I’m Suspicious (with reason)

Blame, equality, feminism, forgotten, fuck you, Future, Her, Hope, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust

I’ve been considering things, and I’ve known for quite some time that I was uncomfortable with my reaction to Cadence/Megan (aka Bitch Faced Cunt). How I had essentially blamed Megan for Cadence’s actions, how I took it out on her. It made me feel like a terrible feminist, like a terrible person.

After a conversation with my mom this evening, it came to me. I wasn’t a bad person or feminist for reacting the way I did. If Megan had been a man in the same scenario, I would have reacted the same way. I wasn’t degrading her as a girl, I was degrading her because she was a shitty person who did some shitty things. I had my reasons for being suspicious about her during my relationship with Cadence, and it turned out the suspicions were accurate.

I went through Cadence’s messages with her before (with his consent), and his reactions when I was on his phone made me uncomfortable. He looked nervous, he had that look in his eye – he was scared I was going to find something..

And I found out Cadence wasn’t a trustworthy dude. He sent nude photos of me to his best friend and lied to me about it when I confronted him.. He would lie to me about how often he talked to Megan.. Those things themselves really don’t bother me.. So what? Another dude has seen my breasts, I really don’t give a fuck about that. But he lied to me. And so what? He was talking to one of his friends, Megan. I wouldn’t have cared, but he lied.

He made himself suspicious by lying. He made himself a douchebag by lying. He was never the most trustworthy looking guy, I mean, he got banned from Target for loitering in the chip aisle and he knew how to slash tires (!?) which really should have sent more warning lights off than it originally did (duly noted, and to be assessed later), plus his parents were also banned from a whole city and his dad went to prison.. They also illegally sold pot.

Man. Bad family. I should really count my “blessings” that I got out of that relationship and it didn’t get any more serious.

The entire reason for this post is that I no longer need to feel guilty about my reaction to what happened, I blamed her not because of jealousy of her as a girl or because I was angry at Cadence, both of which I was accused of, but because the entire time I was right and as much as those two would like to deny my own accusations about how they did things together that they knew I would be uncomfortable and hid it from me, then lied about it, it happened and because it happened, I am entitled to feel as angry, annoyed, or flustered as I goddamn want to.

They can no longer make me feel inferior about having emotions or for having a negative reaction to something that they repeatedly lied and hid from me. I guess they were angry more that I had found out and less that it had happened.

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