Grey Hues

Journal, Loving Life, Sexuality, Smiling

Most of today I’ve been in a state of a million nerves being plucked. I didn’t know what was wrong until after I fixed it, unknowingly in the moment, because I did it in on a whim.

I’ve trusted my sister for a long time, and now I know that trust was not misplaced.

I came out to her as bisexual, and she didn’t make a big deal about it, which was what I needed.

I’ve only told four people now, three friends and my sister.

I needed her to know, she’s important to me. I needed her support, even if she doesn’t vocalize it.

All of a sudden, as I sit in a starbucks (as per usual), I feel as though things are right, and they didn’t before I told her.

I have a venti black coffee and it’s in a fall cup.

It’s chilly outside.

Things are right.


 The skies grey hue,

Gently comforting the day in new.

I hopefully play my cards,

wondering when I’ll tell you.

Poetry Wednesday

Love, Poetry, Poetry Wednesday

For the dreams come true,

The life long lived,

That rose-tint hue,

Hearts given in.

I let myself go,

So beauty may be found,

But I became lost,

My life, shaken up from the ground.

For the tears shed,

Papers thrown out,

The fears that growled,

That true girl came out.

From the scared being,

That lived deep within,

I cry out to the darkness,

That light can grow from within.

My one plea, is to please not forget me.

I lost a lot through our love,

And you might just waste it.

So, as a human,

I ask for the right,

To forget all that happened,

I need a new light.

Living, breathing

Future, Journal, Personal

As Night fades into day,

I sit, pondering all life’s days.

The ones I lived, and before me,

but mostly the ones for when I’m gone.
They will be much like the ones today, with sunlight and shadows,

but I won’t be breathing, living,

This is our tomorrow.
They say that we can’t concieve

a day where we aren’t living,

But I can do it now, plain and simply: I won’t be living.
I can say that without sorrow,

without the agony of mourning.

People pass away, I could tomorrow morning.

The War Inside

bisexual, Jealousy, Love, Poetry

I tend to write posts about ridiculously dramatic stuff going on in my head.

Most times, I look back later on and cringe at how I was so awkwardly insecure and.. Well, dumb.

I wish I understood, like, had an actual understanding of the things going on in my head.

It feels like taking one step forward and two steps back.

I feel like I’m not only not going forward, I’m going back at a sadly consisent rate.

I wish that I didn’t make everything such a big deal in my head.

I mean, I’ve been dreaming about her again and I’m jealous about this girl she mentioned she was interested in.

I despise jealuosy, and how it makes me feel.

I’m the angry-jealous type.. Like, the crazy-ass-bitch who sets your house on fire angry-jealous.

It’s not fun to feel that way or for the person who it affects.

And it’s sure as hell not attractive.

But how sure is hell really when you’re an athiest? 😉

What am I going to do with myself?

I’m a mess.  Why does everything feel so wrong?

I don’t understand how I can go from liking one guy so intesnely and then feel the same for someone who was just a minor interested for such a long time.

I guess I could argue that I liked them the same amount, but after being rejected by him I just flipped the coin and went to her. Honestly, I might like her more.

She’s soo much more interesting.

It was just easier to follow the heterosexual way of life instead of dealing with this, less accepted, bisexual one.

***

Rough days,

Dissaproving gazes,

Hearts betrayal of gender needs.
The war inside,

trying to decide,

Is this who I really am?
The attraction doesn’t make physical sense,

But she means a lot to  me.

She brings me happiness into my glum world.

Does it matter what others think?

Her.

Questioning Sexuality, Sexuality

Maybe I’m just confused, I’ve been through a lot recently. 

Is it possible that I have serious issues?

I think I’m bisexual now, but thinking about telling anyone I know closely terrifies me after what happened.

I came out to my friend, she is very open and loving, someone I trust. The only problem between her and I is that she believes there is a god and that being gay is wrong because he says so.

Which, is an oddly conformed belief if you knew her.

So when she told me that what I was feeling was just the confusion of my “Bisexual” friends, I started worrying that was really the case, but the more I tried stopping those feelings, it was like tampering with breaking floodgates. 

All hell broke loose and I think I am obsessed with that girl now.

I’ve been having “lesbian thoughts” for awhile now, nearly a year, but tried to pass it off as nothing. Because, everyone fantasizes about kissing someone of the same gender.. right?

I also came out to my ex-boyfriend, but instead of talking to me about it, he asked if it was because of him… Then he proceeded to tell me that I wasn’t really bisexual and this would pass.
It all started when I got into my first relationship. When he and I would kiss, sometimes I’d close my eyes and imagine he was a girl. A specific girl. I also had quite a few sexual dreams about this girl I currently have feelings for (I think?). When that happened, I shook my head and passed it off as nothing.

It was just a dream. 

maybe five.

I just found her interesting and enthralling.

I wasn’t bisexual, of course. I just was picking up on her confused sexuality.

right?

Right..?

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME I’M RIGHT HERE.

This scares me, I couldn’t just tell my family about this. I want to talk to someone about it, but the only person I’d feel comfortable talking to it about would be her and knowing me, I would use the oppurtunity to profess my feelings.

and she would probably be creeped out by that.

Can anyone help..? Or am I a bundle of shit-ridden emotions?

 

Who am I?

Athiest, Journal, Loving Life, Personal, Questioning Sexuality, Smiling

As homework takes me as prisoner and the world grows darker, I try and keep a bright mind. It becomes difficult when everything starts spinning faster.

