Life Update: Ranting

Athiesm, Athiest, bisexual, Church, Family, fuck you, Future, god, Hope, Humanist, Personal, Religion, Small Things

I’ve been dealing with numerous problems recently, but the most prominent to me right now is my family. To be more specific, not my parents or siblings, it’s my aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents.

They’re all fucking idiots. Trump supporting, anti-intellectuals who give me the worst headache ever and I’m not sure I can handle being their blood. In fact, when I move out of their house, I swear I’m never going to talk to my grandpa again. He’s such a sexist asshole, I hate hearing his voice in the morning right when I wake up and how he listens to Talk Radio in the afternoon when he picks me up from school.

I think I would have less of a problem with my Nana, but she has been stifled for so long, I believe she’s forgotten who she is. She got married right out of high school at 19, and was kicked out of christian-college for being married, and then proceeded to have four children, and now takes care of her grand-children and cooks and forgets to clean (which my grandpa refuses to do because he’s a man and I honestly believe he doesn’t know how or where to start if he were going to), so my grandpa gets onto my sister and I about cleaning messes we took no part in making, like his juicing supplies and fucking dog feces that his damn dog made NOT MINE.

And right now he is standing outside my door knocking, but I’m in the front room and don’t care if he thinks I’m in there ignoring him.

Have you ever met someone and just the octave of their voice made you hate them? But you act sweet and nice, like it doesn’t bother you. Years later, you still deal with the problem but now it’s grown into something a lot bigger, because they voiced their heavily right-wing opinions about women and how they are physically weaker than men and it’s “just science”, like how can someone hold such an archaic opinion? Sure, women sometimes are built smaller than men but what about those who aren’t? The british actress Gwendoline Christie, for example. She’s a naturally tall and buff woman who could probably take most men out. But, according to my grandpa, women can’t be like that. That’s not natural.

Of course, he doesn’t know I’m bisexual or an Atheist (though, I’m sure they have their suspicions) even with my “cover job” as a sunday school nursery worker/teacher, and I accidently let it out that I like Bernie Sanders at a family dinner, so they now know I’m a liberal* and my being a feminist is something I just cannot hide. I just want to go somewhere where I don’t have to hide anymore.

Once I move, I swear I’m changing my facebook to who I really am. I’m going to changed my religious views and repost those bernie sanders pictures and do EVERYTHING that is ME. I can’t wait, honestly. I will feel so liberated and free. I want to be just about anywhere but with my extended family because they make me hate myself. They don’t love me, only when I fit their mold. They don’t care about me, my mom, or my sisters. They don’t hide their disapproval of my mom’s boyfriend and guess what… I CAN’T WAIT TO NOT DEAL WITH THEIR SHIT.

My life will be perfect, even if I end up moving into another mobile home, just as long as I don’t have to deal with so much negativity toward me.

It sounds like I’ll be getting my own room, and I’ll be the oldest child in the house, which is both exciting and terrifying (in a good way), but I think I’ll be happy doing the dishes and having a morning routine, having my mom to fold laundry with and have her there when I graduate high school and go off to college. She’ll be there with me when I want to look into colleges and maybe we’ll even tour some together. I am so excited for my future and how bright it will be just having my mom by my side.

I think I will appreciate having her buy me food and paying to get my hair cut 100% more than before. I don’t need a lot to make me happy, but I sure love not having to be financially scared at 16 for college and having to budget just to go hang out and go to see theatre and movies, or even just get starbucks.

I’m gonna have my mom in just around 4-5 months. I can do that. And when I’m there, I want our house to be the happiest and brightest house there is. It’s going to be a bubble of positivity. I’ll go to therapy and get my life together, I’ll be able to start driving and get my mom’s little car. I’ll go to a new school with people who have no idea who I used to be, and the best part is that I won’t have to deal with my extended family’s expectations for me to be their patriotic, right-wing little girl.

Well holy shit, I went to the opposite side of the house to write this while my family was having lunch where I was not invited to join, and then my aunt brought my four year old cousin into the room and yelled and spanked her and then left her there for a time out and I’m just like. Flash backs and shit about being spanked as a kid that really bother me. I understand that it is their form of punishment and I won’t tell them how to raise their kids, but I will never spank my own if I have them. It psychologically messed with me and I don’t like the effects it had on me. It harbors anger toward the person who spanks and then you are told to hold in your true emotions because you’re not allowed to be unhappy. You’re not allowed to show how you really feel, and that causes harm in the long run. I think it’s best if you just let children show how they feel, if that means they’re grumpy and upset, then they are and maybe they should go down for a nap, I don’t know.. It’s just upsetting to see and hear a kid in such discomfort do to the parents own hand. What made it worse was that the mom said that she was angry with her daughter. What if that resonates with her more than all the “I love you’s” she hears and she lays in bed at night and feels unwanted and unloved after all the days she was spanked. I don’t think it’s right.

*After finding out that I was liberal, my aunt said “Well… It was bound to happen, with your going to that hippie school and all…” she made it sound like I had committed a felony!!

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