I’ve probably started writing five different posts in this one sitting. I haven’t liked any of them, they didn’t flow, they didn’t work, or half way through I just stopped liking what I had to say.
I can’t find any music that suits my emotions right now.
But I want to write and I want to listen to music.
I miss performing piano in front of large audiences.. I miss the anxiety when the person before me was up, the first step on stage and I have so much adrenaline that it feels like no time is passing, when my fingers press the first keys and I have it so well memorized it’s best to not think at all so I don’t mess myself up, and the finale, when I would take a stand and bow.. The thrill.. I just spent half a year perfecting a piece, and it was performed in under five minutes. The audience doesn’t see the frustrated kid trying to decipher notes or the silly practicing when I finally know the song and change the octave.. They don’t see the tears and screaming when I’m alone and can’t get the timing right, or the lessons that exhaust beyond measure and require a long nap to recover from… The relief and joy when I finally understand a measure after weeks of having trouble with it. The blood, sweat, and tears of being a pianist.