What makes this time of my life even more confusing is the fact that I’m currently questioning my sexuality. There’s this girl at my school and I either really like her as a friend and it makes me like her as a person. Or I’m obsessed. and I think it’s the latter.

I want it to be the latter…

She has the most beautiful eyes and we can hold intelligent conversations. I find myself staring at her lips, wondering what they would feel like in between mine.

I enjoy her company immensely. Maybe we are just “kindred spirits”, as Anne from Anne of Green Gables would say.

Just maybe…

_____________________

I know I need to hold off on inspiring my emotions for now. I am just getting over Guy #2 and it’s been five months since Guy #1 and I broke up. This could all just be sad, confused feelings.

I broke up with someone and got rejected in a short period of time and now I’m thinking I might be bisexual.

I need time. Time may not solve problems, but it gives me a moment to think about everything that I need to, so I can come to conclusions.

She is beautiful.

Rain

Future, Nature

I feel a deep sense of longing in my heart. Maybe it’s because I had too much caffeine, and maybe it’s the music I’m listening to, but I miss something and I miss having a home.

I’m not sure what I miss other than that, but I want to love again. I want a lot.

I want to get into Yale, and if not, then somewhere away from my small town.

I want to find purpose in my life, I am seeking love and fulfillment.

I want to wake up in the morning and not have to worry about getting dressed before leaving my room because my grandma will be sitting watching the wonderful Fox News on TV…

I want to wake up and listen to wind chimes and drink chai tea, I want to hear the sound of rain on a tin roof and fall in love with myself and play the piano in the rain.

I have to say, that is one of the best feelings, playing piano in the rain. It is like being one with nature and being a duo: Nature & Human. We combine ourselves into one and make the most beautiful music.

I have an emotional and “spiritual” connection with the rain and water in general. I feel like most people do though. I feel so in touch with Me when I am in it.

The rain drops of rain falling on my skin, like unexpected tear drops, and the chill I get down my spine when I can smell the rain coming. Standing in the rain with no sense of self-conciousness. I am one with it and with the world as I stand in the rain. It’s the best feeling.

Little Smiles

Family, Loving Life, Questioning Sexuality, Sexuality, Small Things, Smiling

Today could have been a really awful day for me, but I have a new approach to looking at my life.

I have problems with my dirty room, or the fact that I have procrastination issues. But, I’ve decided that if I’m going to procrastinate, which I will, then I should at least enjoy it. So no guilt, but knowing I will still get done what I need to.

I have been questioning my sexuality recently, something I didn’t think I would ever do. But, liking someone can change that. She is interesting, and we have the best conversations, which maybe she and I are just really good friends, but maybe we are more. Something between us just connects and I love that. Though, I doubt she is interested in me (she is bisexual though). Because that seems to just be my luck with people I have feelings with 🙂

But I enjoy her company and opinions on things, we have a lot in common. People in our town wouldn’t support it, in fact, my family wouldn’t agree with it. My mom would, but no one else in my family. (Except my uncle who moved away when he came out. No one talks to him anymore.)

So, unless these feelings get out of hand, she and I will remain friends.

I have a feeling that this will pass though.

______________________

Sometimes I am content, like right now. I have a Salted Caramel Mocha, and it’s venti. I really enjoy this autumn weather too. I splurged today and bought new makeup and brushes, as well as new Eos. The little things that bring me happiness, and sure, maybe it’s momentary happiness, but what else is life for? Why do we live if not for the small moments that bring small smiles to our faces? I think those smiles are the most important because everyone has the big smiles, but having little things in your life that make you smile involuntarily many times a day are what make us all special, because everyone smiles at birthday parties and weddings, but not everyone smiles at new chapstick or a new makeup brush. It’s what makes us unique and wonderful as people.

I love having days when everything makes me have those little smiles. It makes life worth living and trudging through.

I hope you, Reader, are having a wonderful day too. I hope you have someone in your life that you can take a moment to appreciate and love through their imperfections because you are eachother’s to love. I hope you can take a moment to appreciate your mother, and if you have them, siblings. Love them. Not just because they are family, but because they have dealt with you through your faults and that makes them very special. I’m not going to tell you to love your fathers, because I would feel hypocritical because I do not love my own. So, if you love your father, that is amazing and great. I hope you have a good relationship with your dad. But, love everyone just a little. That’s what I’d like to say to each reader who somehow finds this post.

I Believe in Science, and you can hate that.

Athiesm, Athiest, Church, god, Religion, science

The other day I came out of my christianity closet and announced to a friend that I was an atheist. (oh no!)

It was… an experience…

It’s always fun to be looked at and for someone to say “You’re going to burn in hell” to your face.

In fact, she was the first person I told who reacted negatively. But my, oh my, was it negative.

By the way, I’m going to lose my eternal life and satan won me over with the seduction of “secular life”.

But I told her that was okay. I’m okay burning in hell for eternity, because, fuck it. I don’t believe in an all-mighty-monogamous-preaching man in the sky, and it makes me feel FUCKING GOOD.

f-u-c-k-i-n-g.

G-O-O-D.

And I’m happy this way. I’m happy in my sinful and awful ways, because this is who I fucking am and if you don’t like that.. Screw you. You don’t have to appreciate my happiness for it to continue making me happy.

Religion isn’t anything but books and superstitions, and yet I’m the one who is looked at like an alien for saying that I believe in something that can actually be proven.

If you don’t already know what I mean, it’s called science, bitches.

So, gtfo.

You can believe whatever you want to, and you can try and convert me. But, I live with a pastor and he has yet to do that. So, good luck, children.