Mental Preparation

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I believe that I’m beautiful, that I’m intelligent, I believe that people can like me. I also believe that when I like someone, I drive them away. Zach, Jacob (not dietz, the one with the curly hair from San Francisco) I liked both of them from the moment I laid eyes on them. I didn’t just like them, I was obsessed with something about them. I don’t know what it is, but they both  possess something similar that draws me to them like no one else has. Is that attraction? Is that what Sam and Cadence were missing?

I don’t know how to control myself around people who I’m attracted to.. I always feel so good, I feel like they must feel the same way toward me. But then I realize something, it’s the smallest thing at first, a short message or something they say – I doubt. But I continue, assuming I’m reading into it too much. He’s into me. Obviously. Then they take awhile to respond and I’m eagerly awaiting their replies. Thirty minutes. An hour. Two hours. twenty-three. I send another message just in case they didn’t know  how to continue the conversation. thirty minutes. an hour.. I’m crushed. It’s not as bad as before, but I doubt myself: my personality, the way I dress, how I communicate, my body, the way I take selfies, was I too ambitious..? What did I do this time to push away the ones I’m attracted to?

I’m mentally preparing myself for tomorrow morning when I wake up and there’s still no text. No snapchat. There will be nothing except the possible snapchat from Leslie or Justin or Katie. A facebook memory. No Ribbon in bed next to me. No Kendra in the top bunk. I’ll be alone. Sam will be there, but we don’t communicate well when one of us is distressed.

I really thought Jacob was into me. We got along, he asked questions, he loved my eyes. What changed? I pushed too hard, was too possessive, I must have been overbearing, sent too many texts before he replied. I must have been too eager, had too much passion, or maybe I overshared, maybe I was too real and talked about things that hurt too much. He didn’t open up to me like I did to him. Did I not ask enough questions about him? Am I too annoying? I must be too annoying.

I talk too much. I’m too selfish.

He isn’t responding. He must not be interested in me. I must not be interesting.

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