Listen – I can still hear the arguing,
The breaking shot glasses against the wall.
Neatly tucked away in the dark, I huddled; weeping in silence so the beast would not hear.
Tightened breathing, darkened room, cold doorframe where shadows grew.
When there was silence, it was overwhelming.

He was convinced they were listening, prying at our family, peeking behind our doors.
I crowded into bathtubs, hid from bullets that were seeking.
Covered the baby with my body, cried to Jesus to stop the fighting.
Diesel engines left running, in the haunting nightmare I couldn’t be woken from.

In my mind, they will always be there. The noises will stay.
Alcohol being poured, drunk men chattering on the porch.
The sound of the locking door, parents fucking
Not thinking about their poor daughter’s ears a wall away.

 

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Journal, Memories, Personal, Poetry, Poetry Wednesday

I’m Suspicious (with reason)

Blame, equality, feminism, forgotten, fuck you, Future, Her, Hope, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust

I’ve been considering things, and I’ve known for quite some time that I was uncomfortable with my reaction to Cadence/Megan (aka Bitch Faced Cunt). How I had essentially blamed Megan for Cadence’s actions, how I took it out on her. It made me feel like a terrible feminist, like a terrible person.

After a conversation with my mom this evening, it came to me. I wasn’t a bad person or feminist for reacting the way I did. If Megan had been a man in the same scenario, I would have reacted the same way. I wasn’t degrading her as a girl, I was degrading her because she was a shitty person who did some shitty things. I had my reasons for being suspicious about her during my relationship with Cadence, and it turned out the suspicions were accurate.

I went through Cadence’s messages with her before (with his consent), and his reactions when I was on his phone made me uncomfortable. He looked nervous, he had that look in his eye – he was scared I was going to find something..

And I found out Cadence wasn’t a trustworthy dude. He sent nude photos of me to his best friend and lied to me about it when I confronted him.. He would lie to me about how often he talked to Megan.. Those things themselves really don’t bother me.. So what? Another dude has seen my breasts, I really don’t give a fuck about that. But he lied to me. And so what? He was talking to one of his friends, Megan. I wouldn’t have cared, but he lied.

He made himself suspicious by lying. He made himself a douchebag by lying. He was never the most trustworthy looking guy, I mean, he got banned from Target for loitering in the chip aisle and he knew how to slash tires (!?) which really should have sent more warning lights off than it originally did (duly noted, and to be assessed later), plus his parents were also banned from a whole city and his dad went to prison.. They also illegally sold pot.

Man. Bad family. I should really count my “blessings” that I got out of that relationship and it didn’t get any more serious.

The entire reason for this post is that I no longer need to feel guilty about my reaction to what happened, I blamed her not because of jealousy of her as a girl or because I was angry at Cadence, both of which I was accused of, but because the entire time I was right and as much as those two would like to deny my own accusations about how they did things together that they knew I would be uncomfortable and hid it from me, then lied about it, it happened and because it happened, I am entitled to feel as angry, annoyed, or flustered as I goddamn want to.

They can no longer make me feel inferior about having emotions or for having a negative reaction to something that they repeatedly lied and hid from me. I guess they were angry more that I had found out and less that it had happened.

Brave

Uncategorized

SLHARPERPOETRY

towering pine

Some things leave no room for misunderstanding,
like your climbs to the tops of towering pines,
and your belief that you can never cry.

At age five, you dream of a woman
with wings like a bat dressed all in black.
She swoops down, grabs you, pins you in her lap,
and while hitting you over and over, she’s whispering
that it will end when you stop struggling;
so you pretend to relax until her grip loosens
and then you fight to escape, but each time
her strength overwhelms you. It takes
several beatings before you realize
she is trying to help you, she is teaching you
how to be brave—
how to be so still
that you can let yourself have no feeling
when the scratchy hands are pressing into you,
like the night lets itself be swallowed by darkness.

An eight-year-old now, you’re standing
outside their locked bedroom door…

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Happy Father’s Day: Whores and Addiction

dads, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, fuck you, Journal, Memories, no trust, Personal, sexual harassment

This Father’s Day I will quietly, but unashamedly, denounce Father’s Day because my father was no father to me.

For years, I would listen to the sound of his voice echo throughout our house as my family would try to sleep. His drunken, loud, angry voice yelling at my mom about things she could not control. The same man who threw my sweet, innocent puppy into our concrete patio,breaking some of her ribs…

ronpup

(This could be her as a puppy, the resemblance is uncanny)

The man who slept with prostitutes when working out of town – and didn’t tell my mom before sleeping with her again. Who drank profusely and stared at his twelve year-old daughters breasts that puberty had spit upon her chest. He wasn’t a graceful man, he wasn’t a nice man, he wasn’t even kind. As the naive and uneducated kid that I was, I loved him. He made my life. I was Daddy’s Girl.

