true. But I have begun to question if we started dating too fast.

I’m nervous about a lot of things, insecure about them even, and I’m voicing these so we can be aware of the things that worry me and not make them worse if they have any merit. If you have any worries, I would hope you would feel comfortable enough to tell me.

Now, before I begin, these worries could all be a product of hormones and overthinking, but to be safe I am writing them out.

I’m worried that we started dating before we really got to know eachother. I’m worried that the connection we have won’t last. I got to thinking, while I was cooking myself dinner the other night, that most kids who start dating in high school don’t last as couples. I mean, there are the select few who stick together, but they are few. I’m worried that this is more important and serious to me than it is to you. I’m worried that I can’t get you off. I’m worried that we are just different enough for things to not work out in the long run.

I also thought about how I haven’t had a relationship that lasted, that by May we might not be together because that just happens to be the time of year when I have broken up both times.

I don’t want you to change anything for me. Long term relationships only work when both parties are being themselves with each other. I get that you adapt well, but that’s a different thing, adapting and completely changing yourself for people are entirely different. If you change for someone, you are denying who you are. If you adapt, you are acknowledging your surroundings and through being yourself are making the other people comfortable in the ways you know how that you think they will appreciate. I think, right?

I find that when you respond in short, quick messages, I can’t reply in a meaningful way. It actually upsets me because I really want to continue a conversation with you but I can’t because it feels like you could care less that we are texting. What has been communicated through the short, quick, meaningless responses is a lack of effort and a sense that you don’t care if we do or don’t talk.. Now, I will obviously try to understand where you’re coming from here (and I have tried to already) if you just don’t like being on your phone or texting the entire day.. but if you know I’ve had a bad day and we haven’t been talking that day, please don’t ignore me all night playing video games and forget to say goodnight. Those things do mean something to me. Even if I don’t see that goodnight text before I go to sleep, waking up and seeing a message from you makes me happy. In fact, any form of reassurance that you care about me is always welcome because I tend to doubt that in everyone.

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