I’ve always wanted to love someone and to be loved back – in first grade, I wondered what it would be like to kiss Max’s lips. In third grade, I started to see some issues with love surface that I’m still dealing with. Tristan was an ugly boy, he was a dumb boy, he was even poor.. But he was funny, and I liked him. Of course, I didn’t know I liked him. He made me so angry. I would have told you I hated him if you had asked. One time, I did this really stupid thing because he was making me so angry.. I wrote an insult on his table with my pencil.. I meant to erase it after he saw it, but I forgot and later both Tristan and I got pulled out of class to see the teacher because of it.
The point is, when there are feelings between a person and I, my gut reaction is
to be repulsed. To ruin it. To run and hide because.. no.
I wish I could understand this, because I desperately want to be in love and in a happy, functioning relationship where both parties are pleased with what’s happening and where it is going. But often times, I get in the way of that.. I sabotage it. There’s this gut instinct to ruin anything happy I might’ve had..
I mean, there is always the argument that I’ve possibly never been in a relationship that I was happy with. Never been with someone I could see myself with long term.. Maybe I just haven’t been in a relationship with someone I would want to be in a relationship with..
I’m just scared that the latter is not the case.. That I have been with someone where things could have worked out and I ruined it with my instinctual need to fuck up relationships..
Now, I am lucky that I have realized this because so far, I’ve only been in relationships that were not serious. They were high school, silly, makeout relationships. If they had been serious, long term ones.. Things would be more concerning.