fuck you, Future, Hope, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, Peace, Personal, Smiling, Uncategorized

What happened to my views of love? I feel so cynical, thinking anyone I’ll date will end up being a disappointment. I mean, sure, the first two were. But going into those relationships, I wasn’t really in love with them. There were things I knew that I didn’t like about them. Things that really annoyed me, that I thought I could look past.

With Sam, it was because he shaved his hair and never smiled.

With Cadence, it was his moles and immaturity.

I want to know when I started lowering my standards.. I used to have this crush on a guy who was my image of perfection.. He was clean, cute, and even in first grade he was an overachiever. Like, Max was perfect.

We were in the same piano studio, he was in my homeroom, and I mean, who wouldn’t have liked me? Sure I was a little awkward and had glasses and always wore ponytails, but I was obviously adorable.

Sure, I hated P.E., and when I wasn’t in class, my nose was in a book.. But, I remember losing sleep over Max.

Laying there, my heart would beat faster just thinking of him. It would make me smile, my stomach would flutter, I would be happy.

He never gave me a second glance, though. I continued to see him even after I left that school because of our piano studio – but he still didn’t care to look my way. Max was my first major crush – fuck.. I mean, I still would get nervous for my concerts -just- because I knew he would be in the audience. (He always looked cute in a tuxedo)

I have one memory of when we were still in school together when he spoke to me – it was right before show and tell, I had forgotten to bring something, but I always had piano lessons after school, so I figured, why not talk about the piece I was playing? Well.. as I walked up to the front of the room, he loudly asked, “It’s your music, isn’t it?” and the way he asked was condescending, like I had nothing else in my life worth showing. Which, he wasn’t exactly wrong.. but still! Music ended up being a huge part of my life.

But, he’s way less attractive to me now because I found out he’s ultra-conservative. HA. But there goes reality, crushin’ my dreams.

I also felt that way about Zach – but oh my god was that awful. Like… shit. Everytime I think about that, I cringe. He never responded, and then I find out he’s going to Paris for a year, and I feel awful. Oh.. I can’t write about it without wanting to shut myself in for the rest of my life.

He totally rejected me.

I mean, he did have reason, and now he’s with this girl and they are the absolute cutest together. But I feel so fucking awkward about how things went down between he and I.

I guess I got intimidated by him after I found out his family was loaded, which was after he rejected me. So that really just added a little more fuel to my fire of shame and cowardice.

I CAN’T THINK ABOUT IT. Oh god.. The awkwardness… The cringing.. Okay, I have to be done thinking about that for now because this isn’t good.


One thought on “Love

  1. I don’t blame you for being cynical. I’m also a cynical person. It keeps you alert and safe, but at the same time, it can hold you back from taking risks. I find that having back up plans, or at least being prepared for the worst, gives me the confidence to take risks. I think that might help you too.

    Liked by 1 person

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