As much as I wish I could still accept him, I know things that tore apart any love or sentiment I had for him. He did things that can’t be reversed with an apology, or with a fatherly kiss on the forehead. Even those kisses he planted on my forehead when he left for work have been tarnished because of reckless actions he didn’t have to take. He let his addiction come before his family, he let his love for whores come before his daughters, he let his lust for breasts taint the way I will see him for the rest of my life.

We lived in fear of what he would do next and we sure made hell seem happy – in our nicely furnished home, with our name brand clothing and smiles plastered to our faces. Mom gently reminding us “Don’t air your dirty laundry“, because she knew exactly what would happen if people found out what happened behind our closed doors.  We did such a good job hiding it, when we finally came out and proclaimed the truth, no one believed us.

So, no. I am not celebrating father’s day. I understand that some people have nice fathers, however foreign that may seem to me right now. Some people love their dads, they might even have good relationships with them.. But to me, father’s day may as well be what Hanukkah is to an Atheist: absolutely meaningless.

Deep Wounds From Cupid.

dads, Domestic Violence, Family, fathers, forgotten, fuck you, Future, Hope, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust, Personal, Uncategorized

This is a letter to myself – where I am pure me. Where I get personal, real, and talk about things that I would never consider telling the truth about.

978 people on OkCupid liked my profile – I’m almost to 1,000 and I’m already one of the hottest people on the app. They sent me this email and IDK, maybe they send it to people who have gotten a certain number of messages, but they said I was one of their “hottest” users and that since I got to that point, they would only show me to people who were equally as hot.

I average forty messages a day from new people, I’ve had a ton of guys confess their feelings to me in person.. So why do I have this voice in the back of my head telling me I’m ugly, worthless, and useless?

I’ve had Dustyn, Eli, Caleb, Ruben, Samuel, Michael, Matt, Garrett, Sam, Cadence and so many other people confess their feelings for me. Why is it that I think no one likes me?

I mean, if we’re gonna get super deep, maybe it’s because of my dad. He used to tell me things like that over and over again, he had me so well trained, I would do it to myself at night “I’m worthless, I’m worthless, I’m worthless.” I would say it over and over again to myself before bed, I needed to make myself think it, because if my dad believed it, well.. It had to be true. I had to be worthless, lazy, and scared to work because dad said so.

Is that what this is all about? Is my insecurity my fault, my father’s, or no one’s? Am I broken and feel like I can’t be loved because my home growing up was broken and had no love? Is that what’s going on? Is this why I feel it’s so important to be independent? Because I can’t stand to let myself have another person waltz into my life and abuse me until I’m so fucked up that I can’t love someone, then drop me like a glass dish on concrete to go fuck an old horse lady?

Also, I’m angry-jealous at my little sister because she’s spent more time with my dad than I ever have. He spends time with her and does things like go to the zoo with her… I’ve NEVER been to the zoo with my dad. Why does he care about her but not me? Did he not care about me the same way he cares about Kendra? Am I just unloveable?

I guess all the reasons above are the underlying issues about my insecurities. Why I have a hard time letting myself care about another person deeply. Why I haven’t cared about someone thinking it would be long term… ever.

Every time I like someone, I like to set an expiration date. With Sam, it was the end of the school year before I went to Ashland, Oregon. With Cadence, it was when I moved. I knew I needed to cut things off before they got too serious. I knew I couldn’t let them stay with me for a long time.. When our future would come up in conversation, I would laugh it off or change the subject. The idea of a future terrified me. I don’t want to stay with one person, I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to anyone like that again. Being vulnerable to my father got me the deepest wound I’ve got. PTSD, anxiety attacks, and insecurities.

Zatoichi

fuck you, Her, Jealousy, Journal, Love, no trust, Personal, Uncategorized

Why do I let this get to me? I mean.. It makes me angry – it makes me jealous. I’m mad.

Why am I mad?? It’s like being a little kid on the playground and someone just took my toy, but just multiply that by one hundred and make the situation about two guys and another girl and how everyone has always compared us.

I don’t hate her – she’s been my friend for six years. I like her. But the fact that people have made her my competition angers me. I love her, I love who she is.

I know that but Cadence had a thing for her and so did this other guy I know, so did stephen, so did a million other guys. She is an awesome person, so how can I be angry about this? Because any chance of Cadence liking her now totally angers me?

Because it does.

