Right now I need to cry. I don’t know why, I’m not sure what is making me feel like this. Is it my doubts? My fears? My intuition? Can I sense that something is not right, or am I making a problem?
Isn’t that my life in a nutshell? I worry, make issues (referencing: sam), or I assume I have made an issue and later find out that I was correct the entire time (referencing: megan/cadence)..
My intuition told me to not trust Cadence because he was so close with Megan – now my intuition is telling me to be alert. It’s telling me to keep my eyes open, pay attention to my situations.. Should I trust? Opening myself up to trust someone new is terrifying.. They can hurt me, they could end up being untrustworthy, or they could just be playing with me.
I’m too eager. I care too much. I love too much. I’m too sensitive. I am too much.
What if he isn’t over her? What if this really means nothing to him and he’s just good with words and convincing me? What if.. There are so many what ifs.
I started questioning when I felt distance, wondering if this was really as great as I had assumed. Most things aren’t. Most things disappoint, hurt, or anger me once I find out the truth. I’m hesitant to care.. I’m nervous because if this isn’t some sort of satirical joke, it’s not going to be like the last two. Somehow, it will be realistic for me. I don’t have plans to move away. I don’t have a college I’m set on. I don’t even have any set plans for my future.. This could end up being longer than any other relationship I have had.
I don’t want to commit myself to someone who isn’t ready, to someone who I might not be sexually compatible with, to someone who after the first week of seeing eachother already is wanting a break. Is it doomed from the start? Are these things workable? Am I finding issues where they aren’t?
On the other side of the argument.. The last time I felt as relaxed as I do in his arms, I was an infant. He makes me calm, happy, relaxed. He makes me smile naturally, like no one else has been able to do since before the divorce. Then I must pose the question to myself – am I being too attached too soon? Do I care too much? Did I allow myself to be too vulnerable too soon? Push things too far too fast?
I wish I understood, but I never understand. I wish I wasn’t as inhibited as I have become since moving. I also wish I wasn’t abused, but we all know how that worked out.