What’s Happening?

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I had grown so comfortable having a home that I forgot what it was like to stay somewhere else.

I’m staying with my aunt and uncle who live near my school when I have classes, and go back to my mom’s when I don’t for a long period of time (2-3+ days), and this is my first night here. I’m really emotional because it’s really quiet and I have to think, there isn’t anything to distract me.

All I can think about is my poor dog. We left her with my sister’s babysitter’s kids, and I don’t know them. I’m worried she thinks I abandoned her and I can’t handle that

I’m crying because I love her so much and wish I could tell her.

I am homesick, I want to go home.

My parents go back to court tomorrow, and I wish my life could just flow

Also, I have these really awful allergies, and have had them for like a week now, and I have had fevers, vomiting, stomach pains, sore throats, achey body parts, stuffy nose, and even loss of hearing in one ear.

The loss of hearing is particularly annoying.

Rising

beautiful, Future, Her, Hope, Journal, Love, Loving Life, Personal, Uncategorized

As of wednesday the 16th of March 2016, I no longer live with my grandparents. This move has inspired a great deal of thought toward my future, what it holds, and how I will achieve it.

The stress that I previously had due to the astonishing amount of disapproval and harsh attitudes I had to deal with while living under their roof has now dissipated and I am left with a great magnitude of space in my mind that I can use for problems and issues that aren’t nearly as important.

I am living with my mom, in the mountains on the West Coast of California, it’s truly lovely here. My issues with the new living situation are many, though my new worries are few.

My oldest sister (18), myself (16), and my youngest sister (3) are all sharing a room that has two beds and a small closet. The entire house has six rooms (Master bedroom, second bedroom, upstairs bath, downstairs bath, living room, and kitchen) all of which are sinfully small. All in all, there are five people and a small dog in this apartment, and it’s far too cramped.

With this move, my boyfriend (poor soul), has been left back in the valley and I don’t have much time left after dealing with the other people in my house to give him.

But I have had time to put thought into my future, and how I will achieve these monstrous dreams I have (for someone who has no hope of things going my way). I am worried, to say it in few words. I want a lot out of the world, but I am also willing to take the most it can offer me.. Which, I am worried will be very little.

I made a list of the things I need out of life, and here they are:

a.) I must travel

b.) I must go to college, preferably an Ivy League University

c.) No matter where I am financially, quality over quantity

d.) I must be financially savvy

e.) I must allow myself to make important connections

f.) I must allow myself to go to (cultured) entertainment

Now, let me indulge on what each of those items mean to me. Travelling is a must because I want to leave this world with the most knowledge that my mind will allow, and I firmly believe that if a person stays in one place their whole life, their education will be limited and rather fruitless. I want to go to college, and an Ivy League University at that, because I believe that college can make or break a person’s future (not that everyone needs it). I want to set myself up for a life of opportunity and culture, one that is far from limited. This will allow for me to continue on a path toward, what I consider, success. Quality over quantity is very important because it means not settling for less. The quality of my life will always be the best our world can offer, even if I cannot afford it in large amounts. I will not settle for mediocrity. My finances will be a priority, and while what I own may be quality, it will not hinder my future success because I will have bought those things in moderation. Making important connections will likely be the most crucial thing I do in my entire life. One’s peers become one’s lifestyle, and their caliber of life will affect your own. It is also important to note that important connections can come in immensely handy in tough situations as well as create financial and emotional success. This also entails dropping people from my life that I see as potential road-blocks to my dream and those who are poisonous to my mindset and lifestyle. Participating cultured entertainment is something I have always enjoyed, it is something that has expanded my thinking, and which has served as a get-away from those who expect less from life.

Trying Too Hard

fuck you, Future, school

I’m not sure what happened when we left my dad, but my grades haven’t gotten better since – and they should have. I have been putting my entire life into my education. School comes before everything, even my boyfriend. I have only skipped a class once, I have never ditched school, I am the kind of kid who looks into the topics outside of what the textbooks say – just so that I have a complete understanding of what happened.

While I do all of that, I also make a habit of doing more than the teachers ask – unless specified that they want an exact amount.

I have always turned homework in ON TIME – for example, my latest essay. I turned it in a day early, the due date was february 24th, and there are still students who haven’t turned theirs in (as of march 7th).

So, uh, can anyone explain to me why I got a B-?

Apparently aspiring to go to Yale and having extracurriculars out my ass isn’t enough for my damn teachers? What about the fact that they asked for a minimum of 7 sources and I gave 24? And my writing? I didn’t have any spelling errors, grammatical errors, or logical fallacies. My organization was superb. But still I got a B-.

Stress Me Out

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My life and how I view it has changed quite drastically over the last few years.

Before, I had things really well. My family was wealthy (upper middle class), and to keep it short, I had quite the ego about  it.

But things have changed, I’ve been humbled and seen the world from a different place.

I live with my grandparents, have separated parents, and while my birth-father is still upper middle class, I’ve separated myself from him and he doesn’t support me or my lifestyle anymore. My mom does now, and she reentered the workforce after being a stay-at-home mother for 18 years, but after less than a year, she has a job and earned the position as a manager selling mattresses on the west coast.

She makes enough to support her three children and boyfriend, but there isn’t much left over after the living cost. To say I’m proud of her is an understatement, because just thinking about how hard she has worked and what she achieved in such short time brings me to tears. I say these things because I don’t want to seem ungrateful for what she has done, but because I can’t hide from how I feel or lie about it.

I am jealous of my friends. The ones who live in better school districts, who have been born into households of wealth (more than I had before), the ones who don’t have to think twice about the cost of groceries or worry about college money.

I’m primarily jealous because I won’t ever have that as a teenager – if I ever grow wealthy as an adult, I won’t have the opportunity to buy a nice (in effect expensive) dress for prom, or get up to a nice house that doesn’t smell of dirty animals and dust. I wouldn’t be labeled an abandoned kid when I go to school and no parents or guardians show up to my school meetings. I wouldn’t worry about medical bills or if I ask too much from my mom.

I could actually be a teenager, I would be allowed to have a childhood.

That’s why I’m jealous of my wealthy friends, that’s why I rewatch their snapchat stories and try and find flaws in their houses, because I am angry that they get to be kids. I’m angry that they don’t have to stress over the things that I do. If my only problems were relationship and school ones, things would feel like such a breeze.

I wish that I had money, not to flaunt it, but to eliminate the stress of asking too much from my mom, of worrying about college, about my future, about court and medical bills, about dentist appointments, paying for food and gas.

I just want to be a kid, to sleep well at night, to wake up and want to get out of bed. I want to feel free of stress.