He likes her posts now. He talks to other girls. Why does that upset me if I don’t like him? I don’t want my exes to date people, I do the same thing to Sam, my other ex. I sometimes feel like I could still like him.. But he was too hurt by me and won’t talk to me for longer than a few hours.

I talked to Sam today.. He gives me this sort of comfort – maybe it’s because when we were together, I gave him all of my love and attention. I also really cared for him in a way I could care for a first boyfriend.

I still feel connected to him and I found out that one of the major reasons I broke up with him wasn’t even real.. I thought he was conservative/right wing, but apparently he’s a fucking liberal. HOW didn’t I know that? We dated for seven months.

I guess we never discussed politics. Or anything remotely important or opinion based.

But still….

 

Box Of Resentment

Blame, forgotten, fuck you, Hope, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust, Personal, Uncategorized

So, I’ve left my ex-boyfriend box sit for a month since my last breakup. It’s time to go through it..

I was just on facebook and saw a comment from Cadence on a mutual friend’s post.. I liked his comment passive aggressively. That’s when I knew it was time to go through and item by item release some of what emotions for him that are left in me.

  • The stuffed animal we made together at Build-A-Bear.. It’s still cute, just tainted with unhappy memories.
  • Next is a shirt his mom gave me. I never wore it..
  • Matching pillowcases I gave him for Christmas..
  • A harry potter figurine
  • A harry potter tshirt he gave me
  • His favorite tshirt of Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas
  • A Zelda tshirt
  • A pair of christmas socks from his mom
  • A jacket from his mom
  • Our matching ying and yang necklaces
  • A deck of magic cards we bought together.

This is hard, I knew it would be.

What hurts most is that I know he cared so much and the entire time I knew it would end. I knew I was moving. I knew I didn’t want a Long Distance Relationship. I knew the whole time that there was something there with Megan (Bitch Faced  Cunt)

I just wanted one last time where I felt loved, I wanted to be held, and I knew I didn’t want to spend another Valentine’s alone..

What I did was wrong. I shouldn’t have dated him solely because I was lonely.

And I don’t want to spend another Valentine’s alone. I don’t want to be single for christmas.. But I also don’t want to date someone that I’m not invested in or don’t love. Love is hard to find.

I wish that breakups didn’t end with resentment and anger – I wish I could eat without consequences too, though. There’s a lot that I want. There’s even more that I can’t have.

Dirty Dishes and Climaxing

Family, Future, Journal, Love, Memories, no trust, Personal, sex, Sexuality, Uncategorized

To say that I am confused or that I don’t understand the things that have happened to me would be an understatement. I believe that under all the stress and mental illnesses that have crept in and hijacked my mind, I am still happy somewhere in there. To find that happiness again will be a major task, and I’m willing to take it on.

If I could have one wish granted, it would be for clarity and understanding of the problems I have at hand.

I have felt overweight and cumbersome this last week. When I imagine myself walking down the stairs, I feel like an overweight walrus and I can feel the fat on my thighs jiggling. I can’t wear anything but loose clothing because my stomach looks enormous and this all started when my mom mentioned that she saw me binge eating.. I hadn’t done that in a long time, but I did that once and ever since I have felt like my entire body is made out of lard.

My sister stormed out of the house today and drove two hours to stay with her boyfriend, and none of us are sure if she’s moving out or if this is temporary. My mom was in tears all night, she cried on my shoulder… Someone else’s wet tears on my bare skin is an uncomfortable feeling.

I’ve been through so much, what I’ve learned is that I do not like being alone. I cry when I’m alone. I hate myself when I am alone. I get angry about the mistakes I’ve made and scream when I’m alone. I yearn for companionship and to be loved when I am alone. If I had an instruction manual, it would say that I require partnership 24/7 and to be intensely cared for without me realizing it – once I am aware that someone loves me, I stop loving them. I detached myself and become emotionless toward them.

When I love someone and find out they love me too, it’s like maintaining masturbation when people are awake. You know you’ll have a hard time climaxing just because your little sister is screaming and your mom is yelling about how no one does the dishes – and any chance you had of continuing with pleasure goes down the drain because dirty dishes and climaxing are not compatible.

That’s what happens when someone loves me. I can’t maintain my feelings. They go away without any chance of revival, unless scenarios change.

Love

fuck you, Future, Hope, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, Peace, Personal, Smiling, Uncategorized

What happened to my views of love? I feel so cynical, thinking anyone I’ll date will end up being a disappointment. I mean, sure, the first two were. But going into those relationships, I wasn’t really in love with them. There were things I knew that I didn’t like about them. Things that really annoyed me, that I thought I could look past.

With Sam, it was because he shaved his hair and never smiled.

With Cadence, it was his moles and immaturity.

