Life Update: Soul Sucking Life

Blame, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, fuck you, Future, Jealousy, Journal, Memories, Personal, school, Uncategorized

It’s really unfair, we live in a world where people don’t get invited to parties, where old friends forget you, and other people have it a whole lot better.

I figure I must come off as such an angry and jealous person, which I am.. But I see my friends and cousins, acquaintances too, who have parents that are still together, who have lawyers for fathers and BMW’s.. They have their own rooms, and more rooms in their houses than people living in them..

I’ve had that lifestyle before, which is one of the reasons it makes me so angry. I’ve had that. I’ve been able to live and not worry about the household income, where I didn’t have to think twice about every item in our shopping cart because of the price and worrying if we’ll have enough until the next paycheck.

I systematically turn off lights and other electricity-eating things because no one else bothers to and I’m worried that one month we won’t have enough money to pay everything.

Then there are those months where unexpected fees and bills pop up, and this time I’m really worried we won’t have enough for the month. We got an unexpected fee for $750 attached to our rent, which amounted to $2,000 when it was all said and done.

It must be nice to not worry about those things.. It must be nice to live in a loving family. To not have an assload of mental illnesses. To not worry about bills or prices.. To be able to hang out with friends and seamlessly enjoy time with other people.

My mom is quitting her job.. She can’t support all of us, even with a manager’s salary, and they just added a new person to her showroom floor, which means that she’ll be getting paid less. There’s this job that will be more stable, she’ll get a steady $30,000 a year.

On top of all this, I see my friends from my hometown posting pictures of their summer parties and I’m 141 miles away, my life not any better than when I was there. I’m not even doing drivers ed because it’s too expensive.

I feel like I’m asking the world of the people in my life if I ask for even the smallest thing, but I keep their secrets and I cry myself to sleep. I try to keep to myself so I don’t burden them. But now Riley is considering backpacking through Europe with her boyfriend indefinitely and then I’ll be the oldest kid in the house and I won’t have her as my support or as a friend anymore and she is literally my only friend over here. Then I think about the next two years for me.. I’ll be home schooled..  No opportunities to make friends.. I’m going to spend my last years as an adolescent cooped up in a small condo with a toddler unless I make a change.


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