Every time I think about my relationship with Cadence (specifically how it ended), I’m filled with rage. It’s been like four months already, but when I see a status of his on Facebook or see Megan’s friends online, I get angry and frustrated..
It’s different than how I felt about Sam when we broke up – maybe that’s because Cadence broke up with me (I was intending to do it too, but there’s a form of belittlement and shame that goes along with being broken up with that hurts in a different way), or maybe it’s because I doubted his monogamy toward me while we were together.. Or that I question if he ever stopped caring for Megan.
It’s different from Sam because I never questioned if he loved me – he was loyal and good. Cadence, on the other hand.. Things happened that made me question everything I thought I knew when we were together, I thought I could trust him. I told him things I hadn’t told anyone else. I fell asleep in his arms and let myself pour out and made myself trust him because I remember wondering if I could ever trust a man after my father had been so abusive..
So I put myself out there – I trusted him – what did I get in return? Information that he still had feelings for Megan. It killed me. Not because I sincerely liked him, but because I put effort into trusting him and he hurt me, used the things I told him against me.
I was torn apart, what was I supposed to do? I had made myself vulnerable to him, and he took that opportunity to fuck me over.
I don’t want these trust issues. I don’t want to question everyone’s motives when they try to be a part of my life. I don’t want to be this con man who always has to have the upperhand because they’re scared someone will hurt them. I want to be openly vulnerable with my emotions, to be an open book with no secrets.. But I do have secrets, and I guard them with dear life because they are all I have. Those secrets are the only things I have control over once shit hits the fan. They are my security blanket that catch me when I have to jump off a 7 story building that’s on fire. They protect me from the Cadence’s and Art’s..
Just writing this out has helped me immensely. I realized that the anger I was feeling was just a topical emotion – there was a lot under it that meant a lot more.
I’m hurt that I put myself out there and Cadence squashed me like a grape.