I want to know when I started lowering my standards.. I used to have this crush on a guy who was my image of perfection.. He was clean, cute, and even in first grade he was an overachiever. Like, Max was perfect.

We were in the same piano studio, he was in my homeroom, and I mean, who wouldn’t have liked me? Sure I was a little awkward and had glasses and always wore ponytails, but I was obviously adorable.

Sure, I hated P.E., and when I wasn’t in class, my nose was in a book.. But, I remember losing sleep over Max.

Laying there, my heart would beat faster just thinking of him. It would make me smile, my stomach would flutter, I would be happy.

He never gave me a second glance, though. I continued to see him even after I left that school because of our piano studio – but he still didn’t care to look my way. Max was my first major crush – fuck.. I mean, I still would get nervous for my concerts -just- because I knew he would be in the audience. (He always looked cute in a tuxedo)

I have one memory of when we were still in school together when he spoke to me – it was right before show and tell, I had forgotten to bring something, but I always had piano lessons after school, so I figured, why not talk about the piece I was playing? Well.. as I walked up to the front of the room, he loudly asked, “It’s your music, isn’t it?” and the way he asked was condescending, like I had nothing else in my life worth showing. Which, he wasn’t exactly wrong.. but still! Music ended up being a huge part of my life.

But, he’s way less attractive to me now because I found out he’s ultra-conservative. HA. But there goes reality, crushin’ my dreams.

I also felt that way about Zach – but oh my god was that awful. Like… shit. Everytime I think about that, I cringe. He never responded, and then I find out he’s going to Paris for a year, and I feel awful. Oh.. I can’t write about it without wanting to shut myself in for the rest of my life.

He totally rejected me.

I mean, he did have reason, and now he’s with this girl and they are the absolute cutest together. But I feel so fucking awkward about how things went down between he and I.

I guess I got intimidated by him after I found out his family was loaded, which was after he rejected me. So that really just added a little more fuel to my fire of shame and cowardice.

I CAN’T THINK ABOUT IT. Oh god.. The awkwardness… The cringing.. Okay, I have to be done thinking about that for now because this isn’t good.

Fake Faced Cunt

anti feminism, Atheism, Awareness, beautiful, Beauty, bisexual, equality, feminism, fuck you, Her, Humanist, Jealousy, Journal, Love, Memories, Personal, school, Sexuality, Uncategorized

So I might have mentioned that I was going on a school trip to San Francisco, and if I didn’t, well.. My bad.

But I went. It was my second time there and it was really fun.

But The Little Cunt-Faced Bitch also was there. She and I had a few tense moments. I really do not like her, and I’ve tried to sort out why that is.. The best conclusion that I have made is explained best in this message I sent to Cadence about her.

“I’m not trying to convince you that you shouldn’t like her, but I am trying to help you understand why I don’t. She seems fake to me. I find her repulsive because she seems very shallow and like a people pleaser – which is annoying because I don’t dance around the truth, I don’t hide from what I know is true or what I witness. When I see signs that someone isn’t healthy for me, I get out. And I warned her about Caleb – how he gave me bad vibes – and she continued to date him until it bit her in the ass and even then, she made it sound so negative that I didn’t like him. Like, GIRL. I was trying to help you because I could tell he was an ass wipe. But nooooo – then I was just a bitchy girl sticking my nose in her business. When in reality, I was just being the independent and open person that I am and voicing my opinions because I don’t DANCE AROUND WHAT I SEE. Also, she uses guys to get confidence – for instance you, Thierry, Toby, and random dudes who she meets on the street (which I witnessed at least twice on our trip). I find that trait frustrating because its dependency. I fucking hate dependent people. So yeah. Those are some reasons why I don’t like her. She seems fake and she uses people.”

Copy and pasted, exactly as I sent to him.

So yeah, she got a septum ring, which I’m the only person at my school who wears one, and it’s a big deal that I did. So I felt like it was really fake of her to wear one when she doesn’t understand the meaning behind why people do. The image it creates, it’s not supposed to loosely mean powerful or anything like that… It’s feminism for some, it’s empowerment, it’s being LGBTQ or an ally…. I felt like she was degrading and making the septum ring worthless and stripping it of it’s meaning by wearing one.

She’s a straight, white, christian girl who lives in a home that’s VERY well off… I mean, they take trips all the time and get new clothes, her parents are together. She has an allowance. She has it a whole fucking lot easier than most people. That’s why I scoffed at her, called her fake (and also a bitch..) to her fake ass face.

She doesn’t get it, I resent her. I hate her.

If anyone reading this would like to give their two cents, offer a possible explanation of why I feel the way I do about her, that’d be nice.