Empty Audience

Family, forgotten, fuck you, Memories, no trust, Personal, Uncategorized

I’m angry. Very angry. Mostly at myself for allowing myself to put trust in someone.

It’s been a problem for me through my life, expecting people to be there at important life events. Like school presentations, recitals, HELL, MY GRADUATION. My theatre productions.

Hoping to see familiar faces in the audience, but as I got older, they started coming in smaller and smaller numbers until they just stopped altogether.

Like today, research presentation day. Everyone else had their parents there. All their mom’s and dad’s, siblings and grandparents even.

But not me, no one but my boyfriend is involved enough to even know the date of it, and he was the only one I decided to invite, that way I wouldn’t be disappointed when there weren’t any faces in the audience for me, because there would just be him. The only one I needed there.

But no. Of course not. Of course life had to screw me over and through another curve at me.

Of course, my boyfriend would not show up.

I remember thinking, as I was standing up and my name was being announced, “why did I let myself trust and set expectations?” I knew I shouldn’t have, people only ever disappoint.

And he didn’t show. So I did it alone, like I’ll probably do the rest of my life. It’s not that I enjoy being independent and doing things alone, because I love having people supporting me and getting roses after doing a piece at a piano recital. But after being let down time after time, I decided it wasn’t worth getting my hopes up because it hurt too much to see no one out there.

Isn’t it kind of funny? When I was 6 and only spent two hours a week practicing piano, and at the end of my recital after playing a dumb Little Mozart’s piece, I would get a dozen roses. But after I slaved hours away at a piano a day, and played seven page songs from memory, at those recitals, no one was even there.

And at the presentations I half-assed as a seventh grader, people supported, but today not a single face in the audience.

And last year at my shakespeare production, literally no one came to see my sister and I. I ran out into the audience after the production ended, expecting to see my aunts and uncles, even grandparents who promised to come, and found not a single soul there for me.

People don’t show up when you need them, and that is the most important lesson I’ve learned in years. Don’t rely on anyone, don’t expect anyone, don’t get your hopes up, because no matter what, they WILL let you down.

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