I’m poor. My family is poor. I only have savings that I set aside myself, my mom can’t pay for my college, and after a game of monopoly I’ve started seeing the world a completely different way. Three people can start the game with the same amount of money – they can all make thoughtful moves, but two can end up bankrupt while the third person is swimming in cash and has hotels on all their lands.
I lost faith in my future.. Where once I had thought that I could go out and make a name for myself, I’m wondering if those dreams are possible for anyone. Let alone me.. My mom works full time, and she’s the best at her job.. But she isn’t making enough to rent a two bedroom condo, when she needs a house to fit her family of five (who have regular visitors, so we might as well say 6+). My mom is considering looking for another job, which is nearly impossible since she’s working full time already. But it is how it is, and we aren’t making enough to support all of us. Bryan really needs a job, and fast. Fuck.. I even need to get a job, just so that I can be a social person and do things.
What am I supposed to do when I graduate high school? College doesn’t guarantee a job, and racking up student debt is a terrible idea if I can’t make enough money to pay it off. I like to think that I am doing everything I can to educate myself on what my future entails as an adult. I’m going to learn how to do my taxes, vote, drive, and do the things I need to be a good citizen.. But how can I be expected to do all these things? How can I be expected to get a job that allows me to pay for rent, utilities, taxes, groceries, gas, and all the debt I’m going to have from buying a car and going to college? How am I going to maintain a full time job alongside going to college?
I’m not a magician, I can’t pull money out of thin air or juggle all those expenses while trying to make something of myself..
All of a sudden, all of my big dreams and fanciful ideas feel naive and unobtainable. I will likely never be a CEO of some major business in New York, New York. I will probably never own a luxurious apartment in the Upper East Side or even a Birkin for that matter.. I’ll probably end up back in The Valley and doing some sad and uninspiring job that sucks the life out of me, just to make ends meet. I’ll end up going to community college and at a minimum wage job with kids and a husband I don’t love. I won’t be going to Yale or Harvard, I won’t travel the world in luxury, and I won’t even own a Steinway.
I see where I stand in the world. I understand my place.. There is little chance that I will ever succeed beyond a manager